The Intelligentsia

I Kid You Not: To Be The Best, You Need To Beat The Best

2010-08-24T16:01:00.001-07:00

I realized something really important this weekend—while watching the NASCAR race, as a matter of fact.
I love ranting, especially about sports.
This particular rant centered on Kyle Busch, the brash, cocky, “checkers-or-wreckers” driver of the No. 18 Toyota for Joe Gibbs Racing in the Sprint Cup Series.
The younger Busch (Kyle’s older brother, Kurt, also races in NASCAR’s top series) made history this weekend by winning all three races—the Craftsman Truck Series race on Thursday night, the Nationwide Series race on Friday night and the Sprint Cup Series race on Saturday night—the first such sweep in NASCAR history.
For one thing, I was already in a bad mood because my driver, Jimmie Johnson, got wrecked by Juan Pablo Montoya after a restart less than halfway through the race. And for another, I really, really don’t like Kyle Busch. He’s cocky, he never, ever admits that anything is his fault (unless it’s in a sulky, “well I guess since so-and-so is never wrong, I guess it must be my fault” sort of way) and he tweaks the last nerve of even the most easy-going drivers on the circuit (such as Jeff Burton, Mark Martin and Joey Logano).
Basically, he’s trying to be Dale Earnhardt, but instead of coming across as the stone-faced, ice-water-in-his-veins intimidator, he comes across as a whining, petulant little child who probably just needs a good nap.
So, as the ESPN commentators waxed poetic (or whatever they call it when Dale Jarrett and Andy Petrie yammer on and on into the night) about Busch making history, all I wanted to do was calmly point out (read: shout at the top of my lungs) that the only reason Busch “made history” is because he insists on racing against inferior opponents every single week.
Here’s the thing, if you’re unfamiliar with how NASCAR’s various series work, compared to the farm system in Major League Baseball—the Sprint Cup Series is like the major leagues, the Nationwide Series is like AAA, and the Craftsman Truck Series is like AA. Or if we compare it to football, Sprint Cup is like the NFL, Nationwide is like college football, and the truck series is like high school. The point is, each of these series is there to serve the purpose of allowing younger drivers to gain racing experience in a more challenging environment than the local track can offer, while simultaneously allowing older drivers to continue racing, thereby also giving the young drivers access to veterans who can teach them a lot of valuable racing information. It’s a great system for maximizing the young talent coming up the Sprint Cup series.
Except that drivers like Busch (and Dale Earnhardt Jr., and Carl Edwards, and Clint Bowyer, and Kasey Kahne, and Elliot Sadler, and Ryan Newman) insist on driving in the Nationwide Series (and some in the truck series) to…I don’t know, gain more experience? That’s the standard excuse, but you have to think that this “seat time” is a little overrated, given that only two of those drivers (Edwards and Kahne) finished in the top 12 in the standings last year.
I’m not saying these guys are all egomaniacs or anything, but (as someone who enjoys creating myself and my friends in Madden on my Xbox 360, then rolling up victories of more than 100 points on my opponents) I have to admit that there’s something really fun about going up against an inferior opponent and utterly destroying him. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like a cuddly baby bunny stiff-arming a linebacker to the ground and diving into the endzone.
But there is definitely some kind of ego wrapped up in a decision like this, because it’s not like you see Adrian Gonzalez flying up to Portland to play for the Beavers and see some more pitches before he steps in against the Dodgers. Nor do you see Drew Brees fly back to Purdue to lead the Boilermakers on Saturdays before he straps on that Saints helmet on Sundays. Nowhere else in sports do you see a major-league level athlete purposely compete against minor-league opponents other than in NASCAR.
With most of these drivers, it’s probably a combination of wanting to have more success and just not knowing what else to do with their time. One thing I’ve learned about racecar drivers over the years is that when they’re not racing, they’re thinking about racing. And when they’re not thinking about racing, they’re dead. So these guys probably just like racing.
And I’m sure that’s part of it with Busch as well, but the spoiled, whiny kid I hear in the post-race interviews tells me that he just wants to be better than other people, even if he has to take on someone who is decidedly not his own size, metaphorically speaking.
Personally, I think NASCAR should consider some kind of rule to regulate which drivers are allowed to drive in which series, for the good of the sport. If you think about it, if the seven drivers I just mentioned who drive full-time in both the Sprint Cup and Nationwide series had to decide which series to race in, that would open up seven seats to younger drivers who could use the added experience before they made the jump to the Sprint Cup Series.
Here’s what I would suggest—allow a driver to run in no more than two series at a time, and after he has been run a full schedule in the Sprint Cup Series for three consecutive years, he is no longer eligible to race in any other series, unless he stops racing full time in the Sprint Cup Series. That way, once you get to the big leagues, you can’t take your talents down to the minor leagues and dominate.
Which brings up my final point—these guys should be dominating the Nationwide series (and especially the truck series)! Kyle Busch is an elite stock car driver in the prime of his career! The fact that he doesn’t win every truck race and every Nationwide race should be more of a point of personal shame than the elation brought about by winning every now and then against what are essentially kids still learning the sport and old guys out for a good ol’ time at the track.
Perhaps it’s a symptom of our generation—look at what LeBron James just did, for example. Instead of wanting to carry a team and prove he’s the best basketball player of his era, he decided he wanted to beat everyone else, so he teamed up with his talented buddies to tip the scales in his favor. A number of writers have pointed out that James is like that annoying guy who comes out to play a pickup game, makes sure he stacks the teams with the best guys there, then trash talks you the whole game. At some point, it became more fun to win as the beneficiary of a loaded team than it is impressive to work really hard and be the best at something because you earned it.
The other side of that coin is that there are still, thankfully, a lot of athletes out there who go for glory with everything they have. Athletes like Brees (who went to New Orleans, brought a team and a region back to life with his energy, enthusiasm and talent, and won the Super Bowl), or Albert Pujols (who led the St. Louis Cardinals to the World Series title back in 2006), or Sidney Crosby (who won the Stanley Cup with the Pittsburgh Penguins in 2009) show us that there is still hope for athletes who work hard, learn from failure, and ascend to the pinnacle of their sport.
Kyle Busch could learn a few things from these guys.
As always, if you have any thoughts on this topic, or any topic, be sure to write to us at sports@valleycenter.com and tell us all about it.

I Kid You Not: Fantasy Football Sleepers & Snoozers 2010

2010-08-19T01:33:00.000-07:00

You love football, I love football, and in less than a month, we’ll all be happy campers once again.
But for those of us who can’t get enough of the NFL with just the weekly games, there is fantasy football.
Although some may call it a fake sport, or just another way for nerds to crunch numbers, you can’t argue with the stats. Depending on where you get your stats, anywhere from 23 to 29 million Americans play fantasy football every year, and if you’re one of them, you know why.
The thrill of competition, the feeling of being involved with the players on your team, the simple joy of a T.J. Houshmandzadeh touchdown catch to help you beat Larry from accounting—it’s all just a part of the wonderful package.
If you’ve played fantasy football before, then you know how many opinions are out there masquerading as facts, telling you why a certain player is doomed to fail this season, or why you should avoid a certain player because it’s a surefire guarantee that he’s not going to make it through the season healthy.
If you’re new to fantasy football, it can seem a little overwhelming. But if you’re a veteran of the fantasy world, then you know how to take in all this raw data and form your own educated opinions, which are hopefully turned into beneficial decisions.
If you’re really good, you might start to express your own opinions to those around you. And since I’m one of those guys, I’m going to tell you who I think are some players with solid potential (sleepers) and who are guys I wouldn’t really want on my team (snoozers) for this season.
If you want hard data on these guys, there is no shortage of places to go to find what you’re looking for. The following is nothing more than one man’s opinion. Granted, one incredibly awesome, gifted, never-finished-worse-than-third-in-at-least-one-of-my-fantasy-leagues-since-I-started-playing kind of guy. But still—opinions they are.
With no further ado, let’s look at some players to snag and some players to avoid in fantasy football this year.

Sleepers

QB: Jason Campbell, Oakland Raiders
I know—the Raiders, you ask? Let’s just say that no team is going to look good when Jamarcus “That’s No Moon, That’s Our Quarterback” Russell...
...is overthrowing your receivers by 15 yards. Campbell is an accurate passer who brings confidence to an offense with some talent, but was mired in the cold, slippery grip of incompetence the past few seasons. They’re not going to win the Super Bowl, but Campbell will put up solid numbers all season.

Matthew Stafford, Detroit Lions
We saw some glimpses of Stafford’s ability and toughness last season, when he led the Lions to a last-minute victory over the Browns with an outstanding two-minute drive, shaking off a shoulder injury to re-enter on the final play and throw a touchdown pass that won the game. He’s still got his primary target, Calvin Johnson, as well as some new, potentially exciting talent on offense. I’m not saying he’s going to win the MVP, but if you still need a quarterback and he’s there in the late rounds, you could do a whole lot worse (see Jackson, Tarvaris).

RB: Ronnie Brown, Miami Dolphins
I’m a little biased here since I’m a Dolphins fan, but Brown has been a top-three fantasy running back at some point in each of the past four seasons. The reason he’s so commonly overlooked is because he was only able to finish one of the past four seasons, due to various injuries. Now, I can’t claim to know what will happen in the future. Well, I can claim that, but most of you would probably not believe me. Anyway, there’s a chance he could get hurt. But there’s a chance any player could get hurt, and Brown’s injuries were kind of fluky: a broken hand from a collision with an opponent’s helmet (2006), a torn ACL in his knee while making a tackle on an interception (2007), and a Lisfranc fracture in his right foot (2009). The ACL tear is a bit concerning, but he’s now gone two full seasons without any problems there, so why is there so much doubt that he will be healthy this year, any more than any other player? For fantasy purposes, you look at the potential cost/benefit analysis. Potential reward, you draft a top-ten fantasy running back (maybe better) with a fourth-round pick. Potential cost, he gets hurt and your fourth-round pick goes down the drain. To me, that’s not a huge risk. I mean, who else are you going to grab in that spot, Justin Forsett (who isn’t even the starter) or Jerome Harrison (of the Cleveland Browns… let me repeat that—THE CLEVELAND BROWNS)? Why not take a chance on a guy who has the talent and the opportunity to be an elite back?

Cadillac Williams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
This one is for the late rounds, because I don’t really think anybody from the Tampa offense will be that great. But despite the seeming committee in the Buccaneer backfield, Caddy showed some promise at the end of last season after coming back from a torn patellar tendon the year before. He was outstanding in his rookie season (2005) and is just now finally coming all the way back from that injury. Instead of stocking up on kickers, I’d be willing to give Cadillac a test drive (note: I’m pretty sure this is the only time anyone has ever used that joke. Ever. Pretty sure.)

WR: Chris Chambers, Kansas City Chiefs
Look, there isn’t much to get excited about when you look at the Chiefs this year. Until last year, their quarterback made a living watching other (or rather, more talented) quarterbacks win football games—Matt Cassel was the backup to Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart at USC, then spent four seasons as Tom Brady’s designated baseball cap holder in New England. Their running backs either have some pretty good potential (Jamaal Charles and Dexter McCluster) or might be running out of gas (Thomas Jones). The offensive line isn’t great either, but word is that it might be getting better—emphasis on “might.”
Their receivers aren’t much to look at either, but one thing we learned from the last half of 2009 was that Cassel somehow developed a rapport with Chambers, the number two wideout on the depth chart this year since Dwayne Bowe is pretty solidly established as the primary target.
Now I’m not saying that the Chiefs’ passing game is going to be electric, but I am saying that there seemed to be a connection between Cassel and Chambers last season, especially down the stretch—you know, when fantasy football match-ups are kind of important. If he’s still around in the later rounds, he’s probably going to be a good deal.

Josh Morgan, San Francisco 49ers
Pretty much, what I said about Chambers, apply that to Morgan. Also, Morgan is younger and his quarterback actually played in college.

Derrick Mason, Baltimore Ravens
Everybody’s all ga-ga for Anquan Boldin, and with good reason. But in my opinion, all his arrival does is open up more opportunities for Mason, who is as sure-handed as any number two receiver out there. The Ravens have a pretty exciting offense this year, and the way Ray Rice runs, you know there will be open spots for Mason in the secondary. Again, I don’t think he’s good enough to be your number one WR or anything, but if he’s there in the sixth or seventh round, I think you’ll do fine with him.

TE: Jermichael Finley, Green Bay Packers
Everybody thinks that Aaron Rodgers is going to have a monster year, and I agree. Finley is young, big, fast, and has great hands. He’s going to gobble up touchdown after touchdown this season.

Snoozers

QB: Donovan McNabb, Washington Redskins
McNabb is a tough place to start with the snoozers, because I don’t mean to imply that he’s going to be worthless. I just don’t think he’s going to put up the kinds of consistent fantasy numbers that he did last year with the Eagles. It’s a different system, he’s got new receivers to work with, and the ‘Skins actually run the ball from time to time. McNabb will end up with a decent season, I’d wager, but probably nothing significantly higher than Jason Campbell’s season totals for Washington last year. Basically, McNabb isn’t going to be as good as he was last year, so I would just be careful how high you rank him.

Carson Palmer, Cincinnati Bengals
Like Rodgers, a lot of people think Palmer will have a big year. He’s got the Ochocinco/Owens circus to ringlead, a (supposedly) talented rookie tight end, and a healthy Cedric Benson carrying the load. It looks really good on paper.
But they don’t play games on paper, probably because that would be a waste of paper, and it’s much easier to just play the game on your computer like the rest of us. Anyway, this is purely a gut thing, but I don’t think Palmer will be all that valuable come season’s end. He’ll have his days, I’m sure, but he plays some tough defenses (Pittsburgh and Baltimore twice each, New England, Atlanta, San Diego and the New York Jets among them) and he hasn’t really been all that great the past few seasons. I don’t think that another narcissist wide receiver in the locker room is going to help his demeanor much.

RB: C.J. Spiller, Buffalo Bills
He looks like he’s got lots of potential right now—good speed, an offense committed to the run, and the other two potential starting running backs (Fred Jackson and Marshawn Lynch) have picked up some minor injuries in the preseason.
But one of my new favorite words for this season—“meritocracy”—comes into play here. Jackson led the team in rushing last season, and Lynch is still a big, physical back who can pick up tough yards. Spiller may have talent, but in the NFL, the ball goes to the guys who earn it. Until Jackson and Lynch completely blow it out there, I feel like Spiller is doomed to a few chances here and there, at best.

Joseph Addai, Indianapolis Colts
He’s getting older, he plays on a team that doesn’t run very much, and he’s got a younger guy (Donald Brown) behind him who, according to the “insiders” who seem to know these things, is going to get more chances this year. Even if Addai gets the bulk of the Colts’ carries, he hasn’t really done much with them the past few years.

WR: Chad Ochocinco, Cincinnati Bengals
Read what I wrote about Carson Palmer again. Then add to it the fact that Ochocinco A) isn’t getting any younger (or faster), B) clearly doesn’t like sharing the spotlight, and C) gets easily frustrated when things aren’t going well. The Bengals play at New England to open the season, then host the Ravens in week two. I can’t imagine them winning either of those games, much less both. It could be a rough year in that locker room.

Miles Austin, Dallas Cowboys
This one is similar to McNabb in that I’m not saying Austin will be terrible—I just think that all the hype has gotten a little out of hand. The Cowboys played well and Austin got a lot of points last year, but defenses kind of know he’s coming this year. Chances are he’ll get taken really early, and chances are, the guy (or girl) who drafted him in your league will end up just a little disappointed.

Any Receivers From The Pittsburgh Steelers
(like Mike Wallace...)
(oops, wrong Mike Wallace...um...here we go...)
Ben Roethlisberger is out for six weeks, and Byron Leftwich is no longer the same dude that got carried by his offensive linemen to run the two-minute drill at Marshall. Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes is gone, Hines Ward is still good but getting old, and I’m not entirely convinced that Mike Wallace (no, not the guy from 60 Minutes) can be considered elite. It’s not like they’ll be terrible, but for where they’re going in mock drafts right now, there are better guys out there.

TE: Greg Olsen, Chicago Bears
His quarterback likes throwing it to the other team, he’s got a much older guy pushing him for the starting spot (Desmond Clark), and his new offensive coordinator doesn’t really do much to get the tight end involved anyway. Yeah, you remember the Rams from the late 1990s, with Mike Martz as the offensive coordinator? The guy who helped make Kurt Warner, Isaac Bruce, Torry Holt and Marshall Faulk into superstars? Can you name the tight end from the 1999 Rams? It was this guy. In 16 games, he had all of 25 receptions. Not exactly lighting up the fantasy scoreboard.
— — —
There you have it, the official I Kid You Not sleepers and snoozers. Take this advice, go forth, and dominate your league.
Or wonder whether or not I gave you a bunch of false leads just to throw off any of the other owners in my league who might be reading this column. Maybe I’m giving good advice, or maybe I’m watching out for my own interests. I will let you decide.

Why Football Is King

2010-08-11T15:05:00.001-07:00

I looked my wife in the eye one day this week and confessed to her that I have a problem.
“It’s only August,” I explained. “And I already can’t wait for football to start.”
As she sympathetically (sarcastically?) assured me that this month will fly right by, I reflected on the fact that there are very few things that can get my insides all squirrelly a full month in advance. Granted, I love Thanksgiving and Christmas as much as the next guy, but once you get past the age of 12, there really isn’t much to get excited about. Except being able to stuff your face, but you can really do that any other day of the year. I mean, this is America, after all.
In the realm of sports, there really isn’t anything that I get this excited about. I grew up playing baseball, and I still get to relive my glory days (those being my MVP season for the City Rec League Astros in the summer of 1993, complete with the accompanying soundtrack of You’re The Best Around by Joe Esposito) on the slow-pitch softball field. I loved watching the World Cup this summer, I really enjoy hockey season (when I can actually find a game on TV, which is rare), and going to see the Padres play is always a good time (especially this year, when they’re actually going to win the division even though they’re going to fold like every other year).
But none of these things really get me pumped up the way that football season does. And I’m not just talking about the NFL, either, although that is the main source of my anticipatory glee. I talked with Valley Center varsity football coach Rob Gilster this week about the Jaguars’ upcoming season, and I have to say, I’m really looking forward to Friday nights this fall. (Be sure to check out the 2010 VCHS football preview to your left).
So I started wondering, what about football season sets it apart from all these other things I enjoy? And why do so many people seem to feel the same way?
I think there are three things about football that make September one of the most anticipated months of the year. And since I like you so much, I’m going to share these three things with you right now. You’re welcome.

1. The Ideal Format
The most basic level of enjoyment in the world of sports comes from simply being able to watch a game. Whether you like the teams or not, whether you fully understand the strategy or not, or if you just want to spend an enjoyable evening with friends, sports are a lot of fun. So the more games there are, the better, right?
Wrong. The Padres play 180 games every year, and last season, they averaged under 24,000 fans in attendance per game. That’s slightly over half the capacity of Petco Park. Ouch. And that’s not saying anything against the Padres, it just proves the point that a Thursday night game in April against the Milwaukee Brewers (attendance: 16,696 for the game on April 29 of this year, by the way) just can’t help but be met with a bit of a collective yawn. Honestly, once anything starts to reach a level of oversaturation, it loses some of its appeal.
In contrast, the Chargers haven’t had a regular-season game blacked out (NFL rules stipulate that a game won’t be shown on local television if the team hasn’t sold all the tickets for that game) since 2004, and there are plenty of news articles written about how the Chargers aren’t exactly the best in the league when it comes to selling out games. And even though NFL tickets are exponentially more expensive than MLB tickets, the Chargers sell out their home games because fans know there are only eight of them every season (plus a few playoff games, if they get there). When something cool only happens eight times a year, it’s a lot more likely that you’ll plunk down the $50+ just to go see it. Even if the team is lame, it’s still better than snoozing through another Jon Garland-vs.-Adam Wainwright one-run shoot-out (from May 25 of this year, attendance: 18,236).
Which brings up another point—football is just more fun to watch. The play happens, there’s a little break for some replays, then another play happens. It’s not stare-off-into-space-while-contemplating-the-cosmos boring like baseball can be, but it’s not continuous action like hockey and soccer. You get to see stuff happening, but you also get little pauses to allow the analysts to help you understand what just happened. As far as fan-friendly sports go, football has the ideal setup.
That format even extends to the way the season plays out. Because each team only plays one game each week, fans only have to block out one day a week to watch their favorite team. If you really want to devoutly follow the Toronto Maple Leafs or the Cleveland Cavaliers (although I can’t imagine why) or the Texas Rangers, you pretty much can’t have a life during the season. Not that anyone who is a diehard Cavs fan can claim to have much of a life anyway, but at least a committed football fan has the luxury of six days a week to do other things. Granted, most of us football fans use those six days to dissect every play that happened on Sunday (or Monday night), but still, it’s nice to know we could have a life.

2. The Popularity
I’ve admitted before that the way my sports fanship has come about is because of my sports hatred. Basically, the teams I like are the rivals of the teams I don’t like. I like the Miami Dolphins because I grew up in Western New York and was sick of all the Buffalo Bills fans. I like the Mets and the Red Sox in large part because I can’t stand the Yankees.
A lot of the reason why I don’t like certain teams is because they’re overly popular. I still can’t talk about Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas or Andre Reed without getting a look of snarling anger on my face, because when I was growing up, all the Buffalo-area news stations would just gush about the K-Gun offense and Marv Levy and Cornelius “The Biscuit” Bennett and the amazing (read: cheating) comeback against the Houston Oilers in January of 1993 and all the rest.
So why would I advocate the benefits of enjoying something that’s popular?
I’m glad you asked. Really, it comes down to accessibility and the potential for enjoyment that comes from being able to get into something easily.
And football is easy to find. If you want to know who will be the starting running back for the Seattle Seahawks this season, there are plenty of experts whose job is to watch the Seattle Seahawks and tell the world which tailback figures to get the most touches this season. If you want to find out how to spot an outside linebacker blitz, I know of at least four different shows on television that feature experts explaining these “X’s and O’s” kind of details. If you want to know which NFL player Kim Kardashian is currently exploiting dating, it doesn’t take more than a couple clicks of the mouse.
In short, it’s not hard to go from casual fan to diehard with very little personal effort. My wife is a good example—back before we got married, I started inviting her over to watch football with me on Sundays, and before the end of the season, she knew more about some teams than I did. OK that’s probably a bit of an exaggeration, but not really by a lot. She knows her stuff, and she’s looking forward to the season almost as much as I am.

3. Fantasy Football
The final threshold for the transition from casual fan to diehard, fantasy football is almost a sport in and of itself. It falls into the previous two categories we’ve discussed (it only happens once a week and it’s popular) which makes it an ideal way for football fans to add another layer of enjoyment to the game.
I’ve played fantasy football for the past seven years now, and I have to say, I’m probably more excited about my various FFL (Fantasy Football League) drafts than I am about the NFL’s opening weekend.
If you still don’t know what fantasy football is (apparently those people still exist), it’s basically a league of people who take turns picking the various NFL players to form their own teams. Each player earns a certain number of points based on how he performed in his NFL game that week (as in, if Tony Romo throws a touchdown pass, he gets six points for his FFL “owners”) and the teams in each FFL compete against each other using these point totals to determine a winner each week. There are different formats and different scoring rules depending on the league, but the basics are the same.
What fantasy football does is give football fans an excuse to be interested in players and teams that they may not pay much attention to otherwise. Last season, I had Washington Redskins receiver Santana Moss in one of my leagues. Would I pay much attention to the Redskins if I didn’t have Moss? Probably not. But because I counted on him as my number two receiver, I had to find out if he was getting the ball as often as he should, and if he was getting chances to score touchdowns, and if he had any injury concerns. I learned more about a player, his team, and other players at his position because I was invested in my fantasy league.
And before you wonder just how big of a nerd I am, I have to say that all the investigation I did took very little time. Fantasy football is pretty universally free these days, and especially if you go with a site like ESPN.com, you get outstanding updates, live scoring and all the latest tools right at your fingertips. We literally had a seven-year-old owner in one of my leagues last year, and he did pretty well. He made it to the playoffs, if I remember correctly, and that’s not exactly a given.
I’m planning on writing a more robust fantasy football column in the next few weeks, complete with a few of my sleepers and snoozers, so if you’re at all interested in fantasy football, check back with us each week and be sure to write in to sports@valleycenter.com to share your thoughts on the subject.
In the meantime, I’m going to go curl up with a recording of Tom Jackson breaking down the zone blocking scheme in minute detail.
And I’m going to count the minutes until September.

I Kid You Not: Football, Soccer & Teams With Disasters For Names

2010-08-03T16:56:00.000-07:00

If I were 12 years old, I would be pretty upset with the Target Corporation.
To be fair, I’d probably be less than happy with almost all the retailers out there this time of year, because it seems like it gets earlier and earlier every summer that they insist on reminding us that summer is winding down, thanks to a slew of “Back To School!” banners, commercials and ads in the newspaper.
But for as much fun as summer is when you’re a kid, there’s really not much in it if you’re a sports fan. Sure, there’s baseball, but who wants to watch two guys play catch for three hours (unless it’s a Red Sox-Yankees game, in which case it’s more like four)? NASCAR is going strong, but the summer months feature some of the most boring races (Pocono, Indianapolis, Chicago, Michigan twice... yawn) and The Chase is still more than a month away. Things have gotten so bad that I actually watched a Major League Soccer (MLS) game last week. Let’s just say that MLS is not so exciting after you’ve gotten used to World Cup soccer.
But even in a summer when the weather can’t seem to make up its mind (we just went through San Diego’s coldest July in nearly 100 years), I still had a few random thoughts about sports this week that I would like to share with you.
As always, I would love to hear your thoughts about these, or any, sports-related topic. Send me an e-mail at sports@valleycenter.com anytime and we’ll get a good discussion going.

I’m Sure The Browns Would Still Be Terrible
Watching the World Cup this year was a really fun experience, and I feel like I learned a lot about soccer. If I lived in Europe—or if it didn’t cost an arm and a leg to watch English Premier League (EPL) soccer here in America—then I would probably watch more of the world’s elite soccer players battle it out on the pitch.
One little detail about the EPL that I find fascinating is the idea of relegation.
Basically, the Premier League consists of the top 20 soccer teams in England and is affiliated with The Football League, which consists of 72 clubs split evenly between three divisions, The Championship League, League One and League Two.
I suppose the simplest way of putting it is to say that, at the end of each season, each of these four divisions changes teams. The top three teams in the three lower divisions get to move up to the next division, while the bottom three teams from the top three divisions move down. It sounds complicated, but it makes sense.
The idea is that the Premier League is reserved for the teams that are the best of the best, but each team’s spot in this league is not a guarantee. You have to earn your chance to play in the EPL every season.
I absolutely love this idea for other sports. For one thing, you’re not watering down the competition between the good teams by making them have to play pushovers. For another thing, you’re giving teams in rebuilding years a chance to play meaningful games against opponents who are more closely matched in talent, making for more exciting games. It’s the best of both worlds.
Imagine if this concept were to be applied to the NFL. Right now, there are 32 teams in the league, and honestly, it’s not hard to say that 16 of those teams are legitimate, while the other 16 are middle-of-the-road, at best. Take the top 16 teams (according to last year’s standings, the top 16 teams in the league were Indianapolis, New Orleans, San Diego, Minnesota, Green Bay, Dallas, Philadelphia, New England, Cincinnati, Arizona, New York Jets, Baltimore, Atlanta, Pittsburgh, Houston and one of the teams that finished 8-8, which were Carolina, San Francisco, Denver, New York Giants and Tennessee) and separate them into the NFL Division I or something like that. Then put the other 16 teams in Division II and have them play against each other all season. At the end of the year, the bottom three from Division I get sent down, while the top three from Division II move up. It adds more drama to those games at the end of the year, especially for those teams who aren’t going to make the playoffs. More meaningful games are good for all of us.
Of course, the teams that stink wouldn’t be happy about it… at first. But I have a feeling they’d all get used to it, because they’d still be officially in the NFL, they wouldn’t be getting blown out, and they’d have a chance to play for the Division II championship (which could be held the week before the Super Bowl to save us all from the disappointment that is the Pro Bowl) at the end of the season. It’s hard to get excited about a game between the Browns and the Panthers, but if a win meant that one of them got a shot at moving up to Division I, then the intensity gets ratcheted up a notch. Again, how could anyone turn down a chance to see more games that mean something?
The only potential downside I can see is that it’s hard to get better if you’re not playing against better players. But I think the competition level in the NFL, across the board, is such that even the worst teams in the league still have players who are playing at an elite level. Just because the Rams only won one game last year doesn’t mean that Steven Jackson isn’t a talented running back.
And with the way that the NFL goes through cycles (remember when the Colts and Patriots were terrible?), I think we would still see those cycles play out like they have in the past. The NFL would have to tweak the draft rules just a bit—perhaps they would have Division II draft first, going in the inverse order of the standings, then have the Division I teams follow after—but I think things wouldn’t change much. A few good players can turn a franchise around, and it can happen at just about any time.

On The Plus Side, We’d Get To See More Of Brooks Bollinger
Another NFL idea I’d like to see put into action is the concept of a minor league farm system, similar to what we have in baseball and hockey.
Each Major League Baseball (MLB) team has a series of minor league teams in the farm system—meaning that if a player on the MLB team gets hurt or traded, the club can “call up” a player from the top minor league team to replace him. Each minor league team is affiliated with an MLB team so the pro team can develop the talent of young players before bringing them up to the big leagues. It’s the same in the National Hockey League (NHL), only each NHL team only has one minor league team instead of a whole farm system.
Why hasn’t anyone tried this in the NFL? I guess the popularity of football is still relatively new, and it would be a pretty serious undertaking to get the logistics worked out for the creation of 32 minor league football teams. But I have a feeling that the investment would more than pay off, and I don’t think it takes a genius to get the ball rolling.
Let’s say that we could convince 32 multi-millionaires that it would be totally cool to own your own sports franchise. A stretch, I know, but… we’ll just call it a hypothetical. Anyway, we get 32 rich guys (or gals, there’s nothing wrong with that. Other than still using the term “gals” I mean. I digress.) to pony up enough to pay for players, coaches, uniforms, staff, stadium use and team travel expenses. The league would have to set some kind of a salary cap to keep things reasonable (ideally, you’d want some kind of system that only allows you to pay a certain maximum based on a player’s experience and position on the field), but we’ll skip that for now.
What would be great about the DFL (Developmental Football League)—or whatever it would be called—is that you wouldn’t really have to change much about the structure of the current NFL squad. Each team is allowed to have 80 players on the roster during training camp. Throughout the summer, a series of cuts is made, brining the roster down to the regular season size of 53. Of course, during the season, each team can only have 45 active players dressed for each game. Those eight who are not dressed are the members of the practice squad, or scout team.
If each NFL team had a minor league affiliate, they wouldn’t need to make all those cuts, just a decision about who plays in the big leagues and who gets sent down. Keep those 45 players for the NFL team and you still have 35 left over from the 80 you brought to training camp. And there are always plenty of unsigned free agents out there after the draft, so I don’t think teams would have trouble finding another ten guys who want a shot at playing pro football.
Here’s the genius of the plan, though—because of the popularity of college football, the NFL draft has become a big-time event in and of itself. We want to see where Tim Tebow is going to play his pro ball. We want to know what will happen to Jimmy Clausen, Jahvid Best, C.J. Spiller and Ndomukong Suh.
With a developmental league, these players would all get to play every week, and we’d get to watch their development. Watch Tim Tebow learn to read the cover-two defense. Watch Jahvid Best learn to pick up a pro blitz. It’s riveting.
Plus, if an organization were to be particularly on the ball, you could have a similar system in place for both levels (for example, if the Philadelphia Eagles run a West Coast offense, then their minor league team should also follow suit). It would be a lot like the high school system of varsity and JV, with different coaches following the same system. And something tells me there would be no shortage of coaches who would be more than happy to sign up for this kind of a chance.
Really, the only detail that’s left is to start picking out the names of the minor league teams. I still can’t decide if it would be easier for the teams to play in the same stadium as their NFL counterparts or if they should have their own (nearby) cities. If they used the same stadium, they could just follow the NFL team’s schedule, but reversed (for example, if the Chargers are hosting the Chiefs, then the San Diego Lightning would play at the Kansas City Braves in the minor league matchup).
But, if each team had its own city, we could revitalize some smaller cities and give minor league football its own culture, just like minor league baseball. Each team could come up with something a little wacky (like the Lansing Lugnuts or the Tacoma Rainiers) that’s also specific to that geographic location. Add some crazy logos and you’ve got some fan-friendly football fun ready to take the field.
The other question would be when the minor league teams would play. I say they should play on Friday night so they wouldn’t interfere with college football. You could also make arguments for Wednesday night (a cure for the mid-week, no-football blues) or for Sunday afternoon. I’d be ok with any of these, just as long as we got to see more football.
Of course, the downside is that we’d be over-saturating the talent pool a bit—look at the rosters in the United Football League (UFL) and it wouldn’t be surprising to wonder, “Quinn Gray? Isn’t he dead? I thought he died in 2002. Weird.” And the UFL kind of already has a leg up as far as goofy names and logos (although I’m sure you get lots of street cred for wearing a light blue Florida Tuskers cap in downtown Tallahassee these days).
But I still think that more football can’t help but be fun to watch, especially if we know that it means something (with apologies to the UFL’s championship game, the aptly-named UFL Championship Game…that took some marketing genius). We’d get to see some college stars sharpen their skills before getting tossed into the fires of the NFL. We’d get to see more of the 2009 UFL MVP, Brooks Bollinger, and who wouldn’t want that?
Seriously though, minor league football is an idea waiting to be realized. I just hope I’m given the proper credit when the time comes.

What, Too Soon For A Team To Be Called The New Orleans Hurricanes?
Speaking of team names, and speaking of MLS, I realized something while watching the MLS All-Star Game this week. And no, my realization was not overwhelming shame brought on by watching the MLS All-Star Game.
As the announcers desperately tried to sell the viewers on the merits of MLS, they would talk about the various teams in the league. At some point, I realized that two of the teams are named after natural disasters that happened in that city. The first one I noticed was the Chicago Fire, which I’ll grant is a cool name, and since the Great Chicago Fire happened nearly 140 years ago, I think it’s a safe enough reference to make.
But I couldn’t help but Tweet my reaction, and the follow up thoughts about teams and names that reference disasters. Ever full of sarcasm and wit, I wondered if we would see the San Francisco Earthquakes, or the Seattle Volcanoes, or the Louisiana Flood.
Turns out, as I watched more of the telecast, there actually is a team in MLS called the San Jose Earthquakes.

For one thing, I think a single earthquake is scary enough, but to have to face a team full of earthquakes…that is a contest I’m not prepared to undertake.
Is it just me, or is it a little odd that a team can be named after a disaster that happened just 21 years ago? I remember the San Francisco earthquake of 1989, mostly because it interrupted the World Series, but I still have clear mental pictures of collapsed bridges, chunks of highway uprooted and buildings falling over. This wasn’t that long ago, but it’s open for a team to be named after it?
My Tweets carry over to Facebook, so I ended up in a bit of a discussion about this phenomenon that circled back to listing a whole lot of borderline-inappropriate team names that MLS should consider. Some of the gems include the Oklahoma Cyclones, the Buffalo Blizzard (an actual team in the now-defunct National Professional Soccer League),
the Kansas Dustbowls, the South Carolina Confederates, the Dallas Grassy Knolls, and my personal favorite (courtesy of my friend Rick), the Pearl Harbor Attack.
Just to be clear, none of this is meant in a mean spirit or anything—the point is that if it’s OK to have a team named the San Jose Earthquakes just 21 years after the actual earthquake, where do we draw the line?
I’d like to further explain myself by saying that I honestly have no opinion on the matter, I just happened to find it interesting that a team/league would step out and make a decision like this. I don’t have a problem with it—to me, it’s just a team name, and should therefore be taken as such. I could write a whole lot of pages about my thoughts on people who take themselves and everything else too seriously, but I’ll save that for another time.
I guess my curiosity is such that I wonder why a team would even bother to tempt it by using a name that could have any potential negative connotation? On the other hand, part of me wants to congratulate them for taking that kind of a stand, because, as I said, it’s just a team name, and honestly, why should it be taken as anything more? It’s an interesting situation, that’s for sure.
And as I said before, if you have any thoughts on the subject, please e-mail me at sports@valleycenter.com and I’ll be sure to share what you have to say with our readers.
Just be sure to send it in right away, because (as Target keeps reminding me) summer is almost over, and the sports pages will soon be filled with all the football that’s fit to print once again!

The Wonders Of Comic-Con

2010-07-28T02:13:00.001-07:00

It was right around the time when the yeti slammed down his copy of Twilight: Eclipse and stormed out of the room that I realized it had been a bit of an unusual week.
As odd as that scene may seem to most of you, I assure you that it was just one of the many fantastic sights from this year’s annual gathering of nerds, known far and wide as San Diego Comic-Con 2010.
Last year was my first time going to The Con, so I had no idea what to expect. This year was interesting because I knew what it would be like, but I still was not fully prepared for the grandeur and sheer size of the massive event.
I went in more prepared. I had my list of panels I wanted to see. I scoped out the floor on Wednesday night (I get to go on the preview night because I’m a member of the media—and also because I’m quite awesome) to get the lay of the land and feel out the booths that would be best to visit again and again for all kinds of swag.
But I still missed out on a lot of stuff. People who weren’t even there asked me afterwards, “Did you see Angelina Jolie?” or “Did you find out if Mark Ruffalo was confirmed as the new Hulk?” or “Did you get stabbed in the eye with a pen by a kid wearing a Harry Potter shirt?” (which actually happened to someone, by the way). I saw a lot of stuff, but I still came away feeling like I missed a lot as well. I suppose that’s part of the genius of The Con; even after an intense week of nerdery, you still walk away wanting more.
But getting back to the things I did experience, it wasn’t quite as awe-inspiring for me as it was last year. I guess I’ll never really recapture that childlike wonderment that comes along with the maiden voyage to Comic-Con, which is a little bit sad. But there was still lots to see, and I will do my best to recount some of the amazing sights, sounds and experiences I encountered.

The bike from the upcoming Tron movie:

Wednesday Night
I used a summer camp analogy to describe last year’s Comic-Con, and if you’ll forgive the duplication, I have just one more comparison to make—the first night of The Con is a lot like the first day at camp. You don’t really know your way around yet, the kids who got their first already called the cool cabin, and nothing’s really going full swing just yet. It’s a good night to just wander the floor aimlessly, as I did for the better part of two hours, seeing what booths are giving out good stuff (that would be the Columbia Pictures booth, featuring the movie Salt, The Green Hornet and a sequel to the movie 30 Days Of Night) and what booths are going to be lame and stingy. (Seriously, G4? You only have buttons this year, and you expect us to pay for t-shirts? Not cool.)
But one of the most amusing moments for me (I’m a word nerd, so you may not find this funny at all) was on the trolley down to the convention center. The trolley driver, explaining that this was the red line special event service train, said that we could exit the trolley at one of three stops if we were attending “The Comic-Con.” I had to Tweet about that when it happened, because (as all nerds know), it’s not “The” Comic-Con, it’s just Comic-Con. So I went about calling it The Comic-Con for the rest of the week. And I considered this to be hilarious.
The rest of Wednesday night at The Comic-Con was spent watching part of a sneak-peek at the upcoming CW network series Nikita, about an assassin who is trying to… um…assassinate people.

I couldn’t really get into it at all because the characters kept just saying what they were feeling or describing what was happening. For example, a scene in which the show’s star, Nikita, is escaping from a secure location. She gets followed to an alley behind the building and caught by a member of the security team, who also (apparently) used to know this girl and/or have a relationship with her. Anyway, the dialogue was so elementary, they were actually saying things like “You know I can’t shoot you…not after all we’ve been through…” instead of, you know, letting the flashbacks we saw tell the story about how they went through things together. I’m not saying I could do it any better, but I can at least recognize when it’s not exactly Tolkien-esque. I’ll get down off my writer’s soapbox now.

Friday Night
I skipped Thursday this year, partly to save on gas money, and partly because I am married now, and I should probably pay at least a cursory amount of attention to my bride of just over two months. Love you, sweetheart!
Anyway, I went back down on Friday night, and I could immediately tell the difference between the weekend and the earlier mid-week days. It was pretty packed, and the costumes were starting to be much more numerous (and detailed). I saw some princesses (who explicitly said, “We’re not representing Disney!” to avoid any potential lawsuits):

...as well as some interesting takes on classic characters, such as Nintendo’s Mario looked a tad suspicious with his flashy suit, big hat and stylish cane:

...and some good, homemade group costumes (the cast of Pokemon, as worn by four girls who really did a great job with the costumes):
It's hard to see this girl with the camouflage on, except that it barely covers her:

I always forget about the autograph area until the end of the day, so by the time I got up there, not very many celebrities were still around. Olivia Munn was there signing copies of her book, Suck It, Wonder Woman: The Misadventures Of A Hollywood Geek, but I missed the ticket giveaway earlier that morning, so I just snapped a photo and moved along:

Not much happened Friday night, so I went home a little early and got ready for The Comic-Con’s big day.

It's Scott Wolf! From Party Of Five! AAAHHHH!!!!

Harry Potter's cloak of invisibility:

Saturday
Let me start off the story of my Comic-Con Saturday with a little shout out to the event staff—I almost missed out on the craziness of the day, but the sympathy and kind heart of one particular staff member made it possible.
Basically, I forgot my press pass when I drove down to meet the trolley to the convention center. As I mentioned, the need to save on gas money is a priority when you get married, so there was not enough fuel to get me home again, then back down to the trolley. So I embarked for the convention center, hoping that my press confirmation letter and photo ID would be enough.
The official policy of Comic-Con is that they don’t reissue press passes. To replace a lost attendee badge costs $100. I talked to four different people at three different locations, and there appeared to be nothing they could do.
Well, after talking with one of the supervisors, and assuring them that I had not sold my pass or anything like that, she took pity on me and issued me a one-day press pass for no charge. I won’t mention her name, just in case there would be any trouble she could get into, but I thanked her profusely and headed off to the exhibit hall once again.
Saturday at The Comic-Con is a new world full of bright colors, loud, random sounds and a whirlwind of activity that will turn your brain upside-down. It reminds me of the time I accidentally took too much Benadryl (and by too much, I mean I took one pill—I’m apparently a wimp when it comes to medicine) and ended up feeling loopy and unsure of spatial stimuli and tactile input for an entire evening.
But instead of feeling out of it, the excitement of the exhibition floor gets you pumped up for a day of costumes, celebrities and… well, waiting in line for upwards of two hours just to see something worth seeing. Woo hoo!

Batman gets interviewed...because he's always so available, after all:

Yes, there was some Twilight gear there.

At least it didn't ruin Comic-Con this year, like it did last year, apparently.

Celebrities were everywhere, from Chris Evans and Hugo Weaving (from the new Captain America movie) at the Marvel booth...

...to Michael Chiklis (who played The Thing in the Fantastic Four movies)...

to Seth MacFarlane (creator of Family Guy and The Cleveland Show)...
No, I didn’t see Angelina Jolie, or Will Ferrell, or Chevy Chase. Oh wait, I did see Chevy Chase.

And I totally nodded my head in his general direction as he walked by. We’re pretty much best friends now.
The costumes were amazing, from (my personal favorite) Colonel Sanders...

...to Gandalf...

to Voltron...
...to whatever this is...

...and that’s before the Masquerade even began. But we’ll get to that in a bit.
I had to go to the Attack Of The Show (AOTS) panel, mostly because it’s a hilarious show on G4 that shows the latest internet video sensations, gadget reviews, movie news and general awesomeness. Also, the hosts, Kevin Pereira and Olivia Munn, are really funny. I pretty much stalked Miss Munn last year at The Con, even participating in the now-famous Running Of The Munns that took place when one of her autograph sessions had to be moved at the last minute. I'm sure she's used to it.
Anyway, the AOTS panel brought the goods, as it does every year, with a contest to see which nerd could best imitate the now-famous “Double Rainbow” video clip that’s been circling the Web. They also had a bingo contest regarding the things that would happen during the panel. Some of the possible goings-on included “Sexy Yeti Sighting,” “AOTS Batman Surprises Kevin,” and “Zombie Apocalypse.” I did not win the bingo, but whoever had “Yeti Gets Upset With The Ending To The Twilight Series” got some fabulous prizes.
I got a couple autographs...

...took a photo with Pereira...

and boogied out to see what else was happening.
Turns out they close the exhibition hall at 7 p.m., but there was still plenty to see. In my wanderings, I happened upon the line for the Masquerade, an event I missed last year. They still had tickets, so I grabbed one and wondered (with some trepidation) if I would be forced to slow dance.
To my great relief, I did not. From the comfort of my seat, I was able to watch what was essentially a fashion show combined with an improv class, all featuring some awesome costumes.
Some were marvels of engineering, like the Amp suit from the movie Avatar:

...or the entirely-homemade minotaur:

...or the crowd-favorite Puff The Magic Dragon:

Others were great because of the presentation, such as the Xavier School Musical (the X-Men cartoon characters singing and dancing, like in that series of teen song-and-dance movies that shall not be named):

and the mish-mash of time-traveling heroes that included Bill & Ted, Dr. Who, Sam Beckett and Ziggy (from Quantum Leap) and, of course, Doc Brown and Marty McFly:

And some were just plain awesome, like the kid with the War Machine (from Iron Man 2) costume:

...or the Avatar vs. Avatar showdown (between the main characters from Avatar: The Last Airbender and James Cameron’s Avatar):

...or the winner of Best In Show, a group called Viva Las Villains that featured some famous comic book villains as they might appear in their own series of casinos:

The costumes were amazing, the presentation varied from uncomfortable to genuinely clever and funny, and the atmosphere was electric. Nerds love their cosplay, I suppose.
All told, it was a great week. I even had a few observations gathered over the course of The Comic-Con this year.
—There was a tremendous amount of diversity in the crowd, which shouldn’t really be a surprise in 2010, but was still noteworthy in a socially positive sense. From the black guy dressed as Batman Beyond:

...to the Asian kid dressed as “super” hero Kick-A**:

...to the Hispanic Jedi warrior I waited in line with to get a tin of red hots from the WB booth.
The world of the nerd apparently knows no boundaries, and The Comic-Con was a perfect example.
—The best swag (which stands for Stuff We All Get) came from the aforementioned Columbia Pictures booth, where they handed out three different free t-shirts, posters, buttons, and, on occasion, packages of microwave popcorn. They did it right—sometimes they weren’t handing out anything, sometimes you got a bunch of stuff. You had to check back at random times to see if you could score something cool.
The booth that was so close to getting it right was the booth for Millenium Films, featuring upcoming releases Red, Drive Angry and The Expendables. They gave out free t-shirts, but with a catch—you had to go to a different part of the exhibition hall to wait in line, and they only gave out a limited number, so the line was immediately full as soon as it opened. They gave away a lot of other stuff, including refrigerator magnets and keychains, but it mostly cluttered up my backpack and after the second day of it, nobody really wanted another cord organizer from the upcoming movie Sourcecode.
I was pretty disappointed with the G4 booth, which gave away lots of stuff last year, but insisted on selling stuff this year. They handed out buttons this year, but compared to last year’s giveaways of shirts, rub-on tattoos, photos, posters and even green plastic visors, it was just sad. Same with the WB booth, which clearly had enough foot traffic to justify some cool handouts, but only passed out little red hots in a Vampire Diaries tin, a free Harry Potter broomstick for your character on Xbox Live, some little buttons, and a card to go to another booth to get a Big Bang Theory button. For one thing, don’t make me stand in line all that time just to send me on an errand. And for another thing, come on folks, it’s The Comic-Con. This is not the time to skimp.
—As always, there was a lot I kind of saw but didn’t get to investigate. There is apparently a new Medal Of Honor video game coming out (I was a HUGE fan of the MOH series when it was on Playstation 1 & 2, when it was about World War II, but this one looks like it involves modern wars), and I didn’t really get down to the Marvel booth that often (they didn’t hand out much, and it was a little ways away from the main booths congregated in the center of the exhibition hall). I heard a lot about different panels, but you can pretty much only see one panel a day (unless you stay for back-to-back panels in the same room) because the lines get so long so quickly.
I wish I’d had a little more time to check out the autograph area as well; I did take some photos of the scattered celebrities who were left on Saturday night (including the voice cast of Futurama:

...as well as the guy who played The Soup Nazi on Seinfeld):

but I didn’t get any sweet autographs this year.
But there were a couple of random sightings that made my week, in a weird way. I checked out last year’s Comic-Con photos, and found this picture of a nerdy kid with big white shoes riding the trolley the first day:

Well, I saw him on the trolley again this year, but in a much bigger crowd, so I couldn’t get a shot of him. I saw another guy, also from last year’s trolley ride (this nerdy guy, who was thoroughly engrossed in his bag of goodies):

...on the trolley ride home on Saturday. In a weird way, it was a cool way to end my Comic-Con experience this year, as if seeing those guys brought it all around, full-circle.
And it reminded me that no matter how cool I get, or how many times I see an angry yeti storm off a stage, I’m just a big, nerdy kid inside.
Be sure to write in if you have any thoughts about Comic-Con, or if you have any photos from The Con that you'd like to share.

The Best & Worst Of The 2010 World Cup

2010-07-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

With a single flick of his right foot, Andres Iniesta gave Spain its first world championship and put a fitting cap on the delightful brew of excitement, controversy, and drama that was the 2010 World Cup.
Iniesta’s one-hop goal was mesmerizing — he stayed just onside, locked in on a tough-to-handle bouncing pass, lined it up and sent it past Dutch keeper Maarten Stekelenburg for the game-winner. Neither team played an outstanding game; it looked like they were both too afraid of making a critical mistake that they didn’t take very many chances.
But when they did, the goalkeeping was outstanding. Iker Casillas earned his honorary title, Saint Iker, with this performance, and Stekelenburg stood very tall until Iniesta’s blast got past him.
Honestly, the most exciting play for me, a fledgling indoor soccer goalie when time permits, was Casillas’ save on Arjen Robben early in the second half. Robben took a perfectly-timed pass from midfield, split the Spanish defense, and had a one-on-one chance that all but the poorest strikers would have buried in the back of the net.
But Casillas came off his line, held his ground at the penalty spot, and got a foot on Robben’s shot as he dove to his left. I’m still amazed that Jabulani ball isn’t on its way to the Netherlands as a trophy of conquest.
The big save in the biggest of spotlights was only one of the enthralling moments from this World Cup.
Here are my awards for the best (and worst) the 2010 World Cup had to offer.

Best Goal
This one was a toss-up between three different goals — David Villa’s long-range strike against Chile, Diego Forlan’s knuckleball free kick against Ghana in the quarterfinals, and, of course, Landon Donovan’s heroic, last-second goal against Algeria in the final game for the USA in the group stage.
Villa’s goal might be the most amazing just because it was so unlikely. The Spaniards cleared out a Chilean advance, sending Spanish forward Fernando Torres after the long pass. Chile keeper Claudio Bravo came way off his line to get to the ball first, sliding into it and clearing it away. But instead of sending it out of bounds, Bravo cleared it only as far as Villa, who was following up the play along the sideline. From 40 yards away, Villa curled the ball with his left foot into the vacated net for an astounding goal.
On the other hand, Forlan scored what I consider to be the best technical goal of the tournament. Uruguay pushed up the field on offense against Ghana in the quarterfinals, and earned a free kick to the left of the goal, just outside the penalty area. Forlan took the free kick, sailed it over the wall and past his onrushing teammates and into the top corner of the goal. Other players scored on free kicks in the tournament, but what makes this goal stand out is the fact that Forlan had such complete control over an otherwise uncontrollable Jabulani ball. The replay shows that the ball was dipping and diving in an erratic path to the net, but Forlan hit it exactly where it needed to go. That, and the fact that was the equalizer in an eventual 1–1 tie that went through extra time and into penalty kicks, makes it one of the best goals I’ve ever seen.
But as far as importance and unbelievable timing, Donovan’s goal against Algeria cannot be summed up in words, although I’ll do my best to try.
I’ll start by having you go immediately to your computer and search for video clips of reactions to this goal. You’ll see a series of American fans gathered together to watch the game, hoping for a goal that will send the USA through to the knockout stage. You’ll see the excitement build as the American players push the ball up the field, Donovan in control of the ball. You’ll see the tension build as Donovan sends the ball ahead to the feet of Jozy Altidore, who crosses the ball in front of the net to Clint Dempsey. You’ll see the look of abject despair as the keeper saves the shot. But then — oh my, the goosebumps — you’ll see the eruption of unbridled joy as Donovan sweeps in and drives the rebound into the back of the net.
As far as the skill of the goal, it wasn’t as impressive as the other two I’ve mentioned. But in terms of sheer importance, this goal came at an unbelievable time from the player who most needed to step up in that situation. It was an amazing goal at a critical time in the game which was so important to our team.
Honestly, I can’t decide which of these was the best goal of the tournament. I like them all. If you want to write in and tell me what the best goal was, please do by writing to me at sports@valleycenter.com. You may even have a different goal that you thought was the best. Let me know what you think, and I’ll be sure to pass on your thoughts to our readers.
And now, back to the column.

Best Team
I have to say that Germany had an unbelievable World Cup. After losing starter after starter to injury before the tournament even began, the Germans came up with a series of young replacements that ended up leading the team to an impressive third-place finish.
The talents of Mesut Oezil, Thomas Mueller, Lukas Podolski, Sami Khedira, Jerome Boateng and goalie Manuel Neuer, all of whom are under the age of 26, will certainly make Germany one of the favorite squads in the next World Cup.

Most Fun Team To Watch
I’ll just go ahead and say it — the French. Les Bleus were so otherworldly awful that you just couldn’t look away. It was kind of like watching Megan Fox try to show genuine emotions on the big screen — it could be considered a crime against humanity in some countries, but you just can’t help but watch. France scored a single goal in the tournament, a score that came in the 70th minute of the final game of group play against South Africa. Their top striker, Nicolas Anelka, got sent home for his profanity-filled tirade about coach Raymond Domenech. The rest of the team went on strike because of Anelka’s dismissal, which is exactly what you want to do when you’re struggling to score goals — skip practice. They were so bad, it was comical.
A close runner-up for most fun team to watch would be the Netherlands, who were absolutely rife with infighting and personal grudges amongst teammates. Striker Robin Van Persie nearly broke a teammate’s ankle on a rough challenge — in practice. Nobody wanted to let anyone else take free kicks. Van Persie and midfielder Wesley Sneijder had a feud going back two years. Forward Arjen Robben was visibly incensed when another Dutch player would take a shot because he thought he was the only one who could score. There’s a particular angle on one of the video replays of Giovanni Van Bronckhorst’s goal against Uruguay in the semifinals where Robben clearly thought he was open. When Van Bronckhorst — the Dutch captain, by the way — took the shot, Robben has a look of absolute fury on his face, quickly replaced by begrudging acceptance when the shot found a tiny opening in the top corner of the net for a goal. These guys really hated each other, and it made their run to the final that much more entertaining.

Most Fun Name To Say
Again, this one’s a toss-up, with some real gems in there. I’m just going to list the names off, you can say them all out loud and decide which one you like best. Here we go: Per Mertesacker (Germany), Kaká (Brazil), Siphiwe Tshabalala (South Africa), Sokratis Papastathopoulos (Greece), Duda (Portugal), Cuauhtémoc Blanco (Mexico) and Xabi Alonso (Spain). All of these names make me smile when I hear them, so there is no wrong answer.

Most Unfortunate Name
Hans-Jörg Butt (Germany). Middle school was probably a daily nightmare for this poor guy.

Most Exciting Young Players To Watch
This tournament had plenty of important veterans on the pitch, from the aforementioned Mexican forward Blanco (who was the oldest non-goaltender in the tournament at age 37) to German striker Miroslav Klose (age 32) to goalie David James of England(age 39).
But the youngsters took center stage in this World Cup, from Oezil and Mueller of Germany to Giovani Dos Santos and Javier Hernandez of Mexico, to Keisuke Honda of Japan. So many African players were under age 25, a stat reflected in the fact that Ghana had the youngest average age in the tournament at 24.1. The USA fell right in the middle of the average age bracket at 26.8, showcasing some promising talent, such as Michael Bradley and Maurice Edu, which should come in handy for the 2014 World Cup.

Best Game
It would be hard to find a game more entertaining than the Uruguay-Ghana match in the quarterfinals. The action went back-and-forth all game; one team would get momentum and create scoring chances, but the other team would hold steady and steadily take the momentum back. Ghana scored in stoppage time of the first half on an excellent goal by Sulley Muntari from outside the penalty area. Uruguay countered with the aforementioned goal by Forlan not long into the second half.
The second half and eventual extra time were both exciting, but the most unbelievable moments came right at the end. With stoppage time running out in the second extra period, Ghana attacked with a flurry of shots on the Uruguayan goal as the ball bounced around like a beach ball that fans inexplicably bring to a San Diego Padres game.
After a save by goalie Fernando Muslera, Ghana headed the ball back in toward the net as Muslera scrambled to get back to his feet. Uruguay striker Luis Suarez, standing on the goal line, stuck his hands up and punched the ball away, which resulted in a red card for him and a penalty shot for Ghana.
On the final play of the game, Ghana forward Asamoah Gyan took the penalty kick that was sure to send Ghana through to the semifinals… but he hit the crossbar. Ghana fans, and really all African fans, were absolutely stunned. Uruguay celebrated, knowing that they were still alive for a penalty shootout.
And they cashed in on the opportunity, winning the shootout 4–2 on the strength of some very confident shots (look up Sebastian Abreu’s game-winning shot) and some inexplicable misses by Ghana (look up John Mensah’s weird one-step kick, followed by Dominic Adiyah’s ultra-conservative attempt).
From start to finish, this game had everything you look for.
Worst Game
Any match involving France.

Best Uniforms
Another toss-up, this time between the beautiful sky blue shirts of Uruguay (featuring a very nice watermarked pattern of a sun taken from the Uruguay flag) and the orange or green-and-white jerseys of Ivory Coast. I especially like the green-and-white stripes of Ivory Coast’s change kit, because they were intentionally designed to look hand-painted. Combined with the affinity of the African players of wearing skin-tight shirts, it created a standout look.

Worst Uniforms
Anything with the word “France” on it. Also, why couldn’t they get the same shade of orange for the Dutch jerseys and shorts in the final? That’s probably why they lost.

Best Royalty
Prince Felipe and Princess Letizia of Spain. I mean, come on — he married a commoner because he fell in love! He didn’t want to marry for stature or for stuffy tradition, he married a woman who was independent and modern! And that is probably why they won. Let that be a lesson to you, Prince William and/or Harry.

Thing I’ll Miss Most About The 2010 World Cup
I’m going to miss the thrill of watching the best soccer players in the world put everything they have into competing for their country. The drama of hard-fought matches, the way the English commentators make even the most mundane happenings sound like classic poetry, and the skills of the world’s elite players coming to light at the most critical moments. It was a great tournament, and I can’t wait until 2014.
As always, if you have any thoughts you’d like to share about the World Cup or anything about sports, send me an e-mail at sports@valleycenter.com and we’ll get a good discussion going.

Alpacas!

2010-07-12T16:07:00.001-07:00

They're not llamas. They're not sheep. They're not furry little camels.

But they are adorable.

Check out some photos from my visit to Almara Alpacas here in Valley Center...

Alpacas (left) are not llamas (right)...but they can be friends...

Alpacas come in a variety of colors:

Mary & John Cooksey with Navarro, an alpaca that has won prizes for his wool:

Mary holds a little alpaca that is being weaned from his mother...which causes the poor little guy to make nervous little humming sounds while he hovered around the gate...

The alpacas stay cool by staying out of the summer sun:

They sure are curious...especially when a new person is around...

Mary holds a surprise baby, born just about a month ago:

Here's the little guy headed off to Hollywood (and one of the adult alpacas photobombing in the background):

Fun fact, alpacas don't have teeth on their top jaw...only on the bottom.

They sure are curious...

More Things I Thought While Watching The World Cup

2010-07-08T02:16:00.001-07:00

Spain have the most eclectic collection of hairstyles in the world. I have so many questions...

...when did Carles Puyol last have a haircut? I would wager more than five years ago.

...why does Xavi swoosh his hair up on the sides?

...is Gerard Pique's beard legal?

...is David Villa really just David Beckham in disguise?

...does Sergio Ramos' hair ever get dry?

...does Fernando Torres play better when he looks like this? Or like this? Or maybe like this? Because he certainly hasn't played well while looking like this.

I also have decided that I am not rooting for the Netherlands in the final. The Oranje have been far too dramatic, they seem like whiners, and I really just don't like Arjen Robben and his bald head. Oh look, he's on the ground in that picture. How terribly shocking.

The one Dutch player I can appreciate is Dirk Kuyt, who works hard, doesn't flop (very often, anyway) and is definitely a hustle player. If he plays well on Sunday, the Dutch will be really scary to contend with.

But I'll be rooting for Spain and all the crazy hair they have...or don't have.

Five Things The World Cup Could Do Without

2010-07-08T02:14:00.000-07:00

Only four teams are still alive in the quest for the World Cup, and it has been a captivating tournament so far.
We’ve seen so many classic moments that will live forever – or, more likely in our ever-changing kaleidoscope of what’s popular, moments that will live for the next two weeks, tops – and there are certainly more timeless moments yet to come.
But the 2010 World Cup has also had its share of downside. Controversy, disappointment and the never-ending drone of a thousand plastic horns have all combined to leave a scar on the otherwise beautiful face of the tournament.
Or have they? I’ve heard a lot of different opinions about the following aspects of the latest installment of the World Cup, and I have no doubt that there are just as many different opinions about it here in Valley Center.
So here’s what we’ll do: I’m going to share with you some of the things about the World Cup that I really dislike, and (hopefully), you, the readers, will write in to share with all of us what you think. We had some great thoughts from a reader last week, and if you’re at all interested in getting in on the discussion, read on and get ready to send your thoughts to us at sports@valleycenter.com.
With that, I give you the top five things I dislike about the 2010 World Cup.
1. The vuvuzelas
Early on in the tournament, it looked to be extremely likely that this World Cup would be known for one thing: those plastic horns that everyone in South Africa seems to be able to blow incessantly for more than four hours at a time.
Before the tournament even started, we all heard about how annoying they are. Stories came out about injuries resulting from the horns, from blown-out eardrums to a report of a ruptured throat. More stories came out about how annoying they are. Then players started talking about how annoying they are, especially when you can’t hear your teammates on the field. Then comedy shows on TV started seeing just how annoying they could really make them. Turns out that they could get a lot more annoying.
To me, they’re not all that annoying because I’m watching in on TV, thousands of miles away from the source, and I can turn down the volume if I don’t want my apartment to sound like it’s the barber shop at an Army recruitment station.
The reason they’re annoying is because they’re taking something away from the game. We discussed a few weeks ago that one of the reasons I enjoy soccer so much is because of the amazing commentary served up to us by English commentators. For example, I’d much rather hear Martin Tyler explain (about a Spanish player who had to replace his torn jersey with a new one) that, “He now has the sartorial elegance necessary to continue,” as opposed to hearing Tony Siragusa explain that a defensive tackle is effective at stuffing the run because he’s been stuffing his face with pizza.
On a quick side note, my other favorite comment from Martin Tyler was about a Spanish defender getting in the way of another defender attempting to clear the ball from the zone: “That’s a case of too many cooks spoiling the gazpacho for Spain.” How is that not exponentially better than listening to John Madden ramble on about turducken?
Anyway, back to the point – the constant buzz takes away from the game. I agree with the thought that it would be nice to hear the other African cultural celebrations, like singing or chanting or anything else. I remember watching one game in the group stage (I can’t remember exactly which one, but I’m pretty sure it was a game between two European teams) where the African turnout must not have been as prevalent. The vuvuzelas were still buzzing, but it wasn’t constant and on occasion, the singing or chanting of the European fans was able to be clearly heard. It was an odd sensation after the constant droning; I think I actually got goose bumps.
Now, I have heard another side to this argument, from Bill Simmons on ESPN.com. He recently wrote that he doesn’t mind the vuvuzelas because, at this point, his brain automatically connects that sound to the excitement of watching great soccer, like a Pavlovian response. I see where he’s coming from, because it kind of does that for me too. But honestly, I’d be just as excited about the matches without the horns. This has been an excellent tournament in so many ways that it would be nice to have it remembered for something other than an annoying buzz.
2. The anti-patriotism
I listed patriotism as one of the things I love about the World Cup, and I still hold this opinion.
What I’m getting at is that, while most players are honored to play for their country, there are some slightly off-putting examples of players who try to play for a nation that isn’t really their home country.
As far as the rules of eligibility go, a player is eligible to play for a particular country if he was born there, his parents or grandparents were born there, or if he becomes a naturalized citizen of the country. Once a player chooses his international allegiance and plays in a competitive match for a country, he can not switch to another country later on.
This can lead to some kind of shady dealings with the treatment of potential star players, something exemplified by France and their importing of talented African players throughout the years.
One example from this World Cup is Ivory Coast forward Salomon Kalou, who was born in Ivory Coast but tried to obtain Dutch citizenship to play for the Netherlands in the 2006 World Cup. When he failed to make the Dutch team, he opted to play for Ivory Coast leading up to the 2010 World Cup.
There isn’t a lot of wiggle room for these things, but it’s always just a little disappointing to hear that a player was born somewhere but chose to play internationally for a different country.
Unless that player is really talented and chooses to play for the United States. Then it would be patriotic.
3. Disappointing stars
The World Cup is the biggest stage for soccer, and the game’s biggest stars shine brightest in the world’s spotlight.
Except that all the recognizable names over-egged the pudding (to borrow another of my favorite English phrases from the tournament) and been a big, fat disappointment so far.
Brazil’s Kaka, England’s Wayne Rooney, Argentina’s Lionel Messi, France’s Franck Ribery, and Spain’s Fernando Torres have all been shut out so far in the tournament, and all but Torres have been sent home with the goose egg on their record.
And even the big names who scored still didn’t help their teams, from Cristiano Ronaldo for Portugal to Didier Drogba of Ivory Coast, to Jozy Altidore for the United States. It’s been one big stinkfest for what were supposed to be some of the game’s premier players.
On the positive side, we’ve gotten to see some unsung heroes step into the spotlight, from Diego Forlan of Uruguay (my current favorite player in the tournament, by the way) to Mesut Oezil of Germany to Wesley Sneijder of the Netherlands. Even some players who are out of the tournament, such as Robert Vittek of Slovakia, Keisuke Honda of Japan and Gonzalo Higuain of Argentina, earned distinction as players who will be dangerous on the field for their respective club teams.
Still though, when the world is watching, one would hope that the best players in the world would perform as such. So far, we have yet to see it this time around.
4. Cover-your-eyes awful officiating
If you live in American and don’t know who Koman Coulibaly is, you’re in the vast minority.
Just in case you are, Coulibaly is the referee who called a phantom penalty on the United States that nullified a very last-minute goal by Maurice Edu in a near comeback against Slovenia on June 18.
Having watched that game, even the English commentators (who you wouldn’t really expect to be overly sympathetic to the Americans, especially given that England was in the same group and needed some help getting into the next round) were appalled at how poorly the game was officiated. I’m not a soccer expert, but there was a discernable groan from the crowd whenever a call was made, because the overwhelming majority of the calls were not only incorrect, but usually obvious.
More calls were blown in subsequent games, most notably in the England-Germany match and the Argentina-Mexico match in the round of 16.
England’s Frank Lampard took a shot that ricocheted off the crossbar and clearly bounced beyond the goal line for what should have been the equalizer, but the game continued because the referees missed the call.
On the same day, Argentina striker Carlos Tevez scored a goal after a bouncing ball was played in to him in front of the net. Replays showed that he was offside by at least two yards when his teammate passed him the ball, but no call was made, and the game went on.
The thing is, we do expect some degree of human error in sports, as FIFA continually drops as its trump card for its ongoing inaction. The governing body of international soccer has been traditionally resistant to using technology to help officials, and this tournament is showing the world why it might be time to reconsider.
But what really gets me is that, even if technology isn’t going to be a part of the game, at least there should be more officials to watch what’s happening to make sure that terrible decisions aren’t made because of a lack of information.
Bad calls will always be a part of sports, and we as fans will always be able to discuss what should have happened. But when it comes to a tournament at this level, at least pay the fans the courtesy of making it look like you actually care about enforcing the rules of the sport.
5. The flopping
This is related to the topic of officiating, because the root cause of all the players sprawling to the ground at the slightest whisper of contact is that, a good percentage of the time, this action will bring about a desired result.
In defense of the referees, there have been a few yellow cards shown to players for embellishing a foul, or diving.
But it isn’t called nearly often enough, and that just leads to grown men throwing themselves to the ground in a show of emotion worthy of its own reality show on E!, the Entertainment Network (which, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, is the home of such gems as Keeping Up With The Kardashians and Leave It To Lamas).
This is another aspect of the game that actually diminishes the quality of the final product presented to the fans. It’s exciting to see a series of great passes set up a player on the run to take a shot on goal. It is not exciting to see a series of passes set up a player on the run to get brushed by a defender and sashay his way to the ground with an expression of horror and dismay that even Hamlet would find a bit dramatic.
I get that it’s a strategy that works, and that it is a part of the game. And you can’t blame the players for trying it; as I said, it works more often than not.
But the referees who don’t put up with all that nonsense are helping the game by instilling a policy of playing hard and earning your chances. And the players who are known for flopping (*cough* Cristiano Ronaldo *cough*) would do well to pay attention to their reputation, because the referees seem less inclined to actually make a call when they know the player is a flop artist.
All it would take is a stricter policy on diving, and more yellow cards doled out before players would get the hint and just keep playing.

Now perhaps you, the reader, will take the hint and join the discussion by sending your thoughts in to our e-mail at sports@valleycenter.com.
There are still four teams alive in the World Cup, and no doubt a thrilling finish coming in the final on Sunday, so let us know your thoughts before the tournament is over and we all move on to something new, like Comic-Con. Just as a heads-up, Comic-Con is coming up in a few weeks, so be prepared to hear all about that. Thanks.
And while we’re at it, feel free to take advantage of the summer months here in Valley Center by sending in any info you have about anything happening in and around the community, especially as it relates to sports. The only way we’re going to be able to tell everyone about it is if you share what’s going on, and we’re always excited to hear what you have to say.
Write in anytime, and enjoy these final matches in the World Cup!

A Reader Response About The World Cup

2010-07-08T02:12:00.000-07:00

Mario Cozzi, former VCHS varsity boys soccer coach and (presumably) loyal reader of the Valley Roadrunner, sent in these comments about the World Cup...and I responded. Enjoy!

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Hey Dan - enjoyed your article in the Roadrunner regarding the World Cup. As I was reading it some thoughts came to mind:

1. Since there are so many diverse nations represented at the WC, what language are the players speaking when their talking to (a) the ref (b) the opponent? For instance, Japan is playing against, say, Mexico, and the ref is from England. Ok, so as the Japanese player is complaining/shouting to the ref about the Mexican player and vice versa, what the heck language are they speaking to each other? Same when I see the ref talking to players...warning them to stop pushing or something...or even at the start during the coin toss...does the German ref say "heads or tails"...does the Spanish player respond "heads"/"tails"...must be quite a funny scenario.

2. Will the vuvuzelas (loud, obnoxious horns) infect American sports? The closest thing I know of is in Minnesota and the Viking fans. I think they have a loud vuvuzela type of horn they blow there. Hope it doesn't spread to other sports/cities here in the USA. Maybe vuvuzelas can be banned at the customs...no one allowed to bring it in to the country. Did you know that the vuvuzela is banned from Yankee Stadium?

3. Here's something I've always wondered. In the USA we call the sport "soccer", while the rest of the world calls it "futbol". And, as we know, "soccer" is a relatively new sport in the USA...ok with that said, who's the wise-guy that came up with the name "soccer"? And where did the word come from? And why that name? And what does it mean? Seems like our own football is misnamed. Our football is mostly carried in our hands/arms. On few occassions during a game is the foot used (kick-offs, punts, PAT's, field goals)...otherwise most of the time we use our hands...yet we call the sport football. Let's see if I have this right...baseball has bases...handball uses the hand...basketball we throw the ball into a basket...racketball we use rackets...track & field is held on a track and field...volleyball you volley a ball...and football you hardly ever use your foot...huh? Should it be renamed to something like "tackleball" since almost every play involves tackling? Seems like the word "football" aligns better with the sport of soccer/futbol since most of the time the ball is kicked by the foot!

4. Will instant replay (IR) be used in high level soccer (er, futbol) tournaments like the Euro-Cup, or WC, etc. Maybe have a 5th official "in the booth" that can help the center-ref get it right on certain circumstances...like an obvious handball in the penalty box...or an obvious "offsides". The IR would only be available for the refs...no red flag like the NFL. I've told my wife that I don't think this will happen because socc...er, futbol is like baseball...lots of tradition, and very much a subjective sport. Like umps...each one has a different idea where the strike-zone is. However, baseball does use IR for fair/foul balls, homeruns, etc...maybe s...er, futbol could have a very limited use of IR too, like baseball.

5. If soccer is such a popular sport here in the USA at the youth levels, and its growing more at the adult levels, why has it not really caught on at the professional level? I suspect the main reason is commercials! All other popular USA sports are packed w/TV commercials (aka money)...however, there's no commercial breaks in soccer except during half-time...if there are few opportunities for commercials, then there's not a lot of money dedicated in ad budgets, thus, soccer remains a "grass-root" kind of sport.

6. Some day, mark my word, goalkeeper gloves in soccer will become the craze in football. The moment some big NFL star receiver starts wearing them it will catch on with other NFL receivers, then every receiver will be wearing them...college, high school, Pop Warner...you just wait and see. The same thing happened in the NFL with kicking field goals and kick offs. It used to be that every kicker would kick the ball with his toe...then the sidewinder-soccer style kicker came on the seen...at first just a few, then more...now all kickers at all levels kick "soccer-style"...no one toe-pokes anymore.

7. Finally, someone once said that soccer is a gentlemen's sport played by gentlemen, American football is a "animal's" game played by gentlemen, and rugby is an "animal's" game played by "animals"...sure hope our USA "gentlemen" do well!
GO USA!
Cheers (that's how soccer players say goodbye)
Mario Cozzi

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First of all, thanks for writing in; I love being able to dissect the many aspects of sports, and it’s so much fun to get a good discussion going. I have a few thoughts in response to your thoughts, so let’s get right to it.

1. I wondered about the language barrier as well, and I’ve heard it referenced a few times in the tournament thus far. I know that when Brazil played Portugal in the group stage, they had referees from Mexico, and the announcers made a comment about being able to communicate a little more easily since Portuguese and Spanish are similar languages.
I have to imagine that the common language for most matches is English, especially when you have teams from different parts of the world with officials from an altogether different area, like when Japan faced Cameroon with referees from Portugal. Sometimes, especially in matches with European teams, you could find a different common language, like French or German, but most of the time I would bet that the middle ground of language is English.
There was also the story going into the USA vs. England match at the beginning of group play, which focused on the referees (from Brazil) taking a crash course on English (or rather, British) slang so that they would know what words were considered profane.
Otherwise, I’ve noticed a lot of gesturing and other basic forms of body language, including the ever-popular “that’s enough” movement of hands from the referees. However they do it, they seem to get the point across. Unless the game involves Koman Coulibaly (more on that later).

2. Unfortunately, the vuvuzelas have already made an impact on American sports. The Florida Marlins had a vuvuzela night on June 19, and a quick online search for “Marlins vuvuzela” brings up links to at least a dozen pages featuring very negative responses to the giveaway. And they only handed out 15,000 of the plastic horns; imagine if the whole stadium of more than 23,000 had been honking throughout the game.
My initial reaction (and sincerest hope) is that the vuvuzela will quickly go the way of the Rally Monkey, the Thunder Stix, and the Snuggie.

3. Most people probably wonder why the sport is “soccer” to us in the USA and “football” (or the equivalent) to everyone else in the world.
I got together with Valley Center soccer guru Ron Norris in the summer of 2008 to discuss the European Cup tournament, and one of the things he mentioned was how the name of American football came about.
He said that football (soccer) was already a popular sport, but when the game started to morph into rugby, that sport became known as “rugby football.” When the game came to America and the rules were modified, the “rugby” part was dropped (because rugby was now its own established sport) and the football was left.
I dug a little deeper (ie, searched Google for “origins of soccer”) and discovered that soccer and rugby officially split in 1863, when a meeting was held in England to decide on the official rules of the game. Those who wanted to be able to carry the ball and play with full contact went with the rugby association, while those who favored the more traditional style stuck with the football association.
Interestingly enough, the term “soccer” also comes from England, as a nickname for football. When the sport began to form associations, the English would abbreviate it as “assoc.” and the nickname “soccer football” was applied to association football. The English are known for creating shortened versions of words for amusement, such as “ruggers” for rugby, “brekkers” for breakfast, and “ciggy” for cigarette.
When soccer started gaining popularity in America, we already had a sport called football, so our national soccer federation went by the name “United States Soccer Football Association” for about 30 years before they just dropped the “football” part and stuck with “soccer.”
So basically, we’re left with a nickname for association as the name for a sport in which you use your foot to kick a ball. And on the other side, we’re left with a sport that split twice, yet kept its original name after the second split, even though it was a completely different sport. And even though it would make so much sense to switch the names, there is far too much advertising invested in both sports to make it realistic.

4. The point you brought up about instant replay is the one that got me fired up the most, especially after the first few games in the round of 16.
For those of you who didn’t see either of the World Cup games on Sunday, there was a no-goal that should have counted and a goal that should have been disallowed, both clearly proven by instant replay, and both having a dramatic impact on their respective contests.
The goal that should have counted came off the foot of England midfielder Frank Lampard, who lobbed a volley over the head of German goalkeeper Manuel Neuer that hit the lower half of the crossbar, hit the ground at least a yard past the goal line, then bounced back outside the goal. Lampard and a few of the English players started to celebrate, but none of the officials stopped the action as Neuer sent the ball back down the field. Every angle of the replay showed the ball was clearly over the line, but the officials were all so far away from the goal that none of them saw what happened. England had just scored a goal a minute earlier to make the score 2-1 in favor of Germany, so if the goal had counted, as it should have, the game would have been tied. Germany went on to win 4-1, but the outcome might have been much different had the score been tied at two.
The goal that shouldn’t have counted came in the match between Argentina and Mexico. About midway through the first half, Argentina striker Lionel Messi sent a lovely pass through the Mexican defense to forward Carlos Tevez, who took a quick shot at keeper Oscar Perez. Perez made the save, and the ball ricocheted back to Messi, who sent the ball back toward the goal. Tevez tapped the ball into the net for the game’s first goal. However, replay showed that when Messi sent the ball back into Tevez after the save, Tevez was at least two yards behind the last Mexican defender, which should have been called offside. The goal was initially counted, but the head official went over to talk to the assistant on the sideline, presumably to ask if Tevez was offside. Both teams crowded around the officials and offered their opinions during this little chat, but it did not change the outcome. Argentina went on to win 3-1, but once again, the game might have played out differently had the early goal been properly disallowed.
FIFA is notorious for resisting technology, saying that any technological changes would not be universal throughout the various levels of the sport. Obviously this is not a problem for the other major sports in the world, and some have even pointed out that the FIFA officials all wear microphone headsets to be able to communicate with each other, and that this isn’t universal throughout the sport.
To me, it really wouldn’t be hard to institute instant replay for the big matches; international tournaments bring in enough money to make it easily viable, and it wouldn’t have to take much time at all. They have a fourth official on the sideline who can help the head referee make decisions. Have a replay monitor right there for the guy, give him 30 seconds to watch the replay and make a decision, and clean up the really egregious errors.
But if technology is really the issue, then at least put more officials on the field for the big games. Put a guy by each goal. Put one more guy on each sideline. Put a guy on each corner. Just put more officials out there. In the Major League Baseball regular season, a crew of umpires consists of four. When it comes time for the World Series, the size of the crew goes up to six, as they add one more umpire down each outfield line. How hard would it be to add two more officials for World Cup games, one by each goal? You have to think that both blown calls on Sunday would have been overruled by an official standing right by the goal. If you’re going to resist the answer that gives the most clear result, at least provide a compromise of more pairs of eyes to make the best call possible.

5. Going back to the topic of advertising, I think you’re right on with your supposition that it affects the popularity of the sport here in America.
But honestly, I think the biggest reason why soccer isn’t as popular here is because it is distinctly un-American. We didn’t invent it, we didn’t perfect it, we’re not really even that good at it. To make things worse, the English are the ones who made it into what it is today, and there will always be something about American culture that resists things that come from across the pond. I mean, they drink tea, so we drink coffee; they play cricket, so we play baseball; they have a parliament, so we have a congress. Of course we’re not going to go all ga-ga for soccer, we have our own version, and it’s much louder, nastier, and so very American.
We are starting to see the fruits of the American youth soccer explosion of the late 80s/early 90s, as the kids who were shuffled off to soccer practice every summer are now old enough to compete at the international level. Guys like Clint Dempsey, Jozy Altidore, Michael Bradley and Maurice Edu were all growing up in the late 80s/early 90s, and the talent level inherent in playing a sport all of your life is starting to show up more and more as those numbers from the soccer boom sort out into some really talented American players.
Still though, soccer will always have a distinctly foreign feel, just from the characteristics of the sport. The clock doesn’t count down to zeroes, it counts up to 90. The game doesn’t end with a loud buzzer, it just kind of peters out when the referee decides that enough time has been allowed for stoppages. The game just keeps going, even when a player goes down. The strategy is much more patient; there aren’t nearly as many opportunities for one player to “put his team on his back” and carry them to a win. You have to let the play develop; you can’t force the issue. None of these characteristics are very fan-friendly, especially to American fans who are used to the NFL, where you get time between plays, you get a definitive clock, and you get athletes who can carry the game.
Since soccer isn’t going to change its very fundamental being, there really doesn’t seem to be much hope of it catching on in America the way other sports have.

6. Speaking of catching on, I wonder if your prediction about goalie gloves will ever come true. American football players generally have a thing about looking cool when they’re playing, so it would take a high-profile receiver (Chad Ochocinco, anyone?) to make the attempt. I love the spongy feel of goalie gloves, and they probably would help receivers hang onto a football a little better. I remember back when quarterback Doug Flutie played for the Buffalo Bills, and as a way to keep a better grip on the ball during the cold winter months, he found a pair of glass-cutter’s gloves that he wore with apparent success. They were rather large and a bit unorthodox, but they seemed to work for him.
But, as I’ve seen exemplified in a national sportswriter’s column about the World Cup, the general consensus about keeper gloves seems to be that they make your hands look like giant Twinkies. If a wide receiver ever does give them a try, however, I’ll remember your prediction and I’m curious to see if it will become a trend.

7. I just want to point out that Mario wrote his response before the USA was eliminated from the World Cup, so hopefully we can all understand his optimistic patriotism. Either that, or he’s just really looking forward to 2014, when the World Cup rolls into Brazil. If that is the case, then go USA!
And if anyone else out there has anything to add, or wants to take us to task on anything we’ve discussed, please send us your thoughts to sports@valleycenter.com and we’ll get more people in on the discussion.

Five Things To Love About The World Cup

2010-07-08T02:11:00.000-07:00

Two years ago, it was the European Cup.
Last year, it was the Confederations Cup.
This summer, soccer’s biggest event is all the rage, and you’d better believe that I’m right there in the middle of it once again.
You may or may not remember (if you don’t, it’s OK) that I never used to be a soccer fan. I was one of those “typical” Americans who believed that if you can’t use your hands, it isn’t a real sport. Granted, I was also once a fan of the WWF (before it became the WWE) and considered that to be a real sport. But that was back before Hulk Hogan became a parody of himself.
Anyway, somewhere along the way, I started becoming interested in soccer. I think it stemmed from an invitation to play goalie for an indoor soccer team with some friends I met when I moved out here to Valley Center. I had never played soccer before, but I used to play goalie when the kids from my church youth group back home would play floor hockey, so I figured it was pretty much the same thing.
Turns out it was a lot of fun, and the more I saw how exciting soccer is, the more I wanted to see the high-quality, professional version.
And it doesn’t get much better than international soccer, where players are playing for more than just a ridiculous paycheck.
The past two summers have featured some outstanding soccer, from Spain’s big win in the Euro Cup to the thrilling run the USA had in the Confederations Cup last year. When the weather started to warm up this spring, I had June 11 circled on my calendar and I was devouring everything I could find to read about the tournament.
Thus far, the World Cup has fulfilled all my hopes and more. I’m far too lazy – er, busy – to get up at 4 a.m. to watch the matches as they happen, but thanks to the magic of digital video recording (DVR), I’ve been able to watch all but a few of the matches. I’m sure that some people care about matches like Serbia vs. Ghana, but I tend to like watching matches that involve at least some degree of interest.
With one more match for each team in the group stage left to play, I’ve started to appreciate some of the really great aspects of the tournament, while also lamenting some of the downfalls.
Here is a list of my five favorite and least favorite things about the 2010 World Cup so far.
Favorites
1. Patriotism
Like I said, it’s one thing to watch an athlete play a game to earn a bloated salary. Elite athletes are elite regardless of what they’re playing for, but there is a little extra something when a team of individual talents comes together to represent their country together. You see a little bit more heart, a little bit more emotion, a little bit more hustle, and just a little bit more exuberance. I guarantee that every one of the players in this tournament has thought about what it means to represent his country on the field, and it shows in how they play.
And while the focus on national pride brings out a spirit of friendly competition, the tournament can also help bridge a gap that can be otherwise un-bridgeable. The fact that North Korea has a team in the World Cup is a testament to the breaking of barriers that a tournament like this can accomplish. There was a lot of mystery surrounding the North Korean team heading into the tournament, from their players to their tactics to even their uniforms.
But when they’re on the field, they’re just like all the other players. They run, they pass, the fall down at the slightest bit of contact (spoiler alert for my least favorite section), and they look like they’re having fun. Well, except during that 7-0 drubbing that Portugal handed them. Something tells me that I don’t want to ride any subways or visit any tall buildings in Portugal for a while.
See though, that’s what is so great about this tournament – even though there is a very real tension between North Korea and… well, pretty much everyone, the World Cup is a way to help us all see that they are real people. Even if their leader (reportedly) has a secret communication link to the coach so he can talk to him during the games, the players are out there for the same reason as all the other players: to represent their country by playing a game they love.
2. The British commentary
My wife likes to tease me for thinking that I’m English, which I like to encourage by telling her that I consider myself to be English. In reality, my ancestry is English, but I really enjoy the mannerisms, and especially the witticisms, of our neighbors across the pond.
Whether we’re hearing from Martin Tyler, Derek Rae, Adrian Healey, Ian Darke, Efan Ekoku, or Ally McCoist, it’s just fantastic to hear their descriptions of even the most mundane on-field (or on-pitch) activities.
In the last two summers, I’ve noticed that English commentators refer to a country in the plural, as in, “England are attacking with a purpose tonight,” or something along those lines. There are lots of other terms specific to the sport, such as “pitch” instead of “field,” or “boot” instead of “shoe,” or “good ball” instead of “nice pass.”
But the one phrase I’ve been especially excited about this year is the way the commentators talk about a team that is creating some opportunities on offense. You’ll see a player bring the ball up the field and start to make headway, and the commentators will say that the player is “asking all sorts of questions of the defense.” I don’t know why it’s so fantastic, but I love the way they say it. Honestly, a person with a British accent can make just about anything sound cool, but these guys take it to a whole new level.
Another fun thing about international soccer is the informal nicknames given to the teams.
Among the many nicknames out there, the English are known as The Three Lions (because of the three lions on their crest), the French are known as Les Blues (because they wear blue jerseys – leave it to the French to come up with something so clever), the South Africans are known as Bafana Bafana (The Boys, a term of endearment in Swahili), and the Australians are known as The Socceroos. American sports teams have names, some nostalgic but most often fueled by marketing purposes. But there’s something about a name originating with the fans that adds a connection to the team that goes just a little deeper. It’s like when you get to know why your friend John is called Turtle by all his other friends. For the record, I’m pretty sure it’s because he really loves those little chocolates with the caramel and pecans.
3. The flair
Everybody’s got their own set of fashion rules these days, and the players in the World Cup are definitely not an exception.
From frosted tips to bleached braids to a collection of faux-hawks that stretches farther than the eye can see, the players inject their own flair into the proceedings.
But even more impressive than the individual styles are the fantastic uniforms (aka “kits”) worn in the tournament.
From the classic whites worn by the English to the light-blue-on-white vertical stripes of Argentina, to the trademark orange of the Dutch, to the mint-crème green of the Algerians (aka The Desert Foxes), so many of the jerseys this year are fabulous. Some teams even have a watermark-esque design on the shoulders, as seen in the form of a fox on the Algerian jersey, or an elephant on the jersey of the Ivory Coast.
Granted, there are some aberrations, like the beauty-queen-ish sash look on the blue USA jerseys or the cartoonish bright-red-on-bright-blue look the Spanish are showing us this time around.
But overall, most of the kits in this tournament are fun to see, and I think it adds another dimension to the proceedings.
4. The French are awful
I admit it. When I saw that French striker Nicolas Anelka got sent home for a “profanity-laced tirade” against his coach, the soon-to-be-dismissed Raymond Domenech, I chuckled. Then, when the rest of the French squad refused to practice because of the dismissal, I wondered who was sharpening up the guillotines.
France have yet to score a goal in the tournament, and they look old on the pitch. They made us suffer through a scoreless tie against Uruguay on the first day of the tournament, then gave all of Mexico another excuse to throw a party after a 2-0 loss to the Mexicans. The team is in disarray, the coach bases his lineup around the signs of the zodiac (I’m not making that up), and when you do a Google search for their best player, the top three suggested searches are Franck Ribery scandal, Franck Ribery scar, and Franck Ribery prostitute. None of that can lead to anything good.
5. Underdogs
Nothing makes sports more fun to watch than the fact that, as commentators have often said, the games aren’t played on paper.
Whether it’s the 1-1 tie between USA and England, or the 1-0 win for Switzerland over European champion Spain, or the 1-0 win for Serbia over a German team that was coming off a four-goal romp over the Socceroos.
Big-name players are getting lost in the shuffle of unlikely heroes, from Tshabalala for South Africa to Gabriel Heinze for Argentina to keeper Diego Benaglio of Switzerland.
Goals are at a premium, perhaps in part due to the new Jabulani ball that the players disparage so much, but the quality of play looks good so far, and for the fans who enjoy good soccer, it looks like there is plenty more to be had.
Next week, we’ll discuss some of the things I’m not so fond of in the World Cup, which may or may not contain a reference to Tim Donaghy. Stay tuned!
And if you have any thoughts of your own about the World Cup, drop me a line at sports@valleycenter.com and let me know what you think. I’ll even put the good responses in next week’s issue of The Roadrunner.
Unless you write in French, in which case you should just give up. Like the rest of the French.

I'm A Member Of The Intelligentsia

2010-04-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

Since my last blog got taken down for some reason, I went ahead and used my considerable genius to create a better one.

If you want to see just a tiny glimpse into the world of the intelligentsia, be sure to check out the blog page: http://membersoftheintelligentsia.blogspot.com/

It is my aim to bring you tidbits from the mind, life and times of a card-carrying (well, we don't actually have cards, mostly because we want to keep our existence a secret from all you "middle-of-the-curve" people out there) member of the intelligentsia.

I think we'll all have a lot of fun. And we may even learn something. Well, you probably will. I kind of know pretty much everything.

: )

The Bourne Zone

2010-04-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

(March 11, 2010)

I'm going to see Green Zone, starring Matt Damon, on Friday to review it with Chris Schnese for The Spoiler Warning podcast.

Before I do though, I thought I'd share my thoughts going in so that you can read them, then listen to the podcast, to see if I was right or if the movie ended up being different than I thought it would be.

Basically, this movie looks like another entry in the Bourne series, only Matt Damon is playing some dude name Roy or something. I'm basically expecting some kind of government agency doing something covert, needed Matt Damon to do some crazy stuff to make the covert operation happen, then some gun battles will happen, maybe some running, probably some kind of vehicular chase, then the mission will get done and we will all have learned a little something about ourselves.

Here's the thing: I've never really been a fan of Damon as an action star. He looks kind of soft, like he's just one little emotional turn away from bursting into tears. And I really like him in comedy roles, like as one of a set of conjoined twins in Stuck On You with Greg Kinnear. He doesn't have that intense quality like Harrison Ford, Bruce Willis, Brad Pitt, Daniel Craig, or even Leonardo DiCaprio have in those roles. To me, it's kind of like putting Ed Helms (Andy Bernard from The Office) in an action role. Sure, he could deliver the lines and not screw up the scenes, but it would just feel weird the whole time.

Speaking of The Office, I'm glad to see that the actress who played Michael Scott's girlfriend Holly land a leading role in a movie. Good for her. I just wonder if she called up Chris Cooper to get some pointers on how to play the role of the government person working just above Jason Bou--er--this Roy dude.

Still though, this movie could end up being pretty good. I bet it will have a good enough plot to keep it interesting, the action will be intense, and I'm sure it will get the blood pumping just a little bit.

So...stay tuned for a link to The Spoiler Warning sometime this weekend to see what I think after I see it...

Stuff I'm Doing

2010-04-24T17:52:00.000-07:00

(from March 11, 2010)

So, I haven't updated my blog lately...and I thought I'd share with you a few reasons why:

1. I haven't really had anything interesting to say.

2. I'm getting married in May.

3. I write for a living, so I don't really think about writing more when I'm done with work.

4. I got to watching this one episode of Futurama, and...well...just sort of lost track of time.

5. I've been cleaning my apartment. It needed it.

6. I was briefly brainwashed by an internet-hating sect of the Whig party. I'm ok now though.

7. I was mauled by a pack of wallabies. I barely escaped with my life.

8. I needed to run out and get some Old Spice body wash so I don't smell like a lady.

9. I need to keep my NFL draft board updated...hourly.

10. Cooper Lanting told me I needed to spend more time reading books about unicorns.

11. I've been trying to prevent congress from passing the health care bill. Mostly by telling senator Jim Bunning to act like a d-bag. It's been working ok.

12. I won a free tour of this magical chocolate factory. I barely escaped with my life.

13. Tiger Woods keeps calling me and telling me to delete his name from my phone.

14. I'm kind of sleepy.

15. I have to get ready for the Miss Valley Center pageant. I'm going to win the crown this year for sure.

16. I had a hangnail. I barely escaped with my life.

17. I was running free with the coyotes, earning their trust and learning their ways, ascending to the head of the pack, then getting overconfident and finally being overthrown by a younger, more popular coyote...and eventually coming full circle, learning that my pride was my downfall, and becoming an accepted, contributing member of coyote society once again.

18. Um...I was watching the Olympics? Ha ha...just kidding...nobody watches the Olympics anymore.

19. I was getting my tires rotated.

20. My fingers got cold.

21. I had some overdue books to take back to the library. I barely escaped with my life.

22. I'm quitting smoking...crack. Ha ha...just kidding...nobody smokes crack anymore. I prefer heroin.

23. I was in the shower.

24. I've been leaving behind a carefully selected series of objects for future societies to discover so that they will be able to accurately piece together a working model of what life is like in the year 1985.

25. I'm bored.

All of that to say...sorry I haven't written in a while. I'm going to try to write more about the movies I see for The Spoiler Warning podcast with Chris Schnese...so check in from time to time if you're interested. Thanks!

Fantastic Mr. Kidder

2010-04-24T17:51:00.000-07:00

I'm back!

Finally!

And I reviewed a movie with Christopher Schnese for The Spoiler Warning!

We reviewed Fantastic Mr. Fox this time around, and we both had a really great time. I especially enjoyed the trailers for this movie, which included Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakuel and The Tooth Fairy, both of which look absolutely epic.

Listen to the full podcast here: http://bit.ly/6c82Rc

Need A Mom? Kleenex Wants The Job, Apparently

2010-04-24T17:50:00.001-07:00

(from October 3, 2009)

I love America.

No matter what the newstalk shows lament about our country, we live in freedom, we have a wealth beyond what most other countries can imagine, and we truly have the best opportunities to pursue life, liberty, and happiness.

And we can also have a web site for tissues be our mom.

I just saw a commercial for it on TV, and I had to check it out.

www.getmommed.com

Apparently, the idea is to choose one of the eight moms to help you get through cold and flu season. That seems reasonable...? I really had no idea how to respond to the commercial.

So I went to the site. Sure enough, there are eight moms, all awkwardly cyber-waiting in a weird white room in uncomfortable positions that are supposed to look natural and casual I guess. When you roll the mouse pointer over each one, they give you a little greeting...and if you don't do anything, they start talking to you randomly. It's a little weird, to be honest.

But then you start clicking on them...and it's like being in a candy store, only full of moms. Always wanted an Hispanic mom to share her family secrets? Ana Maria is your mom. Love biscuits and down-home Southern hospitality? Magnolia has a pie waiting for you. Wish your mom was cool and one of your best friends? Jessica is sitting casually on the floor, as young people often do, ready to hang out and talk about texting, the Jonas Brothers, or that cute pair of shoes. They all look so...so...sweet. It's hard to choose...

But once you do make your selection (feeling bad for the poor neglected moms you leave behind, if you're anything like me), your new mom has a whole bunch of things she wants to do for you. She offers to wake you up, tell you the weather, remind you of important dates/events, tell you a bedtime story, and even wish you a happy birthday. That sounds ok...until you see that you can register your phone...and she'll call you to leave a voice message for each of the nine options. Let that sink in: your fake website mom will call you to wish you a happy birthday. I can't tell if that's ridiculously awesome, or hopelessly sad. It seems like it's a good portion of both.

I should probably explain that I have a wonderful mom, with whom I spoke even today, and she loves me very much, and I love her. But that didn't stop me from signing up for an internet mom as quickly as I could type. I haven't decided on all the particulars yet, but my internet mom can get in touch with me by calling me, texting me, or even posting things on my facebook page. Not only is she charming and witty, but she's so current with all the latest trends and technology! How is this not awesome?!?

For the record, I went with Jessica, the cool mom who wants to be my BFF, knows all about how to stay healthy while still having an active social life, and offers to "be there with some take0ut and a box of Kleenex!" whenever I get sick. I may choose a different mom sometimes; there are days when it's just nice to have a quasi-Jewish mom with big glasses tell me all about how she likes doing laundry. Other days...not so much.

Either way...I found the whole experience very other-worldly, and if you get a chance to check it out...let me know what you think.

And if nothing else, you might get a little self-confidence boost.

It's actually one of the things your new internet mom offers. Really.

How To Win Your Fantasy Football League

2010-04-24T17:49:00.000-07:00

You’ve studied the players. You watched all the preseason games. You drafted your team with the latest projections at your side.
You are ready for fantasy football.
But now that the season’s started, what’s next?
Fortunately, there are five easy things you, the fantasy football owner, can do to virtually ensure your squad a spot in the post-season, and all but lock up the championship trophy.

1. Watch as many games as you can
There are at least four games on every week, plus highlights. Later in the season, they add a Thursday game and eventually some Saturday games. All told, you should be spending a minimum of 15 hours, highlights included, engrossed in NFL action per week.
Quick disclaimer before we continue: some of these suggestions may make you think, “How can I expect to live my life and still win my fantasy football league?” Just to clear up any confusion – you can’t have both. So if you want to win, start telling the people around you that you’re essentially unavailable from now until February. And if this is a problem for you, well then… perhaps you should rethink your priorities.
Watching NFL games is key from a fantasy perspective because it gives you information that your opponents may not get. If you’re watching the Chargers and you notice that Philip Rivers is looking in Malcolm Floyd’s direction in the red zone, then you might consider picking Floyd up and seeing what happens. If you’re watching the Seahawks and start seeing Edgerrin James in the backfield more and more, he might be worth a waiver claim.
Watching the games to see who’s on the field means you’re going to know who has the best possibility to score points. And scoring points is what wins match-ups, and winning match-ups is what gets you the trophy.

2. Don’t fall for the fluke
Every season, especially in the first few weeks, there are some big days from guys nobody’s ever heard of. Last year, there was a rush to pick up Carolina tight end Dante Rosario after he hauled in seven catches for 96 yards and an exciting, game-winning touchdown. Sadly, for the owner who “won” the right to pick him up, he was a disappointment for the rest of the season, and currently is average at best.
Already this season we’ve seen big days from the likes of Robert Meachem, Louis Murphy, Laurent Robinson, and Reggie Barrington. And just so you know, I totally made up one of those names, and if you can’t tell which one is fake… Well then you’re not alone, because, by the end of the season, it’s almost entirely certain that these names will all sound made up.
The point is, the guys you want on your roster are the guys who are going to be consistent. Don’t fall for the fluke of the big week from a no-name player. That’s why you’re watching all those games in the first place, to see who gets the ball consistently, and who is just lucky for one week.

3. Don’t be afraid to talk a little smack
Fantasy football can be tough on the psyche. You can plan, you can project, you can devour everything the “experts” say, and your team can still put up a collective stinker. It’s happened to every one of us.
And there is no better time to get in somebody’s head than when they’re questioning everything they do.
Now, I’m not a proponent of kicking somebody when they’re down, at least not in real life, so please pay attention to the specifics of how this is done.
Whether you know the other owners in your league or not, I feel like there should always be a degree of decorum displayed in the essential area of talking smack. Nobody likes that guy (or girl) who posts threads littered with f-bombs and references to everyone else’s mothers. So please, don’t be that guy (or girl).
Instead, be clever with your smack talk. It’s OK to get a little personal, but always keep it within the context of the league. For example, making fun of another owner for starting Jake Delhomme against the Eagles is perfectly acceptable. Making fun of this owner’s personal life in any way is not. A subtle difference, but crucial. A handy tip to remember is to address the owner using the name of his or her team, not their actual name. For example, it’s good to say, “Boy, the Sudan Sandstorm better not be counting on David Garrard to carry his team this year – ouch!” But it’s not really acceptable to say, “Nate Kidder sucks for starting David Garrard! What a pathetic loser!” I hope this example helps.
Another thing to remember is to always project a sense of superiority, whether you feel it or not. Don’t be crass or obnoxious, but feel free to casually mention how well your players are doing when they have a big week. Or if you picked up a sleeper late in the draft, make remarks about all the players drafted ahead of this guy and how he’s outscoring them all.
The smack talk is a great part of the game, so use it, be clever with it, have fun, and make the most of any advantage you can get. If you do it right, you’ll see some other owners making panic decisions, like dropping Clinton Portis after a down week, or uttering the phrase, “I really think this is going to be a big year for Mike Furrey!”

4. Don’t give up!
It’s really, really easy to get four or five weeks into the season, look at your 2-3 record, and think, “This is stupid, I quit.” But the fantasy season is typically 13 weeks long, and, depending on how your league is set up, most of the teams make the playoffs. You can post a so-so 7-6 record and wind up in the middle of the post-season madness. If you’re patient with your waiver-wire pickups and make a point of hanging on to consistent players through their injuries, your team can go from average to spectacular in no time at all.
All you have to do in the regular season is stay in the playoff hunt. Once the post-season starts, it’s anybody’s trophy to win.

5. Get lucky
Buy a rabbit’s foot. Find a four-leaf clover. Rub a bald guy’s head. Whatever you think is going to bring fortune your way, keep it handy.
Because you can play fantasy football for years and still never expect Ronnie Brown to score five touchdowns against the Patriots in Foxboro Stadium, or Peyton Manning to throw six interceptions against the Chargers, or backup quarterback Tyler Thigpen to catch a 31-yard touchdown reception against the Buccaneers. Sometimes, fantasy football is just blind, stupid, random, cross-eyed luck. Just go with the flow, and hope you get to be on the receiving end of one of those crazy days.
And whatever you do, have fun with your fantasy team. It’s so much fun to be in a league with other owners who give it just the right amount of seriousness. If you’re having fun, it’ll be worth your while. And if it’s worth your while, then winning that trophy will be that much more special.

Movies With One-Word Titles

2010-04-24T17:48:00.000-07:00

(from September 10, 2009)

So I took a long-overdue trip to the local theater this evening, and pulled off the double feature for the first time in a while, and it was a good time, as it usually is. Here are a few thoughts on what I saw:

1. Gamer

This was a good action movie. I really like Gerard Butler in movies when he's not a total pansy, and this role fits that description to a T. Because I feel like it, let's break it down thusly:

The Good: Action, action and more action. If you like things getting blown up, blood splattering around, guns and bombs going off, and lots of people yelling, then this movie will rock your world. For the actual nerds...er...gamers out there, you'll appreciate a few things, including a convict tea-bagging a guy he just blew away, the layout specs of the game system in the gamer's room, and the specific details of showing that the guns only become active within the game zone. It's put together really well, the visuals are pretty spectacular (I especially like when they show the gamer's view trailing the convict through the battle...very gamelike and cool). There is also an interesting subplot featuring a Sims-esque game called "Society" that...well, it's basically the Sims, only gamers control actual people. The sad truth is that they show pretty much exactly what that would look like, right down to the extremely fat guy (in a power chair!) playing as a hot chick and trying to get laid all the time. It was pretty disturbing...and somehow probably really accurate. Eesh.

The Bad: The plot wasn't all that great; I mean, we've seen enough "random smart rich guy finds a way to enslave humanity through something popular that everybody should object to on moral reasons but doesn't because of our faults as a species" movies to...well...there are a few of them out there, anyway. The acting wasn't the best either; Butler is a freaking beast, which is cool, but his accent kind of comes and goes. The main bad guy isn't all that scary; he has a weird southern-ish accent and is vaguely creepy, but not as much as I would have liked in order to hate him appropriately. They really didn't explore the "Humanz" group as much as they could have, either...we don't really know where they came from or why the exist so much, but we do see them playing old-school games like Metroid and air hockey. Which may be why they exist.

The Ugly: Kyra Sedgewick. Do not want.

You Should: Go see it if you like action movies and video games, and video game tea-bagging, but probably pass if you're looking for something that won't leave you kind of grossed out and a little bit sad afterward.

2. Extract

I may or may not have seen this movie just to have an excuse to post a picture of Mila Kunis here. But knowing that it's a Mike Judge (creator of Beavis & Butthead, as well as Office Space) movie, I expected pretty great things. I was not disappointed.

The Good: EVERYTHING! OK, I'm exaggerating...but only a little. This was a really, really funny movie, especially if you like movies with those little awkward moments and understated humor. Jason Bateman is fantastic, and the old formula for comedy (take a nice, genuine, regular guy and just eff with him for two hours) works so, so well. Apparently Mila Kunis is not just unbelieveably gorgeous, but actually a really good actress as well (after her work on That 70s Show...who would have known?). Of course, she is a girl, so it's not hard to believe that she's naturally good at being a) deceptive, b) conniving, c) a thief, and d) really good at crying/flirting to get out of/into whatever she wants. Ben Affleck is genuinely funny, the supporting cast does a great job of recreating that factory-type work environment, and I really, really enjoy Kristen Wiig. She tends to play the same character in everything she's in, but it works for her. She's kind of smart, sarcastic, a little bit standoffish, and still kind of cute, but in the kind of way that you hate her for it. She does a great job playing the wife that just turns the screws (not literally...which is kind of the root of the problem for Bateman's character) with her poor husband. There is a gigolo named Brad -- a pretty fun addition to the adventure -- and you have to love a good Hal Sparks/Nick Thune cameo right off the bat. If you don't know who Nick Thune is...well then...enjoy this clip, called Phone Tag.

The Bad: It's a little dirty; they talk about balls and drugs and things, so it's not really for the kids out there. It kind of unravels a little bit toward the end; the comedy isn't as sharp and the characters start to be less funny and more...sad, kind of. It's still funny, but they probably could have cut a couple scenes just to move things along and keep it light. And there really weren't enough scenes with Kunis.

You Should: Go see it immediately. Take a date (unless he/she is really easily offended by shoplifting, testicle talk, drug references, or veiled racism) and have fun laughing at how the main character's life comes crumbling down around him. If you liked Office Space (and I haven't met someone who has seen it and didn't), you should enjoy this movie.

Something else happened at the theater that I think you should all know about. I saw the trailer for the movie Legion, and I think my soul melted. There is not enough money in the world to get me to go see this movie, or watch the trailer ever again. Three words: creepy demon grandma. SOOOOOOOO not cool. Ugh. I'm going to go watch seven hours of baby kittens falling asleep videos to calm down.

I'm Back, Baby!

2010-04-24T17:46:00.000-07:00

(from September 1, 2009)

Sorry...I haven't written anything in forever. No excuse...it's just really hot in my apartment, and I've had a lot of writing to do for work, and...those are excuses. I apologize.

I only have a few quick thoughts tonight, so we'll jump right in...

1. I'm going to make a decision...I'm making a decision...decision made. I've made up my mind -- I think -- and I have decided that Inglorious Basterds is a good movie. Not great...good. I'll let you Tarantino fans get over yourselves for a second...there we go. The thing is, I'm noticing that a lot of movies fall into this category: they're so close to being really, really good, but they end up being...lackluster. Public Enemies was like that, Basterds was like that, and District 9 was like that (more on this in a second). Basterds did what it advertised; it gave us a WWII movie directed by Quentin Tarantino. It was fun enough, kooky enough, and had some classic moments, as well as a few classic lines ("Since this seems to be the end, mind if I go out speaking the king's?"). I might see it again...I might not...either way, it wouldn't really matter. That, I suppose, is the definition of underwhelming.

2. District 9, on the other hand, wasn't underwhelming as much as it was overhyped. I usually avoid things that everybody's raving about, mostly because public opinion is kind of like the "ask the audience" lifeline from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (remember that show? Regis!) -- everybody agrees on things that are obvious. And the more people agree about obvious things, the more people jump on the bandwagon, until it just gets annoying. If the old saying that misery loves company is true, then I'd be willing to also say that stupidity loves company. Either way...there's lots of company to be had. Back to D9; it was a very original movie, and probably would have been much more enjoyable had it not been for everybody and their mother (and I did have actual mothers tell me about it) gushing about how amazing and life-changing this movie is. For the record, I enjoyed the movie very much, although the company with whom I watched it proved to be a bit...distracting...in a good way, but still. I'll probably watch it again and give more complete thoughts. One thing I loved was that the main character's name is "Wikus." And I also said the word "man" on the end of sentences for the rest of the night. As in, "come over here and take a look at this, man" like they do in that South African/Dutch accent. Classic.

3. If you are a hippie, or know a hippie, or are really into hippie culture, I bet you'll like Taking Woodstock. It's not overtly funny, it's not very dramatic, it's not all that inspiring, and it's not like an actual historical biopic or anything. It's kind of like hippies...not unpleasant, not very active, vaguely cerebral, and full of funny little awkward moments that can make you chuckle. Demetri Martin does a great job of sucking so badly at acting that he genuinely comes across as the ill-at-ease, can't-get-out-of-his-own-w

ay, really nerdy Jewish kid. Maybe he didn't have to act much to pull that one off. But whatever he did or sucked at doing, it worked beautifully for this role. The story is just about a kid who hates living in upstate NY (as we all do/did) and more or less stumbles his way into bringing the Woodstock music festival to his neighbor's farm. Real quick, one disappointing thing was that they didn't play/show nearly enough of the music from that event; not even a fake Dylan sighting or an allusion to Hendrix...nothing. Another disappointing thing was the pushing of the gay agenda...I wasn't there, but it just seemed forced in the movie; like they felt they had to put it in because of all the other "freedom" type movements of the period. But there were two lines that I absolutely loved: a) "It's August...it's not going to rain." -- classic if you live/have lived in upstate NY. It doesn't matter what time of year it is...it's either going to snow or rain at least once every 10 days. I lived there for 25 years. It just happens. b) "Thanks Mike...you smell great...like apple fritters." -- Random and perfectly delivered by Martin after his character smokes a bit of the reefer and delivers a press conference speech that inadvertently makes the concert a free event. The dialogue seemed authentic, the visuals were pretty great (as far as the realism of the festival, the scenery, the oddly amusing use of some props, and the costumes), and it was fun. If you can handle some amusing nudity, a few f-bombs, and some gay references, go see it.

4. Fantasy Football has started...I have tips for you to help you win your league. I will put those together and post them soon.

5. Valley Center High School football has started. Be sure to read my work blog (www.ikidyounotvc.blogspot.com) to keep up with that. Also, be sure to watch ESPN this Saturday night, 7:30 pm PST, to see Washington Huskies WR James Johnson (a VCHS alum) start (as a true freshman!) against LSU. It's a big deal, and he's pretty pumped about it...so watch for the kid with jersey No. 3 and see the great football player I've been watching for the past three years.

That's about all for now...I'll be back with more soon...

Thoughts After A Second Viewing Of G.I. Joe

2010-04-24T17:45:00.000-07:00

(from August 13, 2009)

1. I have never seen a character like The Baroness in the sense that she can be so cosmically gorgeous with the dark hair and glasses, and so decidedly unattractive with the blond hair and no specs. It's almost like seeing two different people play the same role. Sienna Miller was a good choice for the role, but I would somehow be a little happier with the world if she was naturally a brunette and needed corrective lenses.

Compare this:

...with this:

...and it's no contest.

2. The row of black kids behind me really enjoyed every Marlon Wayans scene in the movie. And I mean really enjoyed. The phenomenon of Tyler Perry's House Of Payne suddenly makes more sense.

3. What exactly is Scarlett's role on the team? They make a point of mentioning her super levels of genius...which apparently exist only to help her shoot bad guys in the eye, make smart-aleck remarks, and come up with two Celtic words in a pinch. Otherwise, she sure does wear an awfully tight, extremely form-fitting battle suit.

She graduated from college at age 12...so she could wear this to work. Yay America.

4. With Heath Ledger's amazing performance as The Joker last summer, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt nailing the role of Cobra Commander this year, I'd say we should keep an eye out for anyone else from 10 Things I Hate About You turning up as a super villain next summer. I just hope we don't have to see Julia Stiles play Emma Frost or something ridiculous like that. Maybe we'll get a Gabrielle Union sighting again though...nothing wrong with that.

5. It was still a really fun movie the second time, although I guess I might have Channing Tatum at least attempt to have an emotion of some kind next time around. He did a great job as a soldier, but his dramatic lines came out like they would in a high school drama club's performance of The Music Man. It enhances the unitentional comedy of the film for sure though...so that's a bonus.

If you haven't seen it yet, do yourself a favor...go see it. You won't hate it, and you might even have a great time.

GI Joe: Fun For Fun's Sake

2010-04-24T17:43:00.002-07:00

(from August 7, 2009)

Be prepared: a lot of critics, bloggers, mainstream media mouthpieces, and in short, nerds, all over the world are going to unleash a deluge of hate on the movie G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra. It's probably already begun, as I sit here at 3 a.m. after a midnight showing of the film. Like we saw with Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, all it takes is a few geeks whining about plot holes to spark an inferno of bad press.

The thing is, G.I. Joe is a fun movie. Plain and simple. I laughed at the cheesy lines. I gawked at the crazy, over-the-top, no-way-a-human-being-can-do-that special effects. I even swooned more than once when The Baroness sashayed across the screen. Yowza, Sienna Miller with dark hair and glasses. Nerds everywhere are freaking out right now. And I might just be one of them.

Here's the thing: this movie is unbelievably unrealistic. Gravity may or may not apply in the world of "the not too distant future" where this movie is set. Physics, biochemistry, metalurgy... I'm pretty sure dweebs everywhere are already finding and bemoaning all the inaccuracies.

I'd just like to say one thing to them: who freaking cares? I don't go to an action movie to see things that could happen. If I wanted to see action that is realistic, I'd just watch my own life. (Boo yah nerds! Take that! My life has more action in one day than yours does all year! What. Up.)

*Ahem* And now back to the movie.

I like how the movie unfolded... they didn't give us all the background info on all the characters all at the same time. They used some flashbacks here and there to give us the idea, and to set up those pesky plot elements of motive and... basically, why the people we're watching are doing what they're doing. Just so you know going in, and this isn't a big spoiler because apparently it's mostly true from the cartoon series, pretty much every character is intertwined with at least one other character in some significant way. Except maybe Arnold Vosloo... but you'll just have to figure that one out for yourself.

That's another good thing about the movie: they stayed true to the cartoon/toys, but didn't push the history on you if you aren't a huge nerd and know the backstory of every obscure action figure ever made. They had a lot of recognizable characters if you had the toys as a kid (and if you have a Y chromosome, you better have had at least one): Duke, Ripcord, Heavy Duty, Hawk, Scarlett, The Baroness, Destro, and of course, Cobra Commander. Oh, and we can't leave out my favorites, Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, who really could have had their own movie and it would have been pretty great. You can walk into this movie after living in a cave for your whole life and still understand what's going on, and probably enjoy yourself. Although if I had been living in a cave my whole life, the first thing I'd want would probably be a shower and/or a toothbrush.

The point is, G.I. Joe does exactly what it's supposed to do... if you let it. It's a fun movie set in a fantastic world of crazy things like suits that make you all but invincible and hot women who are somehow awesome at fighting despite wearing high heels and gallons of eye makeup. The character development is just right -- not too shallow, not too deep. You get to know them, you start to care a little bit about them because you see their humanity, but you don't get bogged down by too much weepy stuff or have to be subject to the horrible dramatic acting of Channing Tatum (for more than a few seconds, anyway).

The story makes a reasonable amount of sense, given the nonsensical world in which it takes places, and it keeps moving with all the requisite twists and turns necessary to be interesting, but not confusing. The bad guys are sufficiently bad, and the good guys are pretty great without being sappy or goody-two-shoes.

In short, G.I. Joe is going to get a bad rap just because it's not Spiderman, or The Dark Knight, or even Watchmen. It's a shame, because G.I. Joe is fun, it's action-packed, and you may even catch a cheap laugh or two (by trying to pronounce the Celtic word they use to fire the voice-activated rockets, for example). The only thing this movie does wrong is take some liberties with the laws of science -- but isn't that why we go to movies in the first place?

So... I recommend that you go see G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra if you get the chance. It's rated PG-13, "for strong sequences of action violence and mayhem throughout." They drop the "s" word towards the end, but other than that, I honestly can't recall very much swearing. All the use of hypodermic needles isn't exactly kosher with the squeamish among us, but even that isn't the worst use of syringes we've seen this movie season (I'm looking at you, Wolverine).

Take a date, grab some popcorn, and leave your stuck-up obsession with reality at the door... and enjoy G.I. Joe. Now you know... and knowing is half the battle.

Dog Days

2010-04-24T17:43:00.001-07:00

(from August 5, 2009)

Apparently, the arrival of August in Southern California means that the earth is so positioned that this region is about 11 feet away from the surface of the sun.

I'm much more of a rainy day kind of guy anyway, so this degree of heat isn't really my preferred climate. I mean, it could definitely be worse, on both sides of the temperature spectrum, but it's hard to even be motivated to accomplish the simplest of tasks when your energy is melting away.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel: football season.

I'm starting to shift my mind back into football gear by re-familiarizing myself with the names and places of the players I'll be watching leading up to the annual fantasy football draft. Obviously, people are big on running backs like Adrian Peterson, Michael Turner and Matt Forte, while there are some guys who are flying a little bit under the radar that I'm curious about (and whose names I'm not mentioning on purpose because of all the scavengers out there looking for any scrap of information they can get). I'm going to share my thoughts on fantasy football in some greater detail later this month, so I'll refrain from anything more for the time being.

Football season also means Valley Center High School football, and I'm excited/curious to see the team this year. Beau Reilly takes over at quarterback, and after Tyler Bernard and James Johnson lit up the competition last year, it will be interesting to see how the team looks with Reilly under center. This is also the first time I'll be covering the Jaguars without Bernard and Johnson on the field, so I'm looking forward to finding out who will be the next big playmaker. Running back Stanton Upson will be the guy to watch after an amazing junior year last season, and the offensive line is almost completely intact from last year. The defense should also be solid, but without Johnson playing centerfield and picking off passes like Deion Sanders in his prime, I don't know how well the Jags will play against passing teams like Westview and Oceanside (Valley Center's only two losses last year, coincidentally).

But with still a good three or four weeks of August (and unrelenting sunshine) left before that, I suppose I'll have to content myself with softball twice a week, with G.I. Joe coming out this weekend, and wearing as little as possible in my heavily air-conditioned apartment until it's safe to go outside before 8 p.m. again.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I Present...Ladies & Gentlemen

2010-04-24T17:40:00.000-07:00

(from August 3, 2009)

(Does that say "Julia Jackson" or "Jennifer Aniston"? Or maybe "Juvenile Diabetes"?)

I bet it's hard to make it big in folk music. Mostly because hippies don't really have money, but also because most public places at least prefer (if not require) you to wear shoes of some kind.

Honestly, I kind of felt like I had been transported back to some sort of hippie commune in the 1960s, and judging from the footwear of certain band members (or lack thereof), I may not be too far off.

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Sunday night at theCanvas (yes, that's how it's spelled...for some reason), the band Ladies & Gentlemen played a little show for a good-sized group of us in San Marcos. The six-member hippie...er...folk...band consists of two vocalists (one of whom plays the steel guitar), a keyboard player, a bass/banjo player, an electric guitarist, and a drummer. I only know the keyboard player, Julia Rainbow Waterfall Jackson (see above photo of autographed forearm), so I'll just make up names for the rest: Stevey McBeardo (lead singer/steel guitar), Daisy Unicorn Flowerchild (female vocals), Long John Quickfingers (electric guitar), Ishmael Kind-Of-Looks-Like-Ben-Folds (bass), and Bob (drums). I especially like the McBeardo/Flowerchild vocal combo; they trade off the lead on different songs, and sound quite nice together as well.

Overall, the songs are unique and memorable, mostly because of the catchy melodies. It's always hard to hear the lyrics in a coffee shop show, so I'm not going to even try to name any of the songs. But, having seen them play a few months ago, I remembered the majority of the songs from the melody and was proud of that fact.

They started the set with an a'capella version of an old "negro spiritual" (to quote Julia R.W. Jackson) that is probably called "I'm Troubled" if I heard the words correctly. Come to think of it, I can't imagine too many "negro spirituals" that aren't a'capella. Not like there were instruments handy or anything. Unless they did that mop-and-bucket bass trick. That's just cool.

Anyway, they went on to play a handful of songs that varied in tempo, meter, and volume, all of which fit into the folk genre, but weren't boring or predictable. I especially enjoyed the solid bass lines and the talented playing of Long John Quickfingers. The slow songs were rock solid as well, as Miss Jackson tickled the ivories with impressive skill -- when the piano was actually audible over the rest of the music, anyway. Oh, and she played the accordion for the first non-a'capella song, which was just fun. Ishmael also played the banjo on that tune, while Bob played bass and did some work with his feet on the kick drum and hi-hat.

All told, I came away impressed with the skill and polish of a band that looks like such...well...hippies, which aren't usually known for their practice ethic or their ability to interact with electricity. It still felt like a jam session in some tiny San Francisco bar circa 1962, and the complex simplicity made the band fun, eclectic, and technically sound.

You don't often hear that kind of quality in a random coffee shop on a Sunday night, but when you do...

...you try your best not to make jokes about hugging trees.

Comic Con Day 5: The Last Day At Summer Camp

2010-04-24T17:39:00.000-07:00

(from July 30, 2009)

Sorry for the lateness of this entry, but after such a full week at the Con, I'm still trying to catch up. I'm worn out to my very bones, but it's the kind of exhaustion you only get from meeting gorgeous celebrities and having them profess their love to you... via an autographed photo. It's quite a satisfying feeling.

But now that I've had a few days to process it all, I wanted to take a quick look back at Sunday. The final day of Comic Con 2009 was a lot like that final day at summer camp -- those of us who have been there the whole time are walking around just a little more slowly, remembering all the fun things we did, all the cool people we met, and just soaking it all in one last time.

"Oh look, there's the Playmate from 1998! She's so sad...we're going to miss you, lady trying desperately not to age!"

"There's the Twilight booth, where I nearly got decapitated by a 14 year old girl grabbing a poster!"

"The Star Wars booth! I can still smell the nerd sweat from all the chubby Jedi-wannabes permanently soaked into the carpet after they stood there for three hours watching clips from the movies up on that big screen."

"The G4 booth, my home away from home this week, and the site of me becoming even more famous than I was before! I'm going to miss you, and miss being on live television..."

...that's literally me in the center, with the green hat on, showing off my rub-on tattoo of Kevin Pereira and Olivia Munn. And so my already considerable fame grows.

It was a bittersweet day; a lot of kids were there because it was some kind of family day or something, so a lot of the booths had giveaways targeted to the youngest fans. Basically, that translated into "stay away from the WB booth or you'll get run over by 400 strollers."

But it was still Comic Con, and plenty of people were there for the first day all week (clearly not the most dedicated Con-goers, since even I knew that you can't wait until the last minute to register or you'll be out of luck). It was kind of sad seeing the costumes on Sunday, because those of us who had been there all week knew that we'd seen the best of the best on Saturday, and that the Sunday cosplayers were just a day late and a dollar (or more) short.

Since Saturday is essentially the thrilling climax of the Comic Con story, Sunday felt kind of like those nine different endings from The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King (which I heard mentioned at least three times during the week). Not that the endings were bad, it's comparable in that, just when you think it's all over, it's still going. So it was with the Con; I kept thinking that the floor would be empty when I turned around, but every time I circled back to the main area (around the movie/TV booths), there were still plenty of people.

I did catch a few photo gems that I missed earlier, including the best statue ever:

...a sign that drew a lot of agreement, in both scream and non-scream form:

...Princess Leia, in the only costume truly recognized by the nerd community:

...the pope (Wait, the pope? Really? Does he have a comic book coming out?):

...me with Blair Herter, correspondent for G4 and apparently a former contestant on Road Rules back in the day:

...movie expert Chris Gore in a pink baby T-shirt:

...and, just to round things out, the G4 International Sexy Ladies Show girl, still somehow in that bathing suit and still somehow able to smile about it:

All in all, Sunday at the Con was fun; I watched a trivia contest hosted my Mr. Herter in the G4 booth (the winner got some really cool stuff, including a life-size replica storm trooper helmet... goodness sakes, I think I need to get away from all the nerds before I become any more like them), I picked up some more swag, I bought myself a Guy Fawkes mask (from V For Vendetta, of course) and just took it all in one final time.

If we're going to use the camp analogy, let's take it a step further and identify some of my favorite things from the week, using camp terms to complete the thought:

Camp Counselor: Olivia Munn, who was clearly the person I was there to see, and she did not disappoint. From the Running Of The Munns (I hope I don't have to pay royalties to use that) to the autograph session and everything in between, she helped make Comic Con '09 the highlight of my year so far. I think it's too late, I'm already a nerd.

Camp Song: The Attack Of The Show theme, which a room full of nerds hummed on kazoos for the AOTS panel. Also, the Star Wars theme, which can make an entire convention hall of nerds freeze in their tracks and look heavenward to find the source of their greatest dreams come to life.

Coolest Cabin: For me, it was the G4 booth, not only because of Miss Munn and the live coverage of the Con, but because they made their celebrities accessible, they gave away a lot of free stuff (I have an AOTS T-shirt, a handful of buttons, a stack of rub-on tattoos, a green poker visor, and an autographed picture of Olivia Munn given to me after one of the handlers saw that I had Olivia and Kevin's signatures on my forearm), and they always had something going on worth checking out. As I chatted briefly with the handler who gave me the autographed Munn photo, I mentioned how much I loved their booth, and I literally said, "See you next year!" like every kid at camp does. Otherwise, I enjoyed the Iron Man booth (with the four Iron Man suits), the Twilight booth (for giving away sooooooo much), and the Hasbro booth with the G.I. Joe suits.

Lamest Cabin: clearly the WB/CW/whatever that network's called booth. For one thing, it was massive, it was right in the middle row, and it was horribly designed in terms of accessibility. Whenever they had celebrities, they were tucked away under the second story where you couldn't see them. When they didn't, they had some Rock Band thing in one of the corners, but it was always packed and you couldn't really see what was going on. They didn't hand out swag; you had to wait in a line and circle around the booth a couple times before you got to the counter and they handed stuff to you. If the Con was indeed summer camp, the WB booth was the cabin full of kids who had poison oak.

Mess Hall: I didn't actually buy anything to eat there, although they have a few concessions areas, as well as some Starbucks locations, inside the convention center. More little snack carts were positioned here and there, but none of it looked all that good, and was pretty expensive (like, movie theater expensive), so I settled for some homemade sandwiches. Peanut butter, honey and cinnamon sure hit the spot though, and you need a good source of energy like that to survive the Con floor for five days.

Favorite Camp Activity: Going to my first panel was lots of fun, and the gang from AOTS put on a great show. Along with the clip they showed us:

...they really brought us all together with the kazoos and the nerd rave. If they had had a Con-wide softball game, that might have trumped the panel... but it still would have been close.

Hope To See You Next Year: Obviously I'll be hanging around the G4 booth again next July, getting on live TV and having gorgeous starlets falling in love with me... again. But I really just want to see the things that make Comic Con so special -- the costumes, the crowds, the larger-than-life booths and the general craziness. And if the International Sexy Ladies Show girl is there again, that wouldn't hurt either.

So with a full Comic Con experience under my belt, I feel like I learned a lot; not only about comics, movies and television, but about myself and my fellow nerds. This whirlwind adventure got me pumped up, took my breath away and left me pretty exhausted, but most of all, really showed me a great time.

Next year, I'm going to see what I can accomplish with my press pass, maybe set up some pre-scheduled interview time, and hopefully try to stay more informed about the new releases and accompanying celebrities that will be there.

And maybe over the winter, I'll write a letter to some of the new friends I made, remembering all the fun we had this summer at Comic Con.

Comic Con Day 4: Hit That High Note

2010-04-24T17:38:00.000-07:00

(from July 27, 2009)

If Comic Con was the ideal baseball lineup, then Saturday definitely fits as the cleanup hitter.

Sorry, that analogy is not the way to go for this demographic. Hang on...

If Comic Con was Episode IV of the Star Wars saga, then Saturday definitely fits as the moment Luke blows up the Death Star.

That's much better.

Saturday at the Con is the climax of everything that has been building for the previous three days. The masquerade ball is Saturday night, so all the nerds bust out the prime costumes. The exhibitor booths pull out all the stops with their giveaways. Celebrity sightings are big and frequent. The floor is jam packed. And G4 network's live coverage of the event kicks off, complete with a gorgeous hostess (see previous blogs here) dressed up as a variety of superheroes (more on that in a bit).

The energy in the convention center is buzzing. You can see people walking with just a little bit more of a spring in their step. The overheard conversations are almost frantic with excitement and anticipation. Noises of every kind imaginable are coming from the big booths in an attempt to capture your attention for even the slightest of seconds. Comic Con Saturday is almost alive in its own right.

The day started with a sign of things to come -- the official outfit of the nerd:

That's right: socks with sandals. Right from the get-go, I knew it was going to be an amazing day.

This being my first year at the Con, I had made it a point to try and experience the event like a typical nerd (which wasn't hard, given my eighth grade school photo, which I hope we don't have to mention anymore). I wanted to wait in lines, grab swag left and right, run after beautiful women just to have them scribble on something, and cheer for things I've never heard of just to get a free t-shirt thrown in my general direction.

Having gone to a screening on Wednesday, learned some valuable lessons about lines and swag on Thursday, and acted like a completely crazed fan on Friday, I thought I was ready for whatever the Con could throw at me on Saturday.

And then I saw this guy:

...and I nearly peed my pants. Seriously, he was easily 6'6" and ripped, plus he didn't really say much, and when he did talk it was something about joining the resistance. And thusly did my Saturday at Comic Con officially begin.

I got to the convention center early to wait in line for a drawing that would determine who would be allowed into the Attack Of The Show autograph session later that afternoon. After a good hour in line, I manged to pick a winning ticket on my first draw (those drawing a blank ticket could return to the back of the line to wait for another chance until all the winning tickets had been drawn). Now, I don't want to sound weird, but I have to admit -- I actually prayed that I would draw a winning ticket. It wasn't a crazy deal like, "God, I'll never lie again if I get this!" or anything, but in my head, I remember literally praying to God that I really, really wanted to make it into this session and asking Him to let me get it. Whether or not you believe in this sort of thing, I have to say...drawing a winner on the first try didn't happen very often from what I heard in line. Not that God is overly concerned with my desire to meet famous people... but the point remains, I got in and I was super stoked.

But I had a few free hours before the next big event on my schedule, the G4 Network's live coverage of Comic Con, which began at 1 p.m. I've been on television a few times before, as I'm sure you'd expect from someone of my gratuitous level of fame, but as I mentioned, I wanted the full Comic Con fan experience, and if getting in the background of a live TV show isn't on a nerd's must-do list, then I guess I just don't know nerds at all.

So once again, I headed for the exhibition hall for a look around. I had heard that Saturday was a big day, and it makes sense for all the reasons we mentioned before, but I was not prepared for what I saw and heard (and sometimes smelled).

I guess it was the combination of so many people having their attention pulled in so many different directions -- it felt a little bit like being in a big nerd amusement park, only instead of rides there were celebrities everywhere. Every time I turned around, I saw...

Rob Zombie:

...Jamie Kennedy:

...Tyrese Gibson:

...comedian Doug Benson:

...Yvonne Strahovsky (if you don't know who she is, you should Google her right now...do it!):

...Nina Dobrev (you may not know who she is now, but you will):

...Billy Connolly (from the immortal TV show Billy back in the early 90s, as well as The Boondock Saints, The Last Samurai, and Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events, to name a few):

...Kathy Najimy (from Sister Act and Rat Race, among others):

...and I'm sure there were more that I didn't even see. There is always something big going on at the Con on Saturday, it is beyond impossible to see everything.

I made my attempts though, and despite the crowds, I soldiered on. When the constant jostling, the heat, and the body odor of the crowd got to be too much, I found a little spot by one of the stairways to grab a seat and catch my breath (and upload my photos for my many adoring fans). But the electricity of the floor kept pulling me back in, and I powerless to fight the alluring call.

Plus, the chance to get on live TV will make regular people do the weirdest things, and for someone as famous as I am, I have to say that I guess I'm not entirely immune to this phenomenon. Actually, I'll just play it off like whatever I was doing was on purpose to get the full fan "experience." I don't think anyone will question that.

So I headed over to the G4 stage, which was a two-story structure tucked away nearly in the corner of the exhibition hall, with a commanding view of the floor:

The network's coverage of the convention began at 1 pm, but, as with everything at the Con, people started gathering much earlier than that to secure their chance at television immortality. Even though I got there around 12:45 pm, I still managed to find a few gaps and slip up towards the edge of the stage. At that point, this happened:

That's me in the green hat, and this was on television. And so my already considerable fame grows.

Of course, just to make my family proud, I had to do something to draw attention to myself, so I did this:

Yep, that's me showing off a rub-on tattoo of Kevin & Olivia I put on my right shoulder. Again, this was on live television. Granted, it was on the G4 network, so only a few mill... um, thous... OK, it was like 60 people who saw this. And it was totally worth it...

Now, I'm typically not a "screaming masses" kind of guy, but it was pretty fun to just hang out with the other fans and act all crazy every time the stage manager waved his hands. But with the stage elevated, our view was pretty much this:

...which was cool from a behind-the-scenes standpoint, but was difficult from a neck pain standpoint, having to keep looking up like that. I enjoyed using my camera to zoom in and read the teleprompter to see what they were supposed to be saying, then hearing them ad-lib for minutes at a time before they were forced to return to the scripted text. One of my favorite aspects of Attack Of The Show is that the hosts have such great rapport with each other that you don't feel like you're watching a show as much as you feel like you're watching your good-looking, really funny friends hang out and entertain you. As much as I watch the show (I have my DVR set to record it every afternoon so I can watch it later), I was really excited to see the live coverage.

And they didn't disappoint... at least, not entirely. The show was three hours long, and even though a lot of it was happening in front of our eyes, there were a lot of pre-taped segments and commercials, so there was a lot of down time. They did a good job of keeping interest somewhat alive by having Kevin & Olivia come down into the crowd from time to time:

...but even so, I just couldn't stand there the whole time. I'm sure some veterans of the Con were able to handle it; three hours is a cake walk compared to a line leading to anything Star Wars-related.

One other incentive was Olivia dressing up as various superheroes, beginning with Wonder Woman:

...and continuing with Batman villain Harley Quinn:

...Lara Croft, Tomb Raider:

...Marvel villain Emma Frost:

...and Watchmen heroine Silk Spectre, which I failed to digitally capture.

Kevin did his part, dressing up as Mammogramo (as you can see in the above picture), as well as a Japanese raccoon:

with some... well, let's just say that he's not storing those acorns away for winter.

It was interesting to watch the choreographed chaos that is live television unfold before my very eyes, and see really how much the hosts put into pulling it all off. I don't know where they get their energy, but Kevin & Olivia kept things going for the entirety of those three hours, and even had to shoot some alternate endings for the show after it was all done. I was exhausted just watching, so they must have been pretty much done. Olivia still had a Star Wars-related internet series to present afterward (Olivia Munn + Star Wars = no way in Hello Kitty would I try to wait in that line), so apparently she has the stamina of a Navy SEAL. Or she injects pixy stix straight into her bloodstream every commercial break. Whatever she does, it's working.

But I had to conserve some energy for the grueling line I knew awaited me for the AOTS autograph session. I had drawn a winning ticket, but I heard that there were 599 others just like mine, and I had learned by now that nothing this big happens at the Con without a line forming hours in advance. So with the live show wrapping up at 4 pm and the autograph session set to begin at 5:30 pm, I headed up to the autograph area at about 4:10 pm to jump in the back of the line.

Turns out I was about eight tenths of the way to the back by the time everybody showed up, and my line neighbor was a pot-growing fledgling comic artist named Mike (who would have been one of the most entertaining people ever had I not been so sleep-deprived and nervous about meeting Kevin & Olivia). I sat for a good 40 minutes on the bare concrete floor, then stood back up for a good 40 more minutes before a triumphant cheer from the crowd finally announced the arrival of the talent.

The G4 team kept the line moving quickly, but still allowed everyone time to talk briefly with the hosts and get a poster (and/or some other items) signed. When I got up there, I first saw a glimpse of Olivia and my heart started really thumping, I kid you not:

I didn't really know what to say, despite the fact that I had been rehearsing a few different options in my head for the entirety of the line wait. What came out was this:

I'm amused/mortified at the audible change in my voice when she started talking/looking at me. As a reformed (reforming?) dork, I felt like I had made significant progress in my 28 years on this planet. This event showed me that I have come nowhere near as far as I had thought. I will grant that she is an extremely beautiful woman, and that a man would have to have no soul to not feel a little nervous around her, but I was reduced to a stammering, quasi-coherent bundle of nerves before I even knew what was going on. I still don't really know what happened, and I'm at least glad I have the video to look at for reference.

Despite my buffoonery, I managed enough of a recovery by the time I transferred over to Kevin's station to have something resembling a conversation. We joked about my autographed forearm as a potential Craig's List item, and I got him to say something cool about me, which turned out to be (as it always is with these two) something dirty (and awesome). I walked away with my head in the clouds and an extra bounce in my step, even though I felt kind of like an idiot as soon as I started thinking of all the other cool responses I could have said to both of them.

But I also got to thinking about why it's so hard to have a normal interaction with somebody famous -- specifically a celebrity I follow with a passion.

My answer, after some deliberation, is that when you watch someone on television consistently, they start to become a part of your life. You laugh at their inside jokes, you remember the crazy things they did, and you identify with them in little ways that give you a sense of real connection. The thing is, it's a completely one-sided connection -- the only thing the celebrity sees when they're putting on the show is a camera. When the real-life meeting finally takes place, you still feel the connection, but the celebrity reacts to you as the stranger you are. They do a great job of being very friendly and making you feel like you're part of what they have going on, but it's still vaguely off-putting to be confronted by the sensation of disconnect, especially when you feel like you've established a link, however superficial it may be. All of this, plus the general nervousness involved with meeting someone new and not knowing how they'll respond, makes it difficult to have a truly natural, real interaction. I know it's easier for some people than it is for others, but I think overall that it's an odd phenomenon no matter what happens.

Either way, I ended up with this:

...and a whole lot more costume sightings, including scary chainsaw girls:

...an awesome Joker and henchman (who were smart and just camped out in this spot to allow for other people to take photos):

...an R2D2 unit that hopefully had a midget inside (you know, just for authenticity's sake):

...Spiderman:

...Mexican Superman & Wonder Woman:

...Thor, Magneto, and... a girl...?:

...my personal favorite, Swag Man (a costume made entirely out of things handed out, plus some duct tape):

...a group of Predators (or rastafarians?):

...Alice and The Mad Hatter:

...a pair of Disney princesses:

...and Snake Eyes:

I was pretty jazzed up at that point, so I hit the floor again for a quick lap or two, and kept the camera rolling for a few thoughts:

It was a great Saturday, and as I wedged myself into a trolley seat for the ride back to Qualcomm Stadium, I was exhausted but thrilled. The Con's big day was an experience I'll never forget, and I know a little bit more of what to expect next year.

I just hope there isn't a line for it already.

Comic Con Day 3: Munn-day on Friday!

2010-04-24T17:37:00.000-07:00

(from July 24, 2009)

The pinnacle of my life thus far...and I'm only exaggerating a little bit...

Ah yes, Comic Con Friday.

Like a circus without a ringmaster, the Con hits another gear on Friday with a influx of new arrivals who aren't dedicated enough to take off of work on a Thursday, or who aren't dedicated to just not have a job in the first place. What a bunch of corporate sellouts.

I, on the other hand, claim the good fortune of a job that allows a trip to Comic Con to be classified as "work," with only a near-constant stream of professional e-mails blowing up my phone every 17 seconds as a downside.

My press pass came in extra handy this morning, because (as I'm sure we all knew), today was Olivia Munn day! Everyone's favorite sexy Asian tech show hostess (if you've never heard of her, rest assured -- you will, and soon) had a full schedule, beginning with a meet and greet with her exclusive fan club at 1o am. Those of us in the OMFG (Olivia Munn Fan Group) received a clandestine e-mail from some sort of intern signing Olivia's name this week, and there were a lot of fans wating outside the Atom.com booth, where Miss Munn was announcing her partnership with the company in producing some Star Wars-related Webisodes that will debut soon.

The thing is, the Con doesn't officially open until 9:30 am, so the people with the non-famous person badges had to wander helplessly outside, while a quick flash of the press designation (and, I'm sure, the recognition factor reserved for those of us in the upper echelons of celebrity) quickly allowed me entrance to the nearly-deserted floor.

There were still about 20 fans already there, lining up in an orderly fashion (which I'm getting better at) and alternating between quasi-awkward chatting with their neighbors and anxiously checking the doorway for signs of Olivia. But within seconds of my arrival, the floodgates were opened and the steaming mass of humanity known as Comic Con surged into the main hall. It took under a minute for the line to wrap completely around the booth, and still people came. By the time Olivia showed (at about 10:15), a horde of people converged on the site like zombies to a sorority girl. She managed to get into the booth and say a quick hello to the group before starting the individual photo/autograph sessions, but the crowd was still growing dangerously.

I managed to get her attention with the pie I brought for her (yes, I bought her a pie; she's a well-known pie aficionado, and she mentioned in a recent article that she especially likes the quality offerings of the Julian Pie Co., so I figured it was a no-brainer). Sadly, I have no video evidence of what transpired (I think I hit the wrong button...grr), but here's a basic synopsis of what the "conversation" was like:

Me: (gesturing towards pie and smiling, saying nothing)
Olivia: (smiling) You brought me a pie?!? That's great!
Me: Yes, I did, because I know you like them, and I am not desperate and creepy, I promise.
Olivia: Oooh, what kind is it? (Not seeing the label on the box she is holding in her hands at this point)
Me: I think it's apple mountain berry...did I mention the not-creepy thing already? Just want to make sure we get that across.
Olivia: (Thinking for a second) You know, with all these costumes I'm wearing for the show [Attack Of The Show's live broadcast on Saturday], most of them are pretty skimpy, so I'm on a diet. And you bring me pie? F*** YOU!
Me: (still silently holding onto one end of the pie box, wondering if I should offer to split it with her)
Olivia: I'm just kidding, I love it! Thank you so much! (Puts it down with her stuff to turn her attention elsewhere)
Me: (as she's walking away, trying to be kind of loud but actually speaking in almost a whisper) Hey, that's...yeah...I'm not...creepy...

And...*scene*.

Well, it wasn't exactly that, but it was close. She literally did say the line about the skimpy costumes and she did also say "F*** YOU!" right to my face -- but we get each other's sense of humor that way, so everybody laughed. It was the coolest cussing out I've ever been a part of. If I can manage to get in to the AOTS autograph session on Saturday, I think I'm going to ask her to help me re-create that moment on video -- complete with awkward line delivery and a turn-to-the-camera-thumbs-

up finish. I'll let you know how that turns out.

Anyway, before my part of the line could even get inside the Atom.com booth, some killjoy from Comic Con came in and said that there were way too many people in that area and that the whole thing had to move outside. Olivia and her entourage made a break for the front doors, but she didn't get 20 feet before the crowd closed in around her:

She signed a few autographs, took a few photos, but about 45 seconds later, the security team was plowing her through the crowd towards the rear entrance. Wow that sentence sounds dirty...purely unintentional...my apologies. But a pretty accurate visual of what followed would be that of an old-fashioned fox hunt, only instead of English horseman chasing a helpless woodland animal, substitute in a chubby, hustling horde of nerds trying not to obliterate the other innocent convention-goers in a mad dash down a back hallway, up some stairs, and out onto the steps at the rear of the convention hall overlooking the harbor. And I'm quite proud to say that my level of fitness is such that I easily kept pace with Miss Munn and her security goons, even up the stairs (two at a time, thank you very much), while the rest of the geeks were sucking on their inhalers and cowering away from the sun like it was an attacking dragon.

But the now-infamous Munn Run '09 soon concluded, and the business of once again forming an orderly line was underway. I will say this, for as much as lining up is hardwired into the DNA of the Con veteran, it took a rather stern warning from the security officials to finally get the crowd to stop pushing. Once the excitement of the chase died down, the crowd (herd?) settled back into its normal state of calmly waiting in line:

Olivia took time with everybody, including yours truly (as you see in the photo at the top), to sign autographs, take pictures, chat briefly about anything and everything, and even to accommodate some of the more... original requests:

...or offer some of her own suggestions, for some reason:

She was gracious, despite the inconvenience of having to change the location; she was warm and friendly, she was genuinely excited to be there, and none of it came across as false or contrived in any way. That seems to be the hallmark of Olivia Munn -- the best of both worlds. She's gorgeous, but approachable. She's smart, funny, and engaging, while also being real and not above dropping an occasional f-bomb or talking about poo (which we'll mention more on later, if that's any incentive to keep reading). She's a celebrity, but she still very much considers herself a regular person with the outstanding fortune of being able to essentially be wacky for a living (and have people virtually worship her all the while).

The people around her seem to feed off this attitude, and we, the fans, got to see some of how that works in the Attack Of The Show (AOTS) panel.

For starters, this was my first panel, so I wasn't sure exactly what to expect. I'd hear stories and seen clips from previous years, so I knew what the format would be like -- but I had no idea what was going to happen with the lines, the seating, the cooperation of the fans, etc. So I headed up to the meeting room about an hour and a half before the 1:15 pm scheduled start time, since I was told that popular panels like AOTS typically have people "squatting" in prior panels to save seats. This I found to be more than true, and with a sly bit of sidling into the middle of a moving line, I managed to get into the room and into an empty seat about ten rows back. I did, however, have to sit through the panel for Nickelodeon's The Fairly Oddparents, which included some cartoons that I thought were written by middle schoolers, but somehow drew uproarious laughter from most of the grown-ups in the room. I spent some time checking my phone and uploading photos. That was much more entertaining than that cartoon.

But, after a program change during which only a handful of people abandoned their seats, the AOTS panel began in all it's glory. The show's hosts, Munn and Kevin Pereira, were joined by special correspondent/writer Blair Butler and two producers or something that nobody really cared about. They began with an introduction from Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs, or at least somebody with a turtleneck and glasses, and we all got to hum the AOTS theme on kazoos that were handed out before the panel. It's a tough theme to hum on a kazoo, mostly because the actual theme music is kind of electronic and drum driven, and doesn't really have a melody as much as a computerized, robot-esque rap of the show's name. Butler said it best when she said it sounded like "we're being attacked by thousands of bees!"

The panel itself was great; they talked about how they come up with the most popular segment on the show, which is "Around The Net." Basically, they have interns sift through the billions of internet videos out there to come up with 20 potentially show-worthy clips. The hosts and writers debate and come up with the top five, and rank them accordingly. Since the No. 1 video usually leads to some kind of stunt or skit or various other hijinks, they're usually pretty awesome. The recent example they showed us was a video of a little kid trying hot sauce and freaking out, which led to the hosts having a shot-for-shot competition to see who could drink more tabasco. For the record, Kevin "won" with 11 shots, but both he and Olivia went into pretty graphic detail about how awful the next few days were for them as the hot sauce made its fiery exit. And Olivia unabashedly discussed the topic, an unusual move for someone of her sex appeal status, but somehow she pulled it off, like she always does. Bravo.

Another highlight was a clip they put together of a trailer for a new (and fake, for the record) live-action Inspector Gadget movie that seemed inspired by the movie Taken, about a man who rescues his kidnapped daughter. I'm sure it'll be on the internet soon enough...if it isn't already. Since Olivia has a part in the upcoming Iron Man sequel, she talked about that until Kevin revealed that he, too, had a part in the movie, and that he had brought a clip. I won't spoil it for you, but... OK I'll spoil it, it's just him, waving in front of a green screen, dubbed into a clip from the first Iron Man. Classic setup, great acting, punch line... punched.

Oh, and then the panel ended with one of Kevin's dreams coming true: a nerd rave.

If you pause the clip at about 4 seconds in, and look to the left of the screen for a red dot in the middle of yellow, green and white lights... that's me. I had a red glow stick for the nerd rave. And I rocked that red glow stick's face.

After that, I have to be honest... I was pretty much done. I managed to find a quiet little corner to have a quick bite to eat and write down some notes, then I walked the floor for a while before deciding to call it a day (at about 4:30). Olivia still had her Star Wars-related duties to attend to, but I was led to understand that the only way to get access to a Star Wars event at the Con is to have been born in the room where it was scheduled to take place, otherwise it was already full.

Not that I didn't have a few more random sightings, including Danny DeVito:

...some goth cheerleaders...? (That seems contradictory...)

...the coolest and simultaneously nerdiest kid ever (aka Master Chief Jr.):

...a walking, talking car named Bumblebee:

...a "Twilight is gay" t-shirt:

...G4 TV personality and comedian Chris Hardwick:

...and whatever this is...?

By the time I got home, I was pretty pooped -- not quite like what was described in the hot sauce aftermath, but probably just as sore and confused -- and ready to just sit and relax...

...and gather my strength for tomorrow, when AOTS shoots a live show from their two-story stage on the floor at the Con. If you get G4, make sure to watch the show, which starts at 1 pm Saturday, to see if your favorite reporter/blogger makes it into the background on live television.

Whatever goes down, you know I'll be right back here to tell you about, so check back in to see what kind of trouble I get myself into next...

Comic Con Day 2: Learning The Ropes

2010-04-24T17:35:00.000-07:00

(from July 24, 2009)

For me, Comic Con Thursday was all about Miss Alison Haislip, star of (well, special correspondent to) G4's hit tech program Attack Of The Show. She's just adorable, always seems to be on the verge of a giggle fit, and was really, really nice in person. She is now easily my second-favorite TV personality.

But before I even realized this dream, Thursday came and with it, the true beginning of Comic Con 2009.

Wednesday's preview night was fun and eye-opening, but when the real Con got underway, this newbie had a thing or two still to learn.

First off, I had pretty well mastered the public transportation thing, so I my mind was just that much more able to take in my surroundings. And as it was the day before, the costumed wonderment began right at the Qualcomm Stadium terminal. First, the coolest Robin Hood ever was on my trolley, although looking a bit out of place in the midst of the modern surroundings:

But once we were on the train, my geek radar (my geekdar?) started going off, so I snapped this photo of a fellow Con-goer:

...who looks really engrossed in his grab bag of goodies. I still don't know who that is on his t-shirt, but it looks like some actress from the 50s or something. Post an answer if you have one, please...it's bugging the heck out of me.

The excitement mounted as we got closer to the convention center, and I was happy to take advantage of my super famous writer (aka "press") pass to be able to just walk right in and avoid some of the lines for the inferior... er... regular... badge-holders. Although, just inside the doors, I ran into this sign:

...which cracks me up because they actually have to inspect the weapons brought in as part of the costumes to make sure they're not going to impale or blow up anyone. The thing is, people actually bring in weapons that could be dangerous, at least in my estimation, but it's almost like the security guards just go, "Yeah, but they're nerds -- they're not going to hurt anybody -- they're not very strong and they can't really run away. Just let them in..."

Some costumes have weapons of a different kind, as I saw when I first walked into the main hall:

...and again when I found my way over to the G4 booth and saw their walking advertisement for the new International Sexy Ladies Show (which is such an unbelievably simple and genius idea, it makes me wonder why it took this long to hit the airwaves):

...and yet again when I wandered upstairs to see what was happening around the meeting rooms:

It struck me somewhere around this point that Comic Con is like an extended Halloween, in that it's really fun for little kids but it's also an excuse for hot chicks to wear as little as possible. It's not entirely their fault, since the costumes are totally spot-on and most of them are portraying something popular to at least a fringe group of nerds. I guess it's just that in the world of comics, video games, anime, and the fantasy world, girls are rarely wearing anything more than what comes out of your dryer's lint trap.

At least Alison Haislip was dressed normally, albeit getting makeup applied by a hired professional:

...but it was probably good for the health of her fans, since there were about 9,000 of them there for her autograph session. The scheduled time for said session was 1 pm to 2:30 pm, but when I got there at 12:30 pm, the line had already been closed for about a half an hour. And another lesson of the Con was learned that day: never underestimate the popularity of anything. There seems to be a "line instinct" at the Con, basically saying that if you see a line, you should just jump in it before it gets filled up.

To my great surprise, relief and excitement, Miss Haislip was so gracious as to hang around during the downtime before they filmed her segment for the network's Comic Con Preview special and sign a few more photos for the fans. She was really sweet and talked with the small group that gathered, took pictures with us, and generally made everyone's day. It seems like doing these conventions would be so hectic and crazy for anyone of even the most seemingly insignificant amout of fame, so when a celebrity goes out of his or her way to interact with the fans, especially when it's really not expected or required, it's a real treat. Plus, she signed my photo thusly: "Dan, yay Comic Con! -Alison Haislip." It seems obvious that she's quite taken with me and my aforementioned super famous reputation, and is probably just too shy to say anything. It's OK, Alison, it happens to all the young ladies around me. It's not really something I can control; it's like a gift. You're welcome. And I'm sorry.

Since Thursday is the unofficial official beginning of Comic Con, it's also a great day to see the cool costumes. What would a nerd convention be without its fair share of Star Wars representation, from your classic storm trooper:

...to your Princess Leia (this version atypical in that she's wearing more than just a bronze bikini):

...and pretty much everything in between.

The costumes come in all varieties, from unexpected (and freaking amazing!) pairings:

...to the clever play-on-words (Master Chef is a take on the Halo video game character Master Chief, if you're out of this particular loop):

...to the classic genius:

...to the "let's do crunches for 10 months so we can pull of these costumes next year" (which might be the coolest I've seen yet):

Some guys didn't even have to move and they still drew a crowd. This guy stood in this exact pose for the entire day...and all of Wednesday night as well. I don't even think he blinked. It was crazy...almost like looking through one of those wax museums, only there were people here. Spooky.

...and of course there are always the imitators. At least this guy pulled it off like a champ, even if he was soaking wet in a mixture of sweat and some kind of red, juicy liquid:

That's always a risk you take when you dress up for the Con: repeating somebody else's costume. There were a lot of Wolverines walking around, which is understandable given the success of the movie, and quite a few incarnations of Rorschach, the ink-blot-for-a-face hero from Watchmen. For the girls, if they weren't just dressed like a slutty cat, I saw a lot of Harley Quinn costumes (the Joker's piebald sidekick in the comics):

...as well as a lot of some anime girl with blue hair and cat ears that I still can't properly identify, and quite a few of the Silk Spectre, also from Watchmen. There's always an advantage to dressing up as a couple, because it allows for more creativity that going solo, as evidenced by this sexy take on the G.I. Joe bad guys:

Really though, the unique costumes were the ones that made the best impressions, especially if they're done all the way. It's easy to buy some store-bought rag for $40 on eBay, but the costumes that are the most fun to see are typically the ones that took a long time to make and can't be found anywhere else. It doesn't hurt to dig up a classic, recognizable, but not overplayed character and do it up right:

...and it doesn't hurt to get your picture taken with a guy from the Street Fighter games either.

All told, Thursday at the Con was a whirlwind tour of all things entertainment, and my head is still spinning. And basically all I did was walk the floor looking at people and grabbing swag...oh, and picking up a birthday gift for my little sister. What do you buy somebody who got her doctorate (in physical therapy) at age 23 and has a handful of career options that all pretty much end in gobs of money? Well, without ruining the surprise, a person can never have too many superhero t-shirts in the closet...

At the end of the day, I plodded my way through the foot traffic to the trolley station to catch the train back to Qualcomm, and as if to bring the day full-circle, who shows up but our buddy Robin Hood:

That's Comic Con in a nutshell: no matter what crazy things you see, what outrageous costumes people wear, or how many autographs you get, it's still just a big group of happy nerds having the time of their lives.

And I guess I can't get away from it anymore: I am definitely one of them.

Comic-Con Day 1: I'll Probably Get Acne Just From Breathing The Air

2010-04-24T17:34:00.000-07:00

(from July 22, 2009)

Once a year, the truly nerdly among us emerge from parental basements all across the country and begin the pilgrimage to the pinnacle of geekdom:

Comic Con.

For the 40th year, the Con has been the Mecca of all things geek, and since my eighth-grade school photo seems to be my membership card to this particular social demographic, I figured I'd see what all the craziness was all about.

For starters, the whole experience was sensory overload on so many levels. I say this as a bit of a disclaimer if my collected thoughts seem a bit jumbled, but hopefully I will effectively communicate just how literally awesome, in the truest sense of the word, this event truly is.

We'll start at the beginning, which is the best place to start, from what I understand.

Wednesday night, the special preview night for the four-day pass holders and the members of the media (like me!) to get a sneak peek at the Con before the gates are thrown back for the less-privileged masses.

Being a newbie to the Con, I did my share of research online before heading downtown. The first thing I found is that parking is a major issue, so I took the Internet's advice (which is always a good idea, I hear) and utilized the public transportation system.

The San Diego trolley covers most of the downtown area, and when Comic Con is going on, they run a special route from Qualcomm Stadium to the Gaslamp and back to help alleviate the parking problem. I figured that, since I knew how to get to the Q already, that would be the best way to go.

And did I ever make the right call. Not only was it fast and easy, but watching the people on the train just made my day. I'm something of a people-watcher anyway, but the Con always brings out the finest specimens of humanity. Before the trolley even left the station, we bore witness to a pair of young men in skin-tight black body suits, apparently dressed up as some kind of anime or video game characters. They waved to us, then had to wait in line to use the trolley pass kiosk like mere mortals, which kind of ruined the illusion they had going on.

But this didn't dampen any spirits, because the handful of us waiting at Qualcomm were soon off on our own Comic Con adventures! I wasn't sure if everybody on the train was going to the Con, but I'm pretty sure this kid was:

Not to pick on anybody, but let's just say that I'm pretty sure nobody thought he was going to a football game. I learned right then that the spirit of Comic Con is truly universal, but that this particular universe usually consists of people wearing glasses. And I wear glasses, so I should know. Again, I have to mention my eighth-grade school photo, which gives me license to pick on the nerds of the world. Sorry for the tangent; back to the story.

As we careened our way south, more and more comic enthusiasts came aboard, to the point where it was standing-room only on our particular train. It got a little scary when I looked over and saw this:

My heart skipped a beat before I realized that not only was the holster empty, but I'm pretty sure it was a girl wearing this getup. Maybe not; there are some pretty skinny nerds out there. Again, I should know. I'm not sure if he/she was dressed as a specific character, but it was either sexy or creepy, depending on the answer to the earlier question of gender. Not that we want to dive too deeply into that sticky situation. Moving on.

Before long, we pulled up outside the convention center and behold! The glory of the 2009 Comic Con was laid before us in all its majesty! I have never seen so many people downtown at the same time, even though I've been to a number of Padres games. I guess if the Padres had super powers, or at least could draw characters with super powers, they might draw this kind of a crowd. Maybe not, if they keep cutting their player payroll every season. But that's a topic for another column.

Either way, the line for the Con stretched all the way down Harbor Drive, practically to the Coronado Bridge. Well, maybe not that far, but at one point, those of us in line found ourselves walking on a patch of grass that none of us knew existed down there. To their credit, the Comic Con staff and security team were efficient, and the line was in near-constant motion. Despite the daunting size, the line moved quickly and got us inside within a few minutes, and all without any embarassing nerd violence. Well, I did see at least three Jedi knights, but thankfully their light sabres remained sheathed until we got inside. They probably just used their mind tricks to get in anyway. Those sneaky Jedis are always up to something.

All of this was for naught in my case, however, as my previously-established Con inexperience took me through a line I didn't need to join. Since I was able to secure a press pass, thanks to my sweet job at the Roadrunner, I got to go straight to the press pass line and get my badge within a few moments. I'm pretty sure that I got special treatment because I'm famous, too. It's not every day that they see the real-life author of the I Kid You Not columns in the Valley Roadrunner. I know they were trying to remain calm, but I could tell that they were all understandably impressed. I do my best to keep a low profile, but when you get to be this well-known, it's just hard to be seen as a regular person. What can you do, right? At least my eighth-grade school photo hasn't been released to the public. And just FYI, I'm probably going to mention that photo at least three or four more times... just so you're prepared.

With my press pass firmly (OK, draped daintily) around my neck and my grab bag full of things I didn't examine until I got home, I hit the floor of the convention center to finally experience Comic Con firsthand. On a personal side note, I was a little disappointed to not hear a chorus of angelic voices or a John Williams-conducted orchestra capturing the awe and solemnity of the moment as I strode confidently through those gray double doors that have been the gateway to geekdom for 40 years now. I guess that's reserved only for the members of the broadcast media. It figures.

Honestly, from that point on, my memory is a little hazy. Perhaps it was the pungent combination of nerd sweat and laminated paper that overwhelmed my nostrils, or the sheer size of the space, or even just the constant hum of activity eminating from all corners of the arena. Whatever the source, every one of my five senses was kicked into overdrive -- yes, even the sense of taste; when you have that many nerds packed in like cattle, the scents go beyond normal smell and creep down to the back of the throat where you start to taste whatever's coming off that dude wearing the XXXL Green Lantern t-shirt -- and my brain had to try to keep up. Thankfully, I've learned to always keep a pen and notepad handy in these situations, so I managed to scrawl a few scattered notes to help me remember some of the more noteworthy of the sensory experiences.

Throughout the evening, I overheard the most random, amazing, scary, and/or enlightening things. Outside the convention center, I listened in to an older Asian man talking about some of the things he's created, from various comic or cartoon statues to a life-size replica Master Cheif helmet from the original Halo video game. I'm not sure if the woman with him was his wife or his mom (I know that sounds awful, but it's more because I didn't get a good look and didn't want to stare, I promise), but I wouldn't be surprised either way. This guy could have been a millionaire, or he could have been living in his parents' basement. You just never know at the Con. I'll be sure to share more things I overheard from the rest of the weekend.

Despite my earlier attempt at a joke about diversity, there really are lots of different people at Comic Con. From the little babies in strollers to the older couples clinging to each other in the sea of moving humanity, or from the guys in suits to the kids with dyed blue mohawks, every type of person you can imagine is represented at the Con. To be fair, I did see a lot of glasses, a lot of goatees, and for some reason a lot of old-fashioned hats, which is cool I guess. I also saw this:

...which I can't really explain, other than the fact that it's a man with a flower hat on. Then there was this:

...which seemed out of place among the booths for cartoons. The typical reaction I noticed from the other fans snapping photos here was something like, "Oooh, a Playmate! Oh, 1998...that's disappointing." Poor girl, still riding that one accomplishment from nearly 11 years ago. I guess if it pays the bills, right?

Speaking of bills, I don't know how much some booths cost, but it has to be a lot. Even for some second-tier companies, the Con is a mandatory all-out situation. A few t-shirts clothespinned to the cubicle wall won't do; you've got to step your game up... like this:

...which is Castle Greyskull from the He-Man cartoons. Although the statue inside wasn't He-Man, but rather somebody called He-Ro, which is just weird and off-putting. I saw no signs of She-Ra or the green tiger, which was pretty disappointing. Nice work on the entrance though; I guess the Con is all about getting people to actually stop when they go by your booth. Well done here.

One of my favorites was the Hasbro booth, which was pimping the August release of G.I. Joe with all it had, and all but ignoring the latest Transformers movie after it got such poor reviews (which I still don't understand, but more on that another time). With actual costumes from the movie on display, I was instantly transported back to my childhood, to a time before my eighth-grade school photo existed and my world was filled with the simple joys of a few G.I. Joe figures. Some of the older figures we have include Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes, both of whom seem to figure prominently in the new movie. Their costumes look awesome, and I am pretty jealous of anyone who gets to wear them:

Storm Shadow, ninja extraordinaire, and his nemesis:

Snake Eyes, the coolest G.I. Joe in the box, no matter what else they came up with.

Some cool other sights included a Batman suit:

and the Bat bike:

...and whatever this is...not that it needs any particular reason to exist for us to enjoy it:

Everywhere I looked, Comic Con offered forth something amusing, interesting, appealing, or just plain cool for me to check out.

After cruising the booths on the ground floor for a while, I headed upstairs to the main ballroom to see the special previews of some new TV shows set to debut this fall.

I missed the first one when I was milling around trying not to bump into people and clandestinely snapping photos of cool things, but I made it in time to see almost all of the second showing, which was a full episode of a new show on ABC called V. Yes, just the letter "v." It makes sense because the show is about "visitors" from another planet who look like humans (only all of them are ridiculously good looking and wearing silver). I won't spoil anything, but if you like sci-fi stuff with a good story and just enough drama to make the wife happy, then check this show out. You may even have a good time trying to figure out where you've seen all the actors before, like I did the whole time. My favorite was seeing the guy who played Steve the Pirate in the movie Dodgeball a few years ago. No matter what he does with his hair, or what kinds of roles he plays, he will always be Steve the Pirate. And that will always make me smile.

The final showing was another full episode of an upcoming ABC series called The Vampire Diaries. I know what you're thinking, because I was thinking it too: really, more vampires? In the show's defense, at least these vampires don't sparkle in the daytime, and they seem to follow all the old standard vampire ways -- they can't come inside unless they're invited in, they don't show up in a mirror, etc.

The show itself isn't terrible, unless you really hate watching good-looking people walking around looking really good looking. It's set in and around a high school, so you're going to get a heavy dose of the old teen angst, but it's not anything more than similar shows like Smallville or anything else on the CW network. And this show has Nina Dobrev as the female lead, which makes anything watchable in this reporter's opinion. Not that you'd take my opinion seriously if you saw my eighth-grade school photo, but again, that's tucked away somewhere far, far away, which is the best thing for us all.

After the exhileration of my first night at the Con, the trolley ride back to Qualcomm was a welcome wind down, even though we got pretty well crammed in for the return trip. I felt a little bad for the regular trolley riders, who kept a wary eye on all of us with our Comic Con badges still proudly displayed throughout the journey. One courageous young lady finally asked if we were all together from something, and I told her about all the wonders and magic of Comic Con, which she'd never heard of despite living in San Diego. She was nice enough, but you could tell she wasn't much impressed by the notion of an entire convention about comic books. Either that, or she knew all about my eighth-grade school photo and just didn't want to talk to me. (We did it! That's three more times! Ah, that's good stuff.)

But, if nothing else, I guess the one thing I took away from my first night at Comic Con is that it isn't just a convention about comic books. Sure, they're a big part of what's going on, but really, the Con is about celebrating all the things that make a nerd's world go 'round, no matter what that might be.

I can't wait for day two.

Unplugged

2010-04-24T17:33:00.000-07:00

(from July 18, 2009)

I had to live almost an entire week without the services of my computer. I don't know what happened, but sometime on Sunday afternoon, the thing quit on me and wouldn't boot back up. There was a flash of a blue screen, then something about Safe Mode, and a whole lot of begging for the next push of the power button to finally have solved the problem.

It did not. The problem was only solved by a pile of money, specifically $113, paid to an apparently very talented computer repair man by the name of Don. I wasn't so sure about him at first, since he lives in Valley Center and is of an age that means he probably got to stay home from high school when Kennedy was shot. But Don worked his magic over the course of Thursday, and his efforts were much appreciated.

I had a bit of a nervous fit when I got it home, however, because it wouldn't immediately just connect to the internet like it did when I first got it. I went through the checklist of what the problem could be, and after about an hour of messing with it, tried an option called "bridge connection" between my LAN connection and another non-internet option...whatever it was, it worked, and I am once again plugged into the world wide web.

Being gone for that long was weird for me, as someone who not only recreates with a good web surf, but also spends much of his work-related time using the information superhighway. I literally had to push a few work projects back until next week because of my lack of connectivity, although with the recovery I'm going to see if I can get one of them done over the weekend.

The point is, I realized just how dependent I am on the internet. Looking back at this week, I can't tell you how many times I literally got up from where I was sitting and started walking over to the computer chair, purely out of habit, before I remembered that old internet machine was out of commission. I would estimate that a good 80% of my life centers around what's happening online, from work to Facebook to blogging to all the things I read to stay caught up on things (for both work and recreation). And I wouldn't classify myself as someone who is always "plugged in" (although I do have a Blackberry now, so I feel like I'm never completely disengaged), so I can't help but wonder how some of the truly nerdy folks out there spend their days and/or nights.

I've often commented about how connected we all are these days; it's really good in some ways (like staying in touch with friends and family around the world) and can be kind of overkill in other ways (like how easy it is to look things up on your smartphone instead of using your brain for a few minutes to try and remember the answer), but either way, it's a fact of life. Whether you love it or hate it, the internet has us all in its web...if you'll pardon the obvious pun.

But much like the fake world of The Matrix, most of us prefer this pseudo-slavery to the alternative. It's not like the outdoors are awful, but I admit that I'm an indoor kid -- when you're online, you don't have to worry about sunburn, or bugs, or getting all sweaty (well, depends on how much surfing you do), or the pesky restraints of reality. In my little Farm Town world on Facebook, I can plow, plant seeds, grow crops, talk to other "farmers," play with my little doggy, and work for "coins" while I'm munching on peanut butter M&Ms. I can talk to my friends without the inconvenience of putting on pants and driving somewhere. I can play a card game with people from Croatia, France, Italy, Peru, and a host of other places across the globe (and use Google Translate to carry on basic conversations with them all in their native languages).

It gets me thinking about the idea of how big an individual person's world is and has been through history. For hundreds of years, the average person could expect to live the entirety of his or her life within a radius of less than 100 miles, if even that. Unless you had exorbitant amounts of money, you simply couldn't go very far away from where you lived. Your personal world would have existed only within a certain radius of your home.

But the world, as they say, is getting smaller, and it's not uncommon to hear stories of people traveling all across the world before they finish college. This has shown up in my own life -- I now live more than 3,000 miles away from where I was born and raised, and I'm only 28 years old. For the better part of a year, my brother, with whom I shared a room for around 18 years, lived almost exactly on the other side of the globe from me, and has plans to return there in January. And yet, my mom got to go to his wedding, which took place in Kenya, even though she is very much not Kenyan. My other brother and his growing family are in North Carolina, and despite the distance, I get to see photos of my nephew's third birthday, and send him a video tour of where I live. I get to physically travel to see my family at Christmas, and it doesn't cost me an arm and a leg. Well, not the whole leg, anyway.

I guess what I'm getting at is that progress is happening so quickly these days that to take a step back from it all really makes your head spin. I was without internet for five days, and I felt incredibly out of the loop until I logged back on today. It's not like that for everybody, I realize, but the way the world is heading, it might be that way for everybody sooner than we think. I guess it's comparable to the beginning of the 20th century, when all these inventions -- the automobile, the telephone, the...um...cotton gin? -- were starting to show up.

Like it was with computers, only the rich could afford these things at first; they were strictly luxury items. But there aren't many people in the world without a telephone these days, and automobiles are everywhere. Luxury items (which some surely thought of as frivolous and unnecessary) became necessity, and it's hard to imagine a world without them. The internet is that way now, and if we learned anything from the trends of these important new inventions, I imagine that online access will quickly become an expectation instead of just a welcome luxury.

At least, that's the plan...but first, someone needs to invent a truly crash-proof computer. When that happens (and no, Apple geeks, it still hasn't happened) it will truly be revolutionary.

I Love You, Awkward Silences

2010-04-24T17:26:00.000-07:00

(from July 11, 2009)

Laughing out loud is not something I do with tremendous regularity.

Not that I'm not a happy person or anything, it's just that it takes something genuinely, unexpectedly, refreshingly funny to get me to break my otherwise Victorian stoicism and let loose with an audible chuckle or two. If it's predictable, or run-of-the-mill, or in the category of "I'm pretty sure they hired a chimp to write that," then I probably won't find it humorous in the least. But keep trying, Comedy Central...I'm sure you'll find a new idea for a show that's worth watching some day. Thank goodness for Stephen Colbert and Futurama reruns in the meantime.

But after smirking my way through a series of underwhelming comedies in recent memory, I was refreshed and delighted by I Love You, Beth Cooper. For a movie that centers around a high school graduation, this movie surprised me. Usually, you expect to see a lot of toilet humor (translation: easier than clever humor, and therefore not nearly as funny) and just as much sexuality of a gratuitous nature throughout the film.

Not so with this movie. Well, not entirely -- there is a subplot about the best friend and his assumed homosexuality, and there is a shower scene -- but in comparison to most teen comedies, these are handled relatively well on the shadiness meter and really don't distract from the overall feel of the movie.

And the overall feel is the key -- somehow, director Chris Columbus (I love that his company is 1492 Pictures -- he pretty much had that one mapped out for him at birth) finds a way to give the characters a depth that is usually lacking in these kinds of movies. Amidst the hilarity and the absurdity of what's happening to these people, there exists a reality that isn't just mushy or contrived. You find yourself laughing with the characters, not at them.

At least I did. Movies like this are always personally fun for me because...well, without going into too many details, I wasn't the most popular in high school. I'm sure there are many of us out there in the world, living normal adult lives now, but looking back at our prep days and just shaking our heads.

What's great about this movie isn't that the dorky kid gets the hot cheerleader (please, like you didn't know what was going to happen), or that the hot cheerleader finds some deeper truth to life besides being popular (again...nothing spoiled there).

The great thing is that you know what it's like to be there -- to be hopelessly awkward when the girl of your dreams finally talks to you, or to be swept up in the craziness of the moment and end up driving your ex-boyfriend's Hummer into the living room of the skank he was cheating on you with, or to be forced to pretend like you're calm and collected while you're so freaked out that you're wondering if it's possible to throw up your spleen.

I Love You, Beth Cooper is full of those awkward pauses, those moments between the moments, those silent hiccups in the flow of normalcy that can take your breath away. And it sticks with you on your way out of the theater because it's so unswervingly authentic. In a word, I think I might call this movie precious -- partly in a sarcastic way that refers to the inherent cuteness of these little high school kids having all this drama and craziness, but also partly in a way that means that it's something personal, something unique that each of us experiences by way of recalling our own youthful exploits.

And just to clarify, I'm not saying that this movie is going to rewrite Shakespeare, or that it's going to win major awards. But for what it is, it's really well done and genuinely funny to boot.

Some personal notes that you may or may not find helpful:

-- The main character (Dennis) totally reminded me of my brother Nate. He looks a little (just a little) like him, and I think the striped rugby shirt added to the overall picture, but even his mannerisms were enough like my bro that it was that much funnier for me.

-- Hayden Panettiere does a great job, and not just because she's absolutely adorable. She plays Beth Cooper in a way that is alternately confident and self-conscious, which totally rings true of what I see in high school kids, especially the popular ones. Given that she's only a few years removed from high school herself probably helped. But her performance just draws you to the character and adds more and more layers of authenticity to the film. Great work.

-- The blond friend of Beth's, Treece I guess her name is (had to IMDB that one), totally reminded me of this girl I just met recently. My friend Kaitlynn totally agreed. We're not exactly sure we should tell this girl though. I'll let you know how that turns out.

-- Another great performance by Dennis Cooverman's father, played by Alan Ruck (aka Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, among many other films) as well. He added another layer of humor and novelty that most actors in that role would not have acheived. And he's just a fun actor to see anyway. We were a little disappointed that he didn't have a 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California in his garage.

-- I will go see this movie again. If you want to come with me, let me know. It will be fun.

So, long story short, go see I Love You, Beth Cooper. It's funny, it's clever, it's deep but not too deep, and if your heart isn't at least a little warmed by the end, then you just shouldn't watch movies at all.

The She Wolf...? Um...No, That's A Perfectly Reasonable Album Title-Slash-Persona...You Should Totally Run With That...

2010-04-24T17:25:00.001-07:00

(from July 9, 2009)

It's not a real big secret that I'm a pretty big fan of Shakira.

But despite some dissenting opinions, most of my fanship has to do with the fact that she's a very good songwriter. It certainly doesn't hurt that she looks like that...hang on a second...staring at the photo...can't...look...away...........

There we go. I'm OK now. Point is, she can speak six or seven different languages, she writes songs in both Spanish and English, and she does actual humanitarian work in places where it's going to really help, like in Colombia, the country with the second-highest percentage of displaced children in the world. I mean, she's still a celebrity and you never want to put celebrities up on too high a pedestal...but for being essentially a pop singer, she's got more than her typical contemporaries.

But a preliminary look/listen at/to Shakira's recently released new track, "She Wolf," has me raising an eyebrow. I like the sound; it's kind of techno-ish, a little new wave, and similar to some of the tracks towards the end of her last album. And most of the lyrics look pretty well written; I especially like the phrase "la vida me ha dado un hambre voráz y tu apenas me das caramelos," which I understand to mean "life has given me a ravenous hunger, but all you're giving me is candy." Provacative.

There's just a little weirdness about the whole "she wolf" thing...she actually howls during the chorus, which...yeah, I'm not so sure about that. They actually took down the portion of the track that they had on the website; not sure what that's about. Maybe they weren't getting such great feedback.

But you wonder if sometimes a celebrity gets to a certain level of fame where the people around him or her just have to say "no, that's a great idea...you should totally do that!" no matter what crap they shovel out? Isn't that how we got Star Wars episodes I, II and III? Or Sasha Fierce? Or Brett Favre the Jet/potential Viking? When you're that famous, do you even have a BS filter anymore? Or are people so desperate to hang on the coattails of the celebritocracy (thank you Stephen Colbert) that they won't risk offending the A-listers of the world? I have to think that this is at least partially true; that's why we get quality and/or popular work from an up-and-coming star, but usually see dramatic fall-off through the progression from fresh face to full-fledged celebrity. Other than U2, it's hard to think of an example of a band/actor/performer actually getting better as they've gone along.

Either way, I'm still looking forward to the new disc, which is supposed to be coming this fall/winter, with another Spanish-language album due in 2010.

I'll be sure to share my complete thoughts at that point...

The Secret Lives Of Professional Athletes

2010-04-24T17:24:00.001-07:00

(from July 6, 2009)

You never expect to hear news like what we heard on Saturday about Steve McNair.

A 36-year-old retired professional athlete found dead of multiple gunshot wounds in his home. A pro bowl quarterback who eluded so many defenders, cut down in what is still very much the prime of his life. So tragic.

But as more and more details come to light, we're starting to see the dark side of professional sports, and even more so, the dark side of life.

McNair was found dead in an apartment in downtown Nashville next to the body of a 20-year-old woman who had been described initially as a "friend." McNair's wife Mechelle and their four sons were at the family home in Mississippi when the bodies were discovered. More and more reports are coming out now that call Saleh Kazemi, the woman found next to McNair, his girlfriend. Given that McNair was shot four times, and that Kazemi had only one gunshot wound to the head (and was found with a pistol underneath her), it seems pretty obvious what happened. None of these details make the situation any less tragic, but one of the side effects is that we're having to take an honest look at the lives of our superstar athletes.

Pro athletes are human. They eat, they sleep, they go to the bathroom, they watch Sportscenter in the morning, they wonder why Twilight is such a big deal...just like the rest of us. But unlike most of us, pro athletes get paid gobs of money for doing what they do, and unfortunately, an excess of money often allows for behavior that is also quite excessive. Most of it is fairly harmless -- despite what the tree-huggers want to tell us, it's not such a bad thing to have a garage full of Hummers and Range Rovers. Whatever our interests are, if we had the money to pursue them to an excessive degree, there aren't a whole lot of us who wouldn't.

And that carries over into the one area where we all -- without exception -- struggle: sex.

It's everywhere. From Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers to Viagra ads on race cars, we can't get away from it, no matter what our age or position in life. We live in a culture inundated with sex.

And you know what? Not very many of us seem to mind it that much.

I know there are groups out there trying to "protect" the children, or to "clean up" our various forms of entertainment. But if we're honest with ourselves, we're only worried about things like that because we know how exciting and captivating sex is and can be. Underneath all of that posturing and political correctness, I think the reality is that we're inundated with sex in our culture because it's what's on our minds the most.

And in some ways, we need it to be. For one thing, in the proper context, sex is a wonderful gift that is very necessary for a healthy marriage. And it is the biological means of progressing our species. Then, of course, it is also rumored to be something of a thrilling experience, if we're to believe all those rock and roll songs.

But the negative side is that too much focus on something so powerful can lead to its use in the wrong context. In the specific case of pro athletes, with their excess in money and the inherent attractiveness of being young, successful and in great shape, it's probably really, really easy for them to get sex whenever they want it. Honestly, it seems easy enough for them to get it even if they don't particularly want it.

I remember going to the New York Mets play at PNC Park in Pittsburgh a few years ago. We had a good group of guys, one of whom brought his young son, so we made sure to go down early enough to see batting practice. Because we were among the few early-arrivers, we were able to go down right by the field to watch the players up close. Most of the fans there were crowded around the dugout areas to maybe get an autograph or a baseball...or something. Among the gathered spectators were some women, who looked curiously out of place amidst the mostly male fans wearing some sort of team gear. These ladies were young...kind of?...and wearing what I would classify as "clubbing" attire. Their attention perked up as the players started heading for the dugout en route to the clubhouse before the game started. And for some reason, of all the players they picked out, they locked in on -- I'm pretty sure it was this guy -- Shane Spencer, a career backup outfielder. They weren't very subtle in handing him what appeared to be a cocktail napkin with their hotel information, and they didn't hang around to see any further reaction.

All of that to say, if Shane Spencer gets a chick's digits in Pittsburgh, imagine what a guy like Steve McNair would have run into wherever he went. McNair was a genuinely nice guy, and reports say that he met Kazemi at a Dave & Buster's restaurant where she worked. I'm sure that before all this, McNair had been propositioned in every way imaginable in every place he'd traveled. Rock stars have groupies, and a lot of them are gross, hairy old dudes who look more at home in a biker bar than on a stage. So it's not hard to imagine that pro athletes, who generally maintain a higher level of fitness and hygiene, would have just as much female attention.

Despite this, there are many athletes who maintain their integrity in their marriages, and the more we look at this subject, the more respect I have for them. And just because McNair stumbled in this one area where so many are prone to weakness doesn't make him a bad person or unworthy of our admiration on the football field.

It is a shame that this is the world we live in. And for every soccer mom who complains about professional athletes not being good role models, I'm sure this is just another bullet in the clip of another attack on the integrity of sports.

But the truth of the matter is that athletes shouldn't be role models. They are because a lot of kids don't have anyone better to look up to, but that's not the fault of the athlete. If parents can't effectively explain the difference between admiration and idolization, then they deserve to have children who do stupid things like take steroids.

Hopefully though, we won't lose sight of the tragic fact that even those athletes who best fit into this persona of role model are going to fall prey to the human condition of imperfection.

So we mourn the passing of an outstanding athlete, a wonderful humanitarian, and an imperfect human being. May we appreciate what he did on the field and learn from the mistakes we now know he made off of it.

NASCAR Celebrates The 4th By Blowing Up Kyle Busch

2010-04-24T17:23:00.000-07:00

(from July 4, 2009)

Anytime Kyle Busch gets wrecked, it's worth seeing, especially when it's on the final lap and he gets booted from the lead by virtue of his own actions. Tony Stewart makes a great crossover move and Busch tries to block him one too many times. It's very much like Carl Edwards' crash at Talladega earlier this season.

Either way, Stewart didn't do anything wrong, and as a bonus, we all got to see Kyle Busch become human fireworks to celebrate the holiday.

I had a few other thoughts while watching NASCAR this Independence Day:

1. The NASCAR on TNT broadcast of the Coke Zero 400 was new, innovative, and could be a sign of things to come. They called it "wide open" coverage, and the key was that they rarely cut to commercial breaks, and when they did, it was only for three or four ads. Instead of cutting away, they kept the race video going as it had been and played a single advertisement in the lower right corner of the screen. They did this a handful of times throughout the race, and it seemed pretty effective.

Honestly, I feel like more and more of this kind of thing is going to happen on television. In an era of the DVR's ever-growing presence, it's getting very easy to avoid commericals. I find myself either recording a show or pausing the TV while I'm off cooking or something so that I can come back and be able to skip the breaks. Given the heavy saturation levels of advertising, I still see my fair share of ads -- but if we know anything about Madison Avenue, we know that they're always looking for ways to monopolize our attention.

Basically, I see it playing out the way those annoying little promos at the bottom of the screen during every show on TV now. At first, they were pretty innocuous -- just a line of text with the show's name and scheduled time. Now, they've turned into this:

I see regular ads taking a similar form in the near future -- instead of shows cutting away for extended commercial breaks that can easily be skipped by the DVR users of the world, they'll probably start showing one or two commercials at a time, or just running ads across the bottom during parts of the show/movie that are known to be less interesting. It will all be very annoying, as all advertising is, but since we're all consumers and people who work for advertising companies have no souls, it will all result in us lining up to dump our money into their pockets.

2. If you're not a NASCAR fan -- well, I can't imagine why not, but I'll continue -- you may have to bear with me for a second.

I just have to point out that Kyle Petty has been a pleasant surprise in the TNT race coverage booth this season. Usually, when they switch over from the Fox Sports team of Mike Joy, Larry McReynolds and Darrell Waltrip, I get just a little sad because I know the NBC/TNT crew just isn't quite as sharp. Especially since the loss of Benny Parsons, who was a fount of racing information and wonderful little squeals of delight at every tight pass or near miss on the track.

When TNT took over the coverage this season, Kyle Petty was not fun to listen to. At Pocono, I remember just wishing he would stop talking, or that Wally Dallenbach would just punch him in the face and get it over with. But since then, apparently Kyle's been watching old clips of D.W. or B.P., because he's contributing valuable information, getting a few of those polite laughs from his broadcast partners every so often, and pretty much carrying the team in the booth. I suspect that the removal of Bill Weber (who has the personality of a defrosted corpse) from the team probably helped quite a bit. Whatever it was, the trio of Ralph Sheheen, Dallenbach and Petty seems to be running on all cylinders right now.

3. Of course, all this talk about NASCAR wrecks gets me thinking about some of the craziest crashes I've seen...be sure to search for the videos of the following wrecks:

Elliott Sadler at Talladega:

Ryan Newman at Daytona:

Steve Park at Pocono:

Michael McDowell in practice at Texas:

Geoff Bodine in the truck series at Daytona:

And of course, Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s fatal wreck in the 2001 Daytona 500:

I tell you what, I don't care what you think about NASCAR drivers and whether or not they're athletes -- no other athlete has to worry about the constant possibility of a fiery death while they compete. Anyone who can manipulate a 3,400-pound hunk of metal and rubber with 850 horsepower and 550 foot-pounds of torque around a track that is not conducive to turning...well...they deserve a lot more respect than they get from the "traditional" sports fans of the world.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your 4th of July, wherever you celebrated it, and I hope that you enjoyed the fireworks, either on the track or in the sky...

Original Gangsters

2010-04-24T17:21:00.001-07:00

(from July 1, 2009)

Sneaking beer into a midnight premiere of a movie: a little crazy.

Sneaking beer bottles into a midnight premiere of a movie: definitely crazy.

Sneaking beer bottles into the midnight premiere of Public Enemies: straight gangster.

And apparently the quartet of little 16-year-olds sitting down the aisle from me are more hardcore than I am, because the four of them somehow managed to sneak in more than six bottles, which they downed before the previews were done and spent the remaining time kicking over the empties and squeezing past me to get to the bathroom. Between the booze to my left and the four homeboys to my right who apparently bathed in Axe body spray before they left the house, I couldn't even taste my popcorn by the end of the movie.

But there was a movie going on, despite the repeated bathroom breaks the drunkies to my left needed to take. And it was a pretty good movie...but not quite as good as it could have been.

The movie Public Enemies tells the story of 1930s bank robber John Dillinger. This guy was more notorious than Al Capone, but somehow came out on the other side drawing comparisons to Robin Hood. He was a suave, good-looking (relatively; a quick Google image search shows you what suave and good-looking meant in 1933), charming man who did what we all wish we could do when The Man gets us down -- he did whatever he wanted.

The real-life story of Dillinger is fantastic and compelling; the man broke his associates out of prison in Indiana, stole more than $300,000 (which is over $4 million by today's standards) in less than a year of bank robbing, attacked two state police arsenals to stock up on weapons and ammo, traveled to Florida, Texas and Arizona to stay hidden from the authorities, was arrested after a fire broke out in his hotel and he was found with stolen money and guns, escaped custody in Arizona by stealing the sheriff's car, and became the number one most wanted criminal on the FBIs list.

Public Enemies does a good job of telling the story, but I kept waiting for the movie to choose the genre path it would take. When a movie comes out about a subject like this, it usually goes in one of two directions: it can either be an action movie with lots of gunfights, snappy one-liners and a larger-than-life feel (like Goodfellas or Pulp Fiction), or it can be a dramatic movie that focuses on the details of the story, the development of the character's thoughts, emotions and relationships, and seeks to connect the audience to the main character in some way (Road To Perdition, Scarface, etc).

This movie kind of half did both things. There was good action, but it wasn't sustained enough. They showed a few of the bank robberies, including a scene with Dillinger's trademark vault over the bank teller's counter, but then another quiet, dramatic scene came in on its heels. I was waiting for one of those action-movie montages, where they would show one robbery after another with the captions of the date and place underneath and a loud soundtrack that gets you pumped up about what's happening on screen. None of these things happened, and even the music was mostly disappointing, other than one main theme featuring a distorted guitar and a banjo that they should have played a lot more. They didn't even show Dillinger's most famous robbery, in which he and his gang pretended to be filming a bank robbery scene for a movie, which drew applause from the customers and bank employees. There are some good one-liners, including my favorite from Dillinger: "Good thing he was pretty, because he sure ain't called Whiz Kid Floyd."

But on the the other side, I felt like they didn't spend enough time developing Dillinger's relationship with Billie Frechette (played by Marion Cotillard, who gets strangely more and more attractive as the movie goes on). They meet, Dillinger pursues as only Dillinger can, and they end up together. I suppose it was one of those whirlwind encounters that happen every now and then in life, but by the end, the two are so powerfully and resolutely devoted to each other that it left me wondering how they got to that point. The same happens with Dillinger's best friend and number two man, John "Red" Hamilton. To emphasize what I mean, I had to look up that character's name on IMDB.com to figure out who he was. He was Dillinger's right-hand man, and there's a scene where the two of them share what appears to be a deep connection, but the movie doesn't really develop this or show how it came to be.

Overall, I enjoyed the movie, because I enjoy almost every movie I see. It's a good story with some good action and some good genuine moments. But it turned out to be a tad disappointing because of how good it could have been.

As we were walking out, I could tell that the gangsta-wannabe kids were disappointed. They wanted to see Johnny Depp busting caps and rolling with shorties in his pimped-out gangsta ride...but instead they just saw a bunch of white guys in gray wool suits driving old Fords through the midwest. Not that we're stereotyping or anything. It's OK, they were Mexican. We're allowed to make fun of them, right?

Celebrities Dropping Like Flies

2010-04-24T17:20:00.001-07:00

(from June 28, 2009)

I guess it's getting dangerous to be famous these days.

Just in the last week we've lost four celebs now, with the news that Billy Mays has shouted his last Oxy Clean commercial at us. First Ed McMahon, then Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson on the same day...if I'm a 50-year-old minor celebrity, I'd be pretty worried right now. We should probably get some medical personnel to check in on Linda Kozlowski, Jools Holland, Ellen Degeneres, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Sharon Stone, Gary Oldman, Michelle Pfieffer, Annette Bening, Mark Cuban, Madeline Stowe, Colm Feore, Jeff Foxworthy, Jennifer Tilly, Tim Robbins, Viggo Mortensen, Megan Mullally, Marg Helgenberger, Jamie Lee Curtis, or anyone else born in 1958 (a list of whom can be seen on this page right here and contains a veritable who's who of the 1980's).

Seriously though, it is a shame anytime we hear about someone dying when they're only 50 years old. It should remind us all of the brevity of life and perhaps cause some degree of reflection, and at the very least help us appreciate what we do have.

And if nothing else, go do a load of laundry today in honor of Billy Mays...and power those stains away!

Clean Your Plate

2010-04-24T17:18:00.000-07:00

(from June 27, 2009)

I just had some random things to write tonight, so...here we go.

1. Settlers Of Catan is easily my favorite board game ever. It's a great strategy game and each game takes long enough to get you involved, but it doesn't take three days. But my favorite aspect is that it's very much confrontational, hopefully in a good-spirited way. It's kind of like a cross between Risk and Monopoly, with the added mental/psychological twist of being able to trade resources and generally getting inside the heads of your opponents by jamming them in their attempts to build. If you're playing this game and you don't have people glaring at you by the time you get to five or six points, then you're probably not playing it right.

2. I don't remember where I saw this last -- actually, yes I do, but I don't want to admit that it was in a Hardy Boys book I was reading last night, and therefore feel the need to explain why I read books intended for 7-14 year olds -- but I find it interesting how food can often be used as a gift.

In the book, the Hardy brothers run the risk of seriously offending their mother by leaving to investigate a potential lead just when she had finished preparing dinner. She is quickly mollified when the boys come to their senses and stay for dinner before rushing off to tackle the next angle of their current mystery. I've seen this firsthand in not only our own culture, but especially in other cultures. My time living in Mexico included many a dinner offered to us on staff as a way of showing how much we were welcomed and appreciated there.

I always felt a little bad because I really don't like food as much as most people do. I mean, good food is good food, and when I'm hungry, pretty much anything is good food. But, contrary to the old proverb about the way to a man's heart, feeding me isn't necesarily the primary way to achieve my overall happiness.

And again, I feel bad about this because food is such a common gift, as it should be. It's a great way to spend time with other people, celebrate a momentous occasion, or to get people together who may not ordinarily have a reason to get together. Plus, food is typically cheaper than an actual gift, and it can be easily prepared in large quantities so as to involve as many people as possible.

But when food isn't in the top three things that make you happy, it's hard to get excited about another dinner invitation. I suppose this is part of the reason why places like bars and coffee shops exist; they allow for the consumption of something to go along with our interpersonal interactions. And both places offer some kind of mind-altering beverages, which, as I've heard so eloquently said about alcohol, can act as a "social lubricant" that help us shed some of our pesky inhibitions.

And I guess that's what it's all about: doing something that helps us take the focus off of the fact that we're all pretty bad at interacting with other human beings. If we all just gathered in a room and tried to have a party, things would be boring and awkward pretty fast. Throw in a bowl of chips and some salsa, and suddenly you're a karaoke machine away from a swinging shindig.

3. Speaking of board games, Milton Bradley (the baseball player, not the board game company -- had you going there for a second!) added another episode to his semi-annual segment on Sportscenter that profiles his meltdowns on the field. Apparently all he did this time was get ejected for vehemently arguing balls and strikes. But I especially appreciated that the folks at ESPN seemed to already have the edited video clips of his previous outburst ready to go at a moment's notice. It reminds me of the old SNL sketch featuring Dana Carvey as Tom Brokaw reading a series of news openers dealing with the death of Gerald Ford (as seen below).

Find more videos like this on www.truveo.com.

I bet the Sportscenter anchors have a few stories they do this with:

"Brett Favre came out of retirement today and signed on to play midfielder for Eintracht Braunschweig in the German Futball Bundesliga."

"Tiger Woods won the Buick Invitational today by sinking a putt from the parking lot with a snow shovel on the 18th hole."

"San Diego Padres second baseman David Eckstein shocked fans today by openly admitting that he has used performance-enhancing drugs. Eckstein admitted that, although he never used steroids, he has been known to snort pixy stix in the dugout between innings to meet keep his blood sugar levels on par with those of a hummingbird."

"LeBron James has been traded to the New York Knicks for Nate Robinson, the Statue of Liberty, the female half of the cast of Friends and a sympathy card signed by every New Yorker apologizing for destroying the one and final hope that the city of Cleveland has for winning a major sports championship."

...and so on.

4. If you didn't watch the U.S. men's soccer team beat Spain in the semifinals of the FIFA Confederations Cup this week, you should definitely tune in on Sunday to see the final against Brazil. The Americans played really well against the top-ranked team in the world, scoring twice and shutting out the vastly superior talent on the Spanish side. The U.S. has a tough task against Brazil, which beat South Africa 1-0 in the other semifinal to make it to the title game, but if the Americans can hold down the back line like they did against the surging Spaniards, then they have a shot. Even if you don't like soccer, it's huge because this is the first time the U.S. has advanced to the final of a FIFA international competition...and if everybody else in the world thinks soccer is important, we should at least support our boys in their efforts to make us better than everyone else at one more thing.

Run, Megan, Run!

2010-04-24T17:16:00.000-07:00

(from June 24, 2009)

Even when you're only 12 feet away from a gigantic screen, Megan Fox is still really, really cute.

I was reminded last night that I very much dislike seeing a movie on opening night, especially when that movie is the most highly-anticipated nerd movie of the summer...or in the top three at least.

I figured that showing up 30 minutes early for the midnight showing would be plenty of time to at least have a reasonable seat. Apparently nerds have an affinity for waiting in ridiculous lines and saving seats for more than two hours, because getting there half an hour early still left me and my friend Lindsay relegated to the very front row of the sweaty, acne-riddled theater.

Even from such an inconvenient viewing angle, the movie was exactly what it was supposed to be: entertaining. I knew from the first one that the plot wasn't going to be anything special, and that the acting would be reasonable. And in these expectations I was not disappointed. But the special effects, the action sequences, and the amount of running that Sam and Mikaela had to do made for an exciting 150 minutes that I will no doubt revisit in the near future.

I hear that some viewers were down on the movie for having a weird plot, bad acting and...well, just too much stuff going on. But that's what happens with every sequel, especially if the first movie was really good. The Matrix trilogy is the best example; the first movie was so mind-bottling (it was so great, it was like my mind was trapped, like in a bottle) and excellent that they had nowhere to go but down. And down they went, with successive movies that overloaded us with weird terminology, way-too-out-there characters and a plot that seemed to be pulling crap out of thin air whenever it needed to explain something.

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen did a little bit of this. Without ruining anything, there's a few instances where the writers seemed to be making stuff up as they went. It all kind of made sense, but it's almost as if the studio allotted the writers about 10% of the pre- and post-filming schedule and gave the other 90% to the post-production CGI team.

But even so, it's not like there were plot holes or things that were left unexplained. Well, not anything that normal people would notice, although I'm sure the nerd crowd will find a whole bunch of minuscule details to whine about on the internet. Which will clearly and finally solve the problem in the best possible way, as it always does.

My point is, this is a fun movie, and when treated as such, it's a very entertaining way to spend an evening. There are even a few truly genuine moments, including the psychologically intriguing relationship between Optimus Prime and Sam, which has the elements of a father and son, brothers in arms, and the dynamic of coming from different worlds but still finding a connection. Sam and Mikaela are also an interesting take on modern dating relationships; she's working in a garage while he goes off to college, they set up a webcam date...and they're still dealing with going back to "normal" life after getting sucked into an intergalactic war between giant transforming robots. And then they get sucked back into that same war between those same giant transforming robots, and have to deal with a relationship in the midst of all of it.

Quick side note, best line of the movie:

Sam: "You said it first."

Go see it to find out what that's all about. It's totally worth it.

I guess that's what I'm getting at; this movie isn't going to take the place of Gone With The Wind or anything like that, but all the nerds in the theater last night gave it an enthusiastic round of applause as the credits rolled, and I left feeling like I would like to have a giant transforming robot with two glowing red swords for a friend. Either that or Megan Fox in those boots running around with me. Yowza.

And after all, isn't that what we all really want, deep down inside?

Even If You Don't Need It...

2010-04-24T17:15:00.000-07:00

(from June 24, 2009)

I just found out that Tom-Tom GPS offers a variety of celebrity voices to read you your directions as you drive...and that one of them is Burt Reynolds.

The Bandit can read driving directions to you.

The only way this would be more awesome is if they got Norm MacDonald to read the directions as Burt Reynolds from those old SNL Celebrity Jeopardy sketches.

If you were wondering what to get me for my birthday and/or Christmas...look no further.

We Always Suspected Jack Black Was A Caveman

2010-04-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

(from June 19, 2009)

...although, technically, in the movie, they lived in huts...

If I'm going to write movie reviews -- which I am -- then I should probably explain, briefly, what my movie tastes are.

For one thing, I tend to enjoy the movies I see, partly because I don't go see movies I don't think I'll like, and also because most movies today are at least enjoyable on some level. And if it's really bad, it's nice to have someone there so we can make fun of how awful it is.

With that said, I must also say that there aren't very many movies that make it into my "must see" list. Most movies fall into the "it was a good movie, but I probably won't see it again" category for me. Glad we've got that straight.

For my reviews, I'm going to break up my analysis into three parts (before, during, after) and an overall conclusion. I'll do my best not to spoil anything, but if you want to go in fresh, you don't have to keep reading.

And now, the movie "Year One," starring Jack Black and Michael Cera.

Thoughts Going In: The trailer had some funny lines, and I like Cera's delivery...he's the perfect combination of awkward and uncertain, but still saying exactly what he's thinking. I expected it to be a bit raunchy (it is a Jack Black movie) and for there to be some swing-and-miss jokes at which only the lowest-brow moviegoer would laugh. Given the hint about the tree of knowledge and all that, I also was curious to see how "offensive" it would get.

For the record, I really don't believe in getting "offended," especially not over something so trivial as a movie. This should apply to the people outside the theater when "Angels & Demons" opened up, as they held their protest signs and compared Dan Brown to the devil. It's a movie. If you don't agree with it, you don't have to go see it. And now back to the review.

Thoughts During: They didn't mess around setting up too much plot or anything, but jumped right into the funny stuff in the first scene. I was in a full theater, and people laughed...a lot. I laughed out loud at a couple of scenes; one in particular that was so ridiculous I nearly choked on my cherry slurpee. I didn't see anything overly raunchy; they did drop some choice words here and there, but most of it was innuendo, which is clearly the smarter way to go about comedy these days.

Black is funny in the most random ways, including a scene in which he starts humming along with the background music that we in the audience assumed only we could hear. Cera delivers some very quotable lines, and the supporting cast is funny enough to keep things going without overshadowing the main characters. And the outtakes during the credits...good stuff.

Thoughts After: Seeing a comedy is different than seeing an action movie because you leave with a different feeling. After seeing "300" in the theater, I left feeling like getting in a fight with the guy walking in front of me, just because I was so pumped up.

After comedies, my usual feeling is one of general amusement, but without any specific physical result. This movie did what it was supposed to; I left feeling like I just had a great time.

The plot wasn't intricate, but it wasn't supposed to be. The story made sense though, despite some intentionally-overlooked historical inaccuracies (such as, Cain and Abel clearly did not exist at the same time as Abraham and Isaac). The Biblical aspect of the movie was interesting; they definitely took some liberties with how they presented the characters, but in the end they were so satirical that they shouldn't be offensive...they were just so over the top that it would be impossible to take any of it seriously.

The comedy and the story work together very well to make a movie that makes sense but isn't going to get anybody lost. The camaraderie between Black and Cera is developed very well, and the absurdity of romance in that time is explored with amusing results. Again, the subtlety of the innuendo through most of the movie is excellent, and it makes the more overtly physical comedy that much more funny. There are some funny gross moments, but nothing that would make most of us feel uncomfortable for long.

Overall Thought: Go see it. It's funny in a clever way, and it's clean enough to see with a date...unless your date is really picky about those things. Basically, if you like Jack Black at all, you will love this movie.

There you go...the first of what I hope will be many, many successful, enlightening, well-received movie reviews. Transformers 2 comes out next weekend, so be sure to check back then to see what I think.

Dancing Grandmas Agree: Eve 6 Is Cool

2010-04-24T17:13:00.000-07:00

(from June 17, 2009)

Eve 6 put on a sweet show at the San Diego County Fair on Tuesday night, but honestly, two words sum up the performance best:

Dancing grandma.

Since their debut album in 1996, Eve 6 has always lingered around the periphery of popularity in the mainstream, perhaps coming closest with their graduation ceremony staple "Here's To The Night." But the distinct vocals and heart-gripping lyrics of lead singer/bassist Max Collins combine for a unique sound that still connects with a fan base that's growing once again.

After breaking up in 2003 to pursue other projects, the band has reunited -- minus former guitarist Jon Siebels, who has been replaced by Matt Bair, formerly of a NY-area group called "Bandcamp." Collins and drummer Tony Fagenson, who is, in my humble opinion, one of the best drummers in the business, had been working together in a band called "Sugi Tap" but have put that project on hold. As Eve 6 once again, the trio has another album in the works, but no release date has yet been determined.

The performance at the fair seemed to revive interest in the band, as casual passers-by slowly turned into dedicated spectators, and in more than a few cases, progressed into full-on fanhood. By the end of the show, even a diminutive Asian grandmother was cutting a rug with her laughing, yet slightly embarassed, daughter and grand-daughter looking on. I don't care who you are, dancing grandmas are cool. And therefore, Eve 6 is cool. Game. Over.

Personally, I've been a fan since I was in high school (which was at the time their debut album dropped, coincidentally), so I was beyond excited to see my favorite band perform after the disappointment of living in a world where Eve 6 was no longer together. And they did not disappoint again.

They started the show with some high-energy tunes, including "Rescue" and "Promise," which is another one of those songs that people heard and said "oh yeah, I remember that song...that was these guys? I love these guys!" or something comparable. We all knew that the inevitable "here's something new" song was coming, but I have to admit that I very much enjoyed the song "Little Tiny Everything," which is a song Sugi Tap performed but is going to be released on the new Eve 6 LP.

The tempo slowed down a bit in the middle, as the group delighted all the recently-graduated high school girls in the crowd with a perfect rendition of "Here's To The Night." But they picked it up again with "Open Road Song" and a medley that included "How Much Longer" and a cover of Tom Petty's "Runnin' Down A Dream" that sounded great. I had hoped that they would play a cover of "You Don't Know It Feels" after seeing a clip of it online, but between the medley and a later song that included some recognizable Petty riffs, I was more than satisfied.

Another new tune, called "Red & Black," was one of my favorites. It's another song that Sugi Tap put together, but the slow, driving pace and the distinct lyrical meter make it undeniably Eve 6. The band played more than a dozen songs, including "Think Twice," "On The Roof," "Jet Pack," "Superhero Girl," and "Leech," and concluded with a two-song encore that featured one more new song and ended with "At Least We're Dreaming."

Now, I'm a grown man. I pay taxes. I buy groceries. I vote.

But Eve 6 made me feel like I was in high school again, singing as loud as I could in front of complete strangers, jumping up and down just because a guy behind a microphone told me to, and cheering for people who have those little pockets of air in their shoes.

And that was just one more thing I now love about Eve 6: their quirky sense of humor. Before playing the song "Tongue Tied," Collins asked us to raise our hands if we were wearing shoes that have those air bubbles in them. He also commented that he would keep his hand down if he were wearing them, implying that those who do so should be somewhat embarassed to admit it. But he also said that the air-shoe wearers in the crowd were that much better off than their fellow human beings because they could jump up and down more easily during the ensuing song. Sadly, I did not have shoes with the little air pockets. But I still jumped. Oh, did I jump. And it was grand.

I also appreciated how Max would say, from time to time, "the name of the band is still Eve 6, and next up is..." and go on with the show. He struck me as being a very real guy, a bit nervous about being in front of people, but used to it after 13+ years of performing. Great showmanship is always entertaining, but vulnerability, sincerity and a touch of awkward humor helped the fans connect with the band on a deeper level. We already feel like we have common ground with them, since, as I'm sure it is with others as it is with me, their music has been with us through the milestones of life. But having seen them live, and shelling out $20 for a t-shirt like so many others, I feel like I know my favorite band just a little better now.

And anybody who can claim to have a little dancing grandma as a fan is cool in my book.

Movies About Grumpy Old Guys

2010-04-24T16:56:00.000-07:00

(from June 15, 2009)

I watched "Gran Tourino" and "Up" over the weekend, and I've consequently decided to be a grumpy old man (possibly racist) who eventually befriends a weird kid (possibly fat) and ends up sacrificing something for the sake of the friendship.

But first...to get old and grumpy...check and check.

It's a bit odd how similar the two movies are; if you've never seen them and don't want to have it ruined...well then you came to the wrong place.

Right off the bat, both old guys lose their wives within the first 10 minutes. They both are now dealing with life without a longtime companion, and they're both understandably grumpy about things.

Then they both meet an annoying neighbor kid...in GT he's obviously Asian, and Clint Eastwood has all kinds of fun racial slurs to employ (some of which he had to have made up), while in Up the chubby kid looks like he could kind of be Asian...? I'm not entirely sure I can talk about this since I'm really, really white. Moving on.

In both, it turns out that the annoying kid is somehow thrust into the old guy's life, and they find a way to coexist with minimal talking and a few humorous interactions that invariably leave the old guy frustrated and even grumpier.

There are more parallels, as the neighbor girl corresponds with the bird Kevin (I love that the fat kid named the bird Kevin, and it turns out to be a female), the Asian gang kids driving the ghetto Honda are similar to the army of dogs, and Clint Eastwood's WWII M-1 Garand rifle is used much in the same way as Carl Frederikson's metal walker.

My facebook friend Jack pointed out that Up is pretty much the non-racist version of Gran Tourino. I think he's right, and it's funny because Hollywood always seems to come up with ideas in pairs like this. We had Paul Blart: Mall Cop followed by Observe & Report. It goes all the way back to the late 80s, when Turner & Hooch came out after K9 (which launched the career of Jim Belushi into the stratosphere for good!). Then came Wyatt Earp against Tombstone (we all know who won that one), Dante's Peak vs. Volcano (James Bond vs. Tommy Lee Jones!), Armageddon vs. Deep Impact (thanks to Aerosmith, we all lost), A Bug's Life vs. Ants (which nobody cared about unless you were six at the time), Mission To Mars vs. Red Planet (Val Kilmer! Gary Sinise! Tom Sizemore! The Oscars were buzzing that year!), and The Prestige vs. The Illusionist (Wolverine does magic...or something...I only saw one of those two).

The point is...a good idea is still a good idea (or bad, depending) even if a bunch of people have it at the same relative time. And since Hollywood has always been, and will always be, the denizen of originality and substance of our culture, I'm sure we can expect more of the same.

Oh, and one could make further comparisons between Gran Tourino and Up...such as...the gang leader and the Alpha dog both have funny voices; both Asian kids (Russell and "Toad") are trying to earn something by helping the old guy; neither of the kids has a good home life, including the absence of a father, which explains why they gravitate towards the old guy; and both old guys have their prized possession (the car and the Adventure Book) that they end up sharing with the kid. I'm sure there are more.

But I found it interesting, and if you have seen/will see both, it's a fun little way to compare the two. Since I'm a grumpy old guy like Clint and Carl, I found both movies good, but they should have ended with the old guy finally getting some peace and quiet. Maybe if Carl had his old WWII rifle...

(Thanks to screenjunkies.com for the list of suspiciously similar movies...check it out at http://www.screenjunkies.com/movienews/11-pairs-suspiciously-similar-movies to see how many you remember...)

That Was Random

2010-04-24T16:53:00.000-07:00

I don't know exactly when I realized this, but it occurred to me recently that I've been slowly coming to this conclusion for a while now:

We live in the age of the random.

From the things we find funny to the countless demands on our attention and everything in between, the signs are everywhere. One of the staples of comedy these days is Family Guy, and one of the quirks of the show (if you've never seen it) is that each episode features various random breaks from the plot. It usually comes about when one of the characters says something like "...that's just like the time when..." followed by a clip of something random happening. Saturday Night Live has gone in this direction as well, with its Digital Shorts featuring a rap song about the Chronicles of Narnia, two guys having a serious talk in between big bites from a head of lettuce, or a series of people getting punched right before eating.

That's the fun side of random; we're seeing a lot of things that don't make any sense, but they're so ridiculous we can't help but laugh. The down side of this trend, however, is that it doesn't take a whole lot of intelligence to be random...just watch any new cartoon in the Adult Swim block of programs on Cartoon Network. Seriously, most of them look like they were made by a five-year-old. It's supposedly done that way on purpose, so that it's crappy on purpose to make fun of itself...but it just ends up looking crappy. But somehow, this stuff is getting the ratings, so more and more of it keeps coming out.

Part of the problem is that there are so many demands on our attention in the modern world. Cars come with built-in connections for iPods and Bluetooth headsets, TV has 200 channels, the internet bombards us with "information" at 100 megabytes per second. I have to admit...I've sent text messages while driving...and listening to music. We're a generation of multi-taskers, and it's gotten so ingrained in us that it's difficult to only do one thing at a time. Another confession: I listen to music when I read sometimes. Yeah. I know.

So what's the big deal? We're getting more done, right? So what if we're a little overstimulated...technolog

y has come this far, and we're just reaping the benefits.

I can agree with that, but I guess I'm just old enough to remember what everyday life was like before this randomness was so common. It wasn't anything drastically different; we still led busy, productive lives, and things got accomplished.

I guess what I miss is the focus on the details of life, and perhaps most importantly, the realization that time truly is the most precious resource we have.

Here's where it gets personal for me: I hate (HATE) it when people interrupt each other. I'm a quiet person by nature, and by default I tend to listen more than I speak. I think I learn a lot about people just by listening, and I've found that in the long run, it helps me better relate to them on some level. To me, it's incredibly devaluing to a person when you're more concerned with what you're going to say next than you are with what they're trying to communicate. Because from my experience, it's not what's being said that matters, it's just the fact that they're getting to share a little piece of themselves with somebody else. When the listener can't even wait until the speaker is finished before hogging the stage, I find that very self-centered. Not to mention the fact that the interruption is often to pursue some random tangent...that bothers me.

From the other side, as a naturally quiet person, I know that when I do speak, I usually have something I want to communicate other than the face value of the words I'm using. It may not be anything earth-shattering, but for me (and for most introverted people), there's usually more to the conversation than just the conversation, if that makes sense. So when I finally put my thoughts together and start to speak, only to be interrupted, whatever I was going to share goes back into the vault and may or may not ever come back out again. Sometimes that's just fine, other times that means that I'm not going to share something important. I'm positive that this is a universal reaction; if you consistently communicate to someone that your thoughts/opinions/random comments are more important than theirs, eventually they're not going to share anything important with you.

This all ties in with randomness because I think the problem isn't that people don't care about each other, but rather that most of us have been subconsciously trained to skip over the setup and get right to the point. Basically, we're so used to having everything "on demand" that we're becoming increasingly incapable of following a long-term process to achieve the desired results. Instead of following a subtle, intricate plot line in a show or movie, we'd rather see a bunch of loosely-connected clips of random jokes strung together for a half hour. Instead of building a foundation of equal communication through consistent restraint and humility, it's so much easier to just let our brains wander wherever and let our words follow suit. It's not that we're jerks, we're just lazy.

In order to work ourselves out of this habit, we need to find out specifically how other people communicate and how it's different from how we communicate. It's a lot like the various love languages; we all show and feel love in different ways, whether through quality time, giving gifts, or physical touch. Communication isn't much different, and everybody has their own little quirks. But the key is time; the more time you invest, the more you see what works and what doesn't. Specifically, the key is attention and focus...our minds and hearts are being pulled in so many directions that we're often only 50% or less invested in whatever we're doing at the moment. Investing time, and investing 100% of your attention, is neither easy nor common, but it really is the only way to avoid a lot of the potential communication problems we face.

Now obviously I can't say that I have perfectly practiced this, but I will say that it's something I've worked at and have tried to maintain. I really enjoy investing my time in the people around me, and it's blessed me tremendously in so many ways.

I suppose, at the end of the day, my frustration isn't with what happens to me, because it's really not that big of a deal. I see a lot of trends in society that aren't so great, and I see how they affect the people around me in both positive and negative ways. I just think it's important to look deeper into what's happening around us to better understand ourselves and what we're doing in this crazy, random world.

Because, if we're not careful, we might get punched in the face right before eating.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/1415/saturday-night-live-snl-digital-short-people-getting-punched-right-before-eating